Tag: anger

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Trapped By The Old Opinions

 

I was talking to a friend about someone they knew, and how that person let a past transgression from 10 years ago effect their behavior to this day.

Life throws us trouble. It isn’t fair. But, when we take the ideas of the past and hold on to them unjustly, we end up troubled. The anger we have for someone else, or a situation doesn’t end up effecting them, it ends up effecting us. That hate gets turned in.

Our anger for others ends up only effecting us. That’s why I like to journal. The journaling gives me a chance to look at old opinions.Old opinions are great to look at.  They give you the chance to look back at the past, and notice the changes you’ve made.

We are constantly growing as people. The old carries some weight, but only the amount of weight that we allow it to. Acknowledging that you change is the first step to doing it, and a great way to do that is to periodically look back at those old opinions and see how you’ve developed over the course of a year.

I spent some time looking at old posts on this blog and some older journals. I had some shocking and surprising positions. It was interesting to go back down “memory lane” and remember some of my older feelings.

After reading a few, I thought about how change happens, and how we are always evolving. The person in those posts and notes is gone, lost to the history on those pages. The person here recalling them is a different person, with different goals and accomplishments.

We don’t wake up the same person we were when we went to sleep. We change everyday, and if we don’t acknowledge that, we stay trapped by the past. Acknowledge that we are constantly growing helps you leave pain where it belongs.

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Anger Treadmill and Getting to Better

[bctt tweet=”If I recorded people during tirades and rants and played them, we would hear the same sentence or point over and over”]

Anger is cyclical.

I never felt better by getting in a fight.

Sure, I felt good, but I never got better.

Ever slip and fall, and laugh with your friends when it happens?  An honest laugh, not a laugh to get along, but a deep belly laugh because you recognize the situation, and see the humor in it? To me that’s feeling better about a situation.

Better for me is growth and the ability to put the event behind me, never thought off in a negative light again.

Most encounters don’t feel that way. The ones where I’ve fought, when I think back on it, don’t make me laugh or think about what I’ve learned, those memories lead me back into anger, and it stays unresolved. I regret that anger and I don’t treat myself well as a result.

That understanding, going forward, has made my year better. Anger is a real emotion, however, it doesn’t need control. Even though it drapes everything we do, we are better than that.

Uncontrolled, it’s a treadmill – but anger doesn’t have to.  When finding yourself in angry situations, here is what I do to try to get back on track

  • Breathe – really…breathe. Anger makes us forget, take a second and engage with it. Pick any technique (I am using box breathing now) and go.
  • Sit and short circuit – The anger comes back. If I recorded people during tirades and rants and played them,  we would hear the same sentence or point over and over. Sit and watch it. It is your anger trying to take control. Write down the point on a notepad.
  • Schedule time to go back – Once it is all written, schedule time to take a look at it. Time will take the anger away, and coming back with a constructive response will leave the moment in a better place. Most people aren’t out to get you, try to treat them as ignorant, not evil.

These don’t work all the time, but more often than not, you will be better than you were before. And being better leads to better memories and self forgiveness.

I have my phone today – and the urge is back.

Urges suck, it is a start reminder of how addiction works, and how plugged in it makes you.

However, with my current knowledge, I know that I don’t want to deal with this anymore. 

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Why You Should Meditate Everyday

If there is one thing I am bad at, it is temper management. I often find myself in a bad mood and like most things in life, the mood tends to gain steam the more I think about it. I have gotten calmer over the last few weeks, and I’ve been asked why this happened. For me it was meditation. I think that meditation is a key competent to anger management, so I have decided to pursue it every day. Like most habits, it needs support with environment as well as consistency.

Meditation isn’t a mystical thing that is out of touch. It is a habit, and like all habits, it needs consistency. Whenever I try something, I notice I can’t stick to it if I don’t do it everyday. I find that it easy to let go. When aiming to do it everyday, you don’t need to make it complicated. As a matter of fact, I often do my best work when I keep it simple. I allow my brain to ratchet up the difficulty, because after a while, it will get bored. If you force yourself to do it everyday, the brain will have no choice but to improve, because there would be no way to quit.

To help that process along, you have to make sure you have the right environment. Put some thought into where you will meditate and then do it there consistently. I find a nice seat, in an air-conditioned room that is very sparse helps. In the kung fu movies, you see them meditating in a room that is uncomfortable. I would avoid that, because who wants to sit in a torture chamber when just starting out.  If you make it comfortable, then it becomes easier to do everyday, and you will begin to look forward to it.

Meditation is hard work and doing it everyday has done wonders for my mood.  Dealing with my anger felt like falling through a sink hole, and I didn’t like the aftermath.  After working with meditation on a daily basis, I have seen the benefits, and recommend them to anyone reading this post.

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I Knew 3 Types Of Silence – Then I Understood It

There is an art to purposeful and honest silence. For me, it remains as one of the most difficult acts to do, because it goes counter to everything we expect of silence. Most times in my life, when I was silent, it was a matter of turmoil. Either I was holding my tongue because I was afraid, I was angry, or I was looking for something. I had grand expectations on each silence.

For the times I was afraid, that silence meant that I could get away. Fearful silence is terrifying and draining. Generally, there is something over your head and someone of some authority is expecting an answer. When I am this silent, I often look at the clock and pray something intervenes. This one was the silence I faced most as a child, and as a result, is the first silence I retreat to when I see something that disturbs me.

For the times I was angry, that silence meant I ready for harmful action. Angry silence is terrifying and draining. Generally, there is something over your head and someone who you dislike is expecting an answer. When I am this silent, I often look at the clock and pray something intervenes. This one was the silence I faced most as a teenager, and as a result, I fear how awful and out-of-place this silence can leave me if I succumb.

For the times I was looking for something, that silence meant I was hoping to get over on someone. Conniving silence is terrifying and draining. Generally, there is something you want that the other person has, and you are expecting an answer. When I am this silent, I often look at the clock and pray that nothing intervenes. This is the silence I faced most as a college student, and as a result, I often feel guilty when it comes over me.

Those three silences are how I preconceived silence until I moved to meditation. I am noticing this silence is something completely different. Purposeful and honest silence can refill and sustain your energy. It becomes a well of inspiration for ideas. I never experienced this silence when I was younger because I never saw anyone engage in it. The closest example for me would be the christian prayer, which was too short and rarely seemed purposeful past those three different types I typed above.

It begins to make sense as I type this because we live in a world where we are constantly pinged. Our brains are over stimulated and over fed. We calm down, we breath, and we get present.

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Praising Failure

I was talking to Phil, my roommate, about Patrice O’Neal this morning.

For those who don’t know, Patrice O’Neal was a stand up comedian who passed away in 2011. He was, in my opinion, one of the best stand up comedians to ever do it, not just in his material, but his candor, his gregariousness, and the honor that he displayed on and off stage.

It is that honor, that truth, that I want to emulate whenever I do anything in life. A lot of people said he was an asshole, and if you read some accounts, it seemed he was, but a lot of that is surface. If you got past it, there was a thoughtful man who really cared about the people he was around.

Even with what he did, there was always truth associated with it. That’s why it stung people so much. For those who could take it, they would have died for him. For those who he hurt, they hated him.

Which brings me back to Phil, we were walking to the train, and discussing comedy, as Patrice was brought up. He was talking to a comedian that had been around a long time, and he asked the comedian who was the biggest jerk to ever work in the club, and to him it was Patrice.

Now this comic isn’t quite good. He hangs around The Comic Strip, he gets up, and he is a bit of an institution there, but when you watch him – you can see it is an olive branch extended by the club, they allow him to work for the loyalty.

Patrice more than likely told him that. It hurt. It festered. And he reminded him of his own failures. He apparently rejoiced in telling a story about Patrice bombing, running over the light, and getting banned.

It made him happy, but even when Phil told me that it was obvious that the comic in question was pained that Patrice was welcomed back even when he pulled a stunt that would have resulted in a lifetime ban.

Truth hurts. Realizing that you are in a class behind, hurts. Learning that the rules are different if you are good enough…hurts. Show business hurts.

It left him bitter. He praised his death.

I hope I never end up like that. I could never be happy at a death of someone, especially if he had a family. I think of that comic, and how much hate he had in his heart for someone who from what I gathered, only remembered him when he was in the same room.

I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want this business to strip my humanity and turn me into someone who gets a kick out of peoples failures.

It is raining, and I was supposed to wear a suit today. Who knew? I have a suit that is ready to go, and I didn’t even bother to think to wear it.

16/8 Completed
3 Good Things.
Todo Done
Reminders Done
Water not

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Anger – Self Discipline

I was angry yesterday, as my boss called me.

He was asking to see if something was broken on a production system. In my line of current work, this means all hands on deck are looking at you, and you need to create a fix as soon as possible.

It goes without saying you are a ball of stress, especially if you have no idea that something has gone wrong – especially if its your day off, especially if you didn’t get much sleep, and especially if its a problem that was solved by you in the past.

It turned out to be a tempest in a teapot, for the most part. My boss looked at an old text message and assuming the worst, calling the vendor, calling other people, and calling me because he was sure there was a mistake.

I wonder if he really thought there was a mistake and that is how he handles everything, or was he just looking for trouble with me, swore he found it, and went to DEFCON 4 because he was sure that it was an issue.

Either way it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was angry, and still am because of the assumption. I feel like if someone is looking for trouble constantly, they are going to find it, whether it exists or not.

Gossip wins again – more on that at another time.

Another late day.

I am curious to find out what it is at this point. I wonder if it is just a lack of commitment to the life I chose, or am I just forcing my body to get more sleep based on my new habits. Either way, I have to figure this out, and do it soon.

Its one of the last stressful things in my life right now, and if I can figure it out, the guilt of doing this on a daily basis can be let go, and I can take this energy and place in on other things. I can become better with my skills as a professional, and my self discipline can improve.

That is what I want, iron self discipline. It is the one thing I have run away from, even as a kid.

I was always a rebel, and mostly I had no cause.I have come to the realization that as much of a problem some friends, coworkers, and people are, I could make things better by simply having the self discipline of a master.

How do I get that? I don’t know. I have been doing small things, such as trying this 16/8 diet, writing 3 things I care about, and typing in this blog everyday. I think those things have helped. I seem to have a little more focus at work, I retain more information, and I am making sharper writing decisions.

I understand it is a process, but I do want it to go a little faster.

I think I have to be more appreciative of the small things though. a month ago, my shirts weren’t fitting as nicely, and I was a lot more tired all the time. Regiment and process has helped me lose a bunch without even really doing anything, or making any significant changes.

Who knows where this will be by the end of the summer, once these habits are locked in and another set have been added on, making my mornings and nights full of undaunted productivity.

At the end of the month, I will be ready to add a new set. I will be trying 3 in the morning, and 2 at night. Ill see where it gets me. Hopefully I can eliminate the late thing too.

Self discipline seems to be the way out.

16/8 not done – 15/9
Water not done
reminder done
todo done
3 things done

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My Anger

I got disrespected yesterday.

A comic asked me if I was in at a certain club – out of no where. I let him know I never auditioned. He then promptly turned his back on me.

I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense, but in a literal sense, his back actually turned and he stopped talking to me.

This behavior is bothersome because I know who the guy is, he isn’t anywhere else really, and he was begging me for advice before his audition.

I explained this to my roommate, who then says he didn’t mean it, and after about 45 minutes of arguing, he realized I wasn’t making the story up – which got me angry. Why would I just pull that one out of my ass so to speak. What would I have to gain by creating such a story, when you were right there.

He thought I was mad because I didn’t get respect, however, the whole reason I was angry, was because of disrespect. A club or someone saying yes doesn’t change you, you are the same person, the same comic you were the day after the audition.

It also pisses me off because I feel like he has got to ride for his “team”, and I know this business isn’t based on teams, or crews, or friends even. It’s a business, and people will try to get separation when they can. Even if its small, and especially if they are at a lower level.

I really hate comedy at the lower levels because people try to create barriers. I try to be nice to everyone, regardless of level, say hello, and shake hands. If I am in at a club or two it doesn’t change where we are, we are all trying to get better.

I guess it bugs me the most because in my head, a lot of this plays out like a sunk cost. I helped so and so for no reason, and in the end, he burned me for helping him. There is nothing more crushing to admit that what you did, at the end of the day, was a waste of your time, because they used your help to get ahead, and not to help you or others.

Its a bit of a pessimistic view, but its honest.

I think it is a part of everyone’s struggles, regardless of what profession, hobby, or luxury you happen to indulge in, is figuring out when to help. The pessimist says that that will happen 9/10 times. You will help, and when you do, they ‘t even have the decency to wave to you when you once they are through with you.

The optimist says it is a freak occurrence, an aberration. Most people do appreciate it, and sometimes, they just don’t know how to show it. Its a tough pill to swallow, but there is some merit to it. helping people and being nice is something that never hurts.

I think the truth is in the middle. it does hurt for the niceness to dejected. You put yourself out there and was rejected, for no other reason to help. I think of this when family reaches out and you ignore the call, or you delete texts. I’ve been on both ins, and on the helpee side anger absorbs it all, so I don’t feel a thing. On the helper side, I am crushed.

However, rejecting all comers stops you from the experiences you may have. Who is to say that helping one person may just improve their day, brighten their outlook, and make them help someone else. You can help people for the chance that it may come back and help you, but I think sometimes that is a losing proposition because you become slave to people reciprocating.

I guess the best possible thing to do is to help and shield yourself from the slings that may come from the other side. Jesus , Gandhi, and Dr King did it, and whatever faults they may have had elsewhere, that niceness helped millions.

I am sure someone turned their back on them too at some point. I just wish to have the stability and the confidence to help the very next person, and not let it hurt me, like the comic did yesterday.

Some Random Thoughts:

I finished Marc Maron’s Attempting Normal. Very good book.
Don’t eat Morton Williams Sushi (stomach ache)
I found Juicing yesterday. I think i will incorporate it
How come there isn’t any White porn section

3 Things Done
Night Checkout completed
Todo Done
No Water
16/8 became 14/10. Hope to fix that.

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Little Steps

After a crazy night where PATH train service decided to quit in the middle of rush hour, and added an extra two hours into my commute, I was able to go home.

At the end of it, I was thankful that I actually did get a chance to make it there. Sometimes it takes something being taken away, for you to realize how things work without it. No PATH train means no connection to the city that takes less than an extra 30 – 45 minutes.

In short, it is good to see that all works again, and its interesting how fast people forget things. Tragedy can cripple, but for the smallest of them, they tend to be forgotten about.

That’s what made Mad Men’s episode this Sunday work so well. The episode was wrapped in the death of Martin Luther King, but in a sense, peoples lives really didn’t change. A major moment in country seems to float away, just as fast as it came.

I love Mad Men.

I did a few style upgrades to the blog. I don’t know if I have any readers, but it is a bit more readable. I will be adding a few more bells and whistles in terms of CSS in a little bit, but for the most part, it is there.

To tell the truth I don’t write my posts in the Tumblr word processor – I write them in Draft – (draftin.com).

I love the simplicity that Draft gives me. It allows my words to just be on the page.

I have become a huge fan of minimalism, and because of the blankness here, there is a only room for my thoughts. I can get lost in my writing. In a few minutes, I can blaze through a couple hundred words, without any popups or colors to distract me from the goal.

I have been more angry the last two days. I don’t know what triggered it, but I find myself being defensive over the last couple days, and I don’t like the feeling. It may have been triggered Saturday, when someone I worked with stepped out of their place and said a few things.

It made me think, do I have a problem with authority, or is it just tone. Thinking back, I just don’t mind being pushed, I even don’t mind being pulled, but just do so with the right tone.

My group at work, from the outside looking in, seems pretty good. We all sit together, we work our time, and we win awards. However, inside of it all, there is an ugly underbelly. People are praised privately and shamed publicly, there is a lot of bullying going on. People are clock watching, and looking to catch anyone’s faults just to look above. People undercut.

It is very Lord of the Flies-esque, and it makes my stomach hurt just coming into work.

The truth is, I think my reason for coming in late is I just hate coming into this atmosphere. I hate looking over my shoulder, it is mentally taxing. I can’t thing because there is constant noise. You can’t find a moment to breath, and people occupy the quiet rooms as if they are their own cubicles.

I have a talk with my boss tomorrow about all of this, the fact that I fell marginalized in the group, the ugly underbelly that he isn’t really shown, but I doubt it will go well.

I feel like I will be looking for something new soon. Until then, I will take the time to build my skills and find a situation that fits me. One that I like… Until then, I guess it is time to build career capital as Cal Newport(http://calnewport.com/) says.

3 Things Done
Water Done
Todo Done
Wrapup Done
16/8 Done.

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