anguish – From the desk of Adam Thomas

Should vs Could – How Do You See the world?

[bctt tweet=”Stupid ends the conversation and allows us to toss that person into the trash the metaphorical trash and move on without thought.”]

Let’s think about the words “should” and “could”. I think they are at war with each other, and internally, affects everything – especially how we see the world.

When I experience anguish, I used to think it was just putting my thoughts on someone elses actions. What I am realizing, slowly, is that anguish comes when you put anyones expectation on your actions. That includes your own and it stops you from loving yourself.

Now, loving yourself is hard. One of tenants of loving yourself includes self-forgiveness. It is hard to forgive anyone, including yourself, when you place expectation on anything.

Changing the way I think about any of this is difficult. When I think of the past, I use the word “should” often.

Why is this dangerous?

Let’s take a look at the word. When I say should, I dive right into expectation. “Should” exists as a bridge. “They should have known to take the stairs” means I expected they knew to take the stairs and didn’t. I take an action and make it a personal attack.

That personal attack turns into stupid quickly. Stupid ends the conversation. That label allows us to toss the idea and person into the trash the metaphorical trash and move on without thought.

[bctt tweet=”Anguish comes when you put anyones expectation on your actions. “]

What we think about others often transfers to ourselves, and it does so silently. Toss enough people in that “trashcan” and eventually you end up in that same heap. Language doesn’t discriminate, it controls how we see the world and how we work through it, and that includes you.

The word “could” is different. “Could” opens up the world to some creativity and objectivity. It begins by starting off with curiosity, and leads right to the word “why” (Unless done sarcastically, which turns could into a veiled should). “Why” opens up the world for us to see.

When I sit with a “could”, I start asking questions. Questions lead to understanding.

Questions make self forgiveness easier.

So, each time you engage with someone and things don’t happen as expected, think about the words you are using and then think about communicating so that expectation turns into a promise ( Expectation turns into promise when both sides have agreement)

Examples:

“He should have known about that report being due” think “Could he have known how important that was, did I communicate the importance?”

“She should have been there” – “Could something have come up?”

This is going to take time, and the key is to not beat yourself up. We live in a world of should – we hear it all the time. By changing over to could, not only do you communicate better, you treat yourself better too.

No Cell Update:

I have had no cell phone during the day for 3 days in a row. The insight for the day is how ubiquitous the phone is – we are never too far away from it, and our heads are always down in it. This affects us daily – I noticed someone tweeting while skateboarding yesterday…

Expectation and Anguish

Expectation leads to anguish.

The biggest source of my anguish is when I put my thought process behind someone else’s idea. It leads me down a rabbit hole that I do not like to go down. As much as I hate it though, I can’t help but see it through.

I start to selectively listen to the world and concoct a plan. I do not know where this plan leads. I do know that it has ‘truth’. My presence diminishes. What takes the place of presence is ‘my “ability” to read minds. “I KNOW WHAT HE MEANT”. Process goes out the window, and ‘result’ takes its place.

I hate looking at results. They are shallow representations of work.

This is easy to see in others.

I watched a man write a resignation letter last night.

It is hard to find something more emotionally laced than a resignation letter, especially the first draft. It is easy to identify yourself with your job. It is even easier to take it personal. From what I saw, the entire thing came from a place of expectation. He had this qualification, he worked this amount of years, and he EXPECTED a certain treatment. He couldn’t do the job any more. He looked like he was in

He looked at results. He knew what other people meant. He had a plan because he heard things. Everything that leads to shallow results. It was a sad representation of what expectation can do.

I want to get rid of that. One of the positives of sitting in an acting class is the ability to focus just on the moment, nagged out of expectation. As frustrating as it is, it serves as a wonderful reminder that expectation blocks you from achieving things that amazing. When a scene acted fully becomes undeniably interesting. Something as simple as packing a bag is mesmerizing. But that can only take place when the expectation is gone.

It isn’t easy to get there. But the alternative is to slave to the result, a slave to expectation. There is no freedom in that.