When I was younger, I would apologize a lot.
Like most, I assumed that more meant better, so if I said sorry long enough, I would address the issue. I got to wipe my hands clean and we get to move on.
When I started working for and working with people, I began to understand just how wrong this was. Just saying sorry is inadequate, and after a certain point, is just offensive. Sorry isn’t a magic word that lets you off the hook.
What makes people feel better is knowing that you both understand what bothered them and your assurance that it will change. A sorry doesn’t do that.
What does, however, is a task that takes more work than a sorry, and that’s a plan that goes with it.
Laying out what you think, along with adding detail is a way to show people you care. Not only because it takes time, but it forces you to think over the mistake.
Some questions to ask:
- What am I apologizing for?
- Why did it happen?
- How can we (include the other person, an offense is a two-way street) make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Once you have this down, think of a way to carry out this going forward.
This is much harder than just saying sorry because you see why the other person gets offended. We hate to think of ourselves as wrong, and this exercise puts us in that uncomfortable place. Even so, learning about the other person, and figuring out how we went wrong, help us grow just as much as the other person.
We don’t get to decide if people feel hurt. But, we do decide how we make them, and ourselves, feel better. We all make mistakes, but learning through them separates the people who grow and those who stay stagnant.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 