Work is stressful. I don’t feel appreciated.I have spiraled that off to being colder, harsher, and blaming others. I don’t like this feeling, because when it happens I spiral right into depression. Work doesn’t get done at all. I lose friendships and opportunities. My enemy is me.
I sit at my desk as I type this, ready to work a weekend, and the next week, while everyone else gets off. I feel no one cares. My mind wanders about and looks for excuses on how I can get out. I know that I am responsible for my feelings, but my depression wants me to hold on to the worst of things.
I want things to crash and burn – even though I know it will ultimately make things worse. I want to quit with nothing else lined up. I feel like that will show them my worth. I know it won’t, I know life will go on, but its a gripe I want people to feel.
The most odd thing about this post is when I started to write it I was angry, and I feel the depression leaving me. It’s a wonder what this blog can do. My depression won’t leave me, it is a part of me, but I have to work with it.
I wonder what the method to this madness is, I want to figure things out. That is the interesting thing with depression, it dances with you. It takes different forms. When I call it out, and admit that it exists, it starts to work with me, it gives me the power to write,talk, and create with some depth. This post was 30 words and I started with “Freedom” as if this post was a resignation letter. As I write it, I realize this is a depression diary.
This is an interesting insight. I enjoy knowing it, playing with it, seeing it. Maybe it will lead me to better work. I want the best. Thanks for reading.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 