In writing this I almost opened up another window in order to procrastinate. I stopped short of it. I touched something that makes me want to wander. Tough questions tend to do that – lead you to a softer place. That isn’t something that is necessarily to be fought either – it exists because we want to be in a state of homeostasis at all times, and stress eliminates that.
I discussed my week with my therapist – and it allowed me to stumble upon a question worth asking.
At what point does positivity become lying and negativity become wallowing?
The genesis of the whole thing came from a discussion between my roommate and I about Eminem. In a song he talks about how he felt like quitting, even though he got a ton of money doing something he loved.
It made perfect sense to me – His depression was still there.
I have depression.
My depression really catastrophizes things- and nothing is there to stop it. Not money, comedy, music, anything. Those things tend to be panacea to the actual issue at hand. My depression is a lingering thought, a demon that exists whether or not things around me are great or terrible.
For that reason and that reason alone, it is apparent that it is something I have to work with.
Yes, work with.
It is no different than anything else within me that creates this blog, or writes code, or investigates startups, or even makes me people laugh. I wouldn’t fight against any of those things or even for them. They are what they are, and they exist within me as part of a sum.
My depression is a part of that.
How do I work with something that seems to be fighting me at every step? Well, understanding works.
Its something I want to try. I don’t quite know how I want to go about it, but I want some sort of understanding.
Day one of 16/8 went successfully. I am going to go with day 2 today. Lets see where I end up.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 