Tag: Communication

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Say It “Simple”

Communicate with simplicity

Most messages don’t need anything extra.

All of the word tricks we use, from very strongly worded adverbs that gently pad our sentences, to long expressions to demonstrate our proficiency in the written language as well as put our lexicon on display, don’t add to comprehension. 

They just detract from your point (or in this case, make it 🙂 ).

Complications are a way to hedge. It’s a way for us to avoid the point.

“If I just add enough words, I can make some wiggle room.” 

Simple language lets a point stand on its own, where it goes from there is up to you.

It takes courage to make a point, fortitude to stand on it, and wisdom to know when to change. 

 

 

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The “Maybe” Trap

Don’t hedge with this

Maybe is an incredible word, except when you use it to hide.

You know what I’m talking about.

Here is an example:

Sitting at a networking function, you’re at the table with someone charming, but talking about something that you have zero interest in. She turns to you and asks about hopping on the phone next week. You reply “maybe” and a  conversation that should end doesn’t.

Now both you and she spend time in a conversation that didn’t have to happen.

In that context, the speaker used the word “maybe” to hide a “no,” which tends to have unintended consequences.

  • You’ve wasted personal time, as well as someone else’s.
  • You’re spending energy trying to “manifest” a “no” down the line.
  • The relationship you developed at dinner could work for someone else you know. Now that’s out because of the results in the two previous bullets.

 

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“For You” Addendum

Change the focus.

Human beings are naturally “selfish.” We think about ourselves. The brain likes to think that we are the star, and our emotions can run the show.

When we find ourselves in a corner, our brain reacts. We go into “fight or flight” mode, and it’s just a matter of getting out of there alive.

The problem with that is when we crank up that side of the brain, we don’t remember other than the threat. 

Try to remember the last time you got yelled at and felt threatened. Do you remember why you felt that way and what was your next step, other than getting out of that office?

Don’t blame the boss too much. We can all think of a time we yelled from frustration. In the moment, it feels like justice, but at the end, we end up where we started.

How do you avoid this problem?

Adding “for you” at the end of open questions. This is a standout point by Michael Bungay Stanier’s book, The Coaching Habit. 

It’s the difference between:

  • What’s the problem?
  • What’s the problem, for you?

It changes connotation, switching from a question that makes you wonder what is wrong, to one that feels like someone is thinking of your well-being.

“For you” pushes the problem away from “yelling” and survival over to story mode.

Getting back into narrative gives both parties a place to think.

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Brain Filter

“Interesting” things are the only things that exist.

Our brain is a wonderful storyteller. It relies on narrative to communicate.

Don’t believe me? Here is a quick test: What did you have for breakfast last Sunday?

If that breakfast is in the middle of a story about something interesting, then you might recall what happened. If not, it is gone because it wasn’t interesting.

Two more things:

  • We are usually the star of the show (self-preservation is the prime directive).
  • Our brains don’t care for uninteresting things since it couldn’t comprehend them anyway. Our brain gets trillions of pieces of data per second and translates them on the fly to the “main things” we notice.

Something to think about the next time you say something that matters.

Note: A great book on this subject.

 

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Cultural Divide

We are all cultured.

All of us come from a background where there are rules on how to talk, dress, see the world, etc.

Knowing these things allows us to communicate more effectively with someone from another culture.

Here is an example: when an American says “how are you doing,” it’s flippant, almost directly following “Hello” as a courtesy. In some parts of France, this is a no-no, as “how are you” is a very personal question.

Think about these before you engage in deeper communication (more than just a hello), what is the culture, how can you learn more about it? It can save you the hassle. 

It can save you the hassle. 

You don’t want to over-communicate in a bad way.

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Let People Know

Hiding thoughts

Getting away from the world at the first sign of danger can give temporary peace of mind. You’ve avoided conflict, so that’s a win in most people’s eyes.

Except you haven’t avoided anything.

Hiding thoughts only delay the inevitable. Either the conflict resurfaces with that person later or one arises in one’s self.

Talking through your issues,with tact upfront, avoids that feeling.

Honesty is the best policy.

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Don’t Hedge

You are slowing yourself down

hedge – limit or qualify (something) by conditions or exceptions.

There are plenty of great uses for “hedging.” Restrictions can help our thinking, our skills, or our resources.

With that said, stop hedging your language.

Every time you start with the word “kinda,” sprinkle your sentence with “like,” or saying “um” you are hedging how you speak. When our brains hear it, they hear a lack of confidence, even if you are sure of yourself. Those words get in your way.

Let’s speed it up :-).

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The Ground Rules are Important

Discuss before discussing

The beginning of a discussion is important because it sets the table for the intellectual food that you are about to share with one another.

It often gets dismissed, but setting the ground rules for discussion and laying out what you want to say can sharpen your thinking and give some relief to the person with whom you are talking. They get to feel comfortable know the boundaries and usually, this results in a constructive conversation.

The reason why it gets dismissed is because we assume it’s silly because everyone “knows” what we “know.”

But we don’t. Isn’t that one of the reasons we’re talking?

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My Horrible Conversation Secret – And How I Try To Combat It

I am going to tell you a secret.

I think everyone knows what I know. When someone talks, I assume that they have more information than me, and it can cripple me in conversation. I spend time trying to think of something else, and sometimes this means I am 7 steps down a road of conversation that no one wanted to join me on. They have moved on, and I am still stuck thinking about the last topic.

It sucks.

Especially when I know that relationships are critical, and how I communicate ultimately determines how much impact I have.

Has this ever effected you?

One thing I’ve realized through writing this blog, and connecting with the newsletter, is that my problems are not unique. I am betting that this affects another person who reads this.  If so,  I would love to share the exercises I do to fight this feeling.

  1. Ask questions – This suggestion feels counterintuitive, but by asking questions, you allow your brain to be open to the idea that it’s ok not to know. This will break down that apprehension in discussions where you feel like you can’t add anything, and has an added benefit of level setting (making things clear).
  2. Repeat things – Take breaks in the conversation and try to repeat parts of the conversation in your own way. I bet you have a unique way of saying things. I also bet that you will understand the conversation better as a result.  This deals with the thinking about something else problem, because it forces you to stay present.
  3. Meditation – Most of this is self talk.  Learning how to deal with self talk is important if you want to break away from the monotony of “normal life.”   Meditation is a great way to learn about those voices, and learn that they are only that, voices. Those voices don’t mean anything unless you give them power.

 

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In 2016, Get To Love Keeping In Touch With The Nudge

I love the quick nudge

Learning how to keep in touch was paramount for me in 2015. I learned how to take a relationship and support it. I’ve met some friends that who inspire me to work.

The easiest way to support that is the quick nudge. Its simple, a text, a quick email, a short tweet. Its low risk, spares the ego, and it holds no forced response.

Best of all, it takes very little time to do. Take advantage of a slow minute and email someone who you are thinking about them.

It holds another tremendous benefit

It makes people feel better. People rarely get emails that hold nothing but well wishes. A thank you note or text brightens my day every time it happens. It also brightens up the day of anyone else I ask. I’ve never heard of anyone that hates a nice check-in.

Building a relationship, getting closer through the quick nudge opens up the opportunity to help. People feel more comfortable in confiding in people who take an interest, and it provides you the opportunity to become a better listener.

You get the chance to bring value to people who aren’t expecting it.

This is critical for leaders. But there is something that stops us from doing this when we could.

Turn your ego off

Ego gets us every time because it expects us to get the upper hand. By extending an unrequited gesture, ego starts to panic. You won’t win every time you do this, there is a chance it goes unanswered, you get nothing, and the ego calls you a loser.

That is a scary thing. Who wants to feel underwhelmed? But the key here isn’t that you get the single action back, it’s about building the muscle to do it often. If it becomes a part of your skill set, youve acquired something that most people’s egos stop them from getting, and that leaves you ahead of the game. Keep in touch.

Note: As with all things extremes get you in trouble. Don’t harass. A simple note does wonders but a stack of them becomes a nuisance. 

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