When I get nervous, usually there is a question lurking in me that I desperately want answered, but I am too scared to think about. So, most of my life I didn’t ask them. Internally I thought it better to live with the shame of not standing up then deal with the “problems” that come with asking.
I recognize that I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of that fear.
So, I start the year trying to understand questions. I recognize there is an art here. There are good and bad questions. There are also good and bad environments, recipients, and people who ask. This month I want to explore these things.
This monthly theme ties into communication
At the end of last year I wrote a post that resulted in me picking 5 themes for 2016. They are the guiding light(strategic) for my ideas. Each month on this blog, I break things down into the practical (tactical). This year I want to tie both together, so each month, I have to write the reason they connect.
The art of questions connect to communication as the gate to higher level discussion. As much as we communicate through our words and bodies, it doesn’t mean much if there is no connection to the other side. Questions are that bridge that allows us to know what the other person is thinking, and what it means to the context of our existence.
Reread candidate
A More Beautiful Question: The Power of Inquiry to Spark Breakthrough Ideas by Warren Berger – I chose this because it does a deep dive in the ideas of questions. Its even in the title. What I got the first time reading this is how set up we are when it comes to not asking questions, how we get trained in being defensive, and how powerful they are.
As we walk into a new calendar year, I want to take the time to lay out what went well, what happened unexpectedly, and what went wrong. Each of these things have a lesson in them, especially the failures, and documenting them helps not only me, but anyone who reads them know that there are lessons in anything.
The end of December is a great time to deal with clean slate thinking (since everyone else is) and work out what didn’t go well and what did go well over the last year. It was both exhilarating and painful to write this, but so is anything else that’s good.
What happened in 2015
I spent the last few days sitting over and thinking about the goals I set in 2015, and what they mean for me. Usually when I do this, I try to pull a bunch of notebooks out and crawl over the notes, hoping to find some nugget of wisdom to move into the next year, but having this blog, and forcing myself to go through that process every month, made me sharper in dealing with whats important and knowing what to write.
So, my process got better. But what did I do that got better over the last year?
Expected
I expected to get more confident – I wasn’t confident. Over the last few years, I saw my confidence erode due to problems at work, an expanding waistline, and, dealing with some of the darker sides of comedy. So, I made a point to get confident again. It started with reading, then doing. Tools like online workshops meshed with networking events. Building my contact list and providing value to the people on it gave me more juice. By the end of 2015, I am starting to feel like the old me again, and I love it since my plans for 2016 involve me making a few scary leaps.
Better read – I worked myself into a good reader. I started the year as an “ok” reader, taking time to read when I could, but by the end of the year I got back to enjoying books. It’s become a bit of an addiction. The benefits are tremendous. 100 books later I feel like a better reader and a writer. I read so much I learned I had to change my strategy though, but more on that later.
Connecting more with family/friends – It felt like I didn’t talk to anyone in 2014, but now my relationships are in a great place. It started strangely, automating my texts to friends and family (sounds cold but it worked by forcing me into a conversation) and then eventually spending more time.I made sure the time meant more too with no cell phone, no computer, no books. I put my attention on them.
Clutter – I started this year with a ton of stuff. Now I don’t have that stuff anymore. It’s nice to walk in my apartment and have room to move and nothing to clean up. I feel like my mind freed up.
Physical Appearance – It’s always interesting to see how things morph. At first I thought of ways to exercise, but I found out about coaching in February and took a chance. She walked me through and taught me a ton over the 6 weeks we worked together, and now I am the sharpest guy in the room most days. That gave me the confidence to lose weight (down 30 pounds this year) and work on the other parts of my appearance (Sharp haircut, shoes, etc)
Unexpected
The video blog – I never thought about doing video until this year. I hated recording. Now, I am glad its out there. Its been a way for me to try to understand how I come across, and work to get better in a medium that is just getting more and more widespread.
This blog – Speaking of the blog, I knew I was going to write more in 2015, but to look at this now and see that I’ve done over 300 posts in a year amazes me. I’ve become a better writer, better at getting my ideas out, and better at delivering content. I can’t wait to see what lessons writing for over 350 will do for me next year. Better content begets better content.
Being a Godfather – I am the godfather to a wonderful baby girl(Hi Skyler). Very important to me and a cherished honor, especially since my life was headed for calamity at the time of her birth.
Jury Duty – After having a period of crisis earlier in the year(A lot of flux and starting a bunch of scary experiments that turned into the wins above) I received a jury summons. It was the last thing I wanted. What I thought would be just an interesting experience to check out the courthouse for a day turned into 4 months away from work. I got to do a lot of thinking and reading during this period,and it changed my life for the better. An experience I recommend for everyone.
Losses
Job – For all my personal wins, my job suffered. I concluded that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. My chance at delivering my best isn’t here, so 2016 is a year I venture into the new.
Submitting content – Where I was great at generating content, I was horrible at submitting it . I put out 1 guest post and ended up doing 1 writing packet. Number I won’t repeat in 2016.
Calendar – I didn’t give deference to my calendar. I learned how to deal with the tactics, but never invested in it emotionally.
Comedy – I didn’t do it nearly the amount I wanted to in 2015. There were pockets of working on it every day, and weeks where I didn’t see a stage.
Meditation – Like comedy, fits and spurts. The good news is, I could have said the same thing for the blog, and now its a pretty strong habit.
What will happen in 2016
The future is interesting because it isn’t set. If you would have told me that I would spend a quarter of my year in a courthouse last December I wouldn’t believe you. Life changes, and to try to plot it out in on big chunk isn’t the way to go.
So, its time to experiment, and go for something newer that gives me direction, while letting my mind roam. I am going for big themes and little milestones.
By doing it this way, I am going to learn a ton and make some mistakes, but the plan is to have my 2016 process get bigger. I spent 2015 looking at what was in front of me instead of the big picture planning that introduces huge reward.
Themes
Execution
My biggest failures are failures of execution. It’s also where I find the most opportunities. This year, some places I executed well (this blog) and some places I executed badly (brand expansion). One of the things I want to focus on in 2016 is how to expand on executing not just for myself, but for the community around me.
I read over 100 books. This was great, but only a first step. I never plan on reading 100 books again. My plan going forward, is to pick a great choice of books that I read through last year, and study them fully. I did this on accident with Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook: How to Tell Your Story in a Noisy Social World, but now I plan on doing it on purpose with several books I read this year. I will still take in a new book and read it, but I want to put my energy in the books that have the most to share, because often you don’t get everything out of it on the first read.
Around September this year I had a frightening observation. When I looked around me, I only saw what was in front, I never looked down the road. I rarely pursued my legacy.I am not going to repeat this mistake. Now its time to take a swing at big ideas, and I will keep up time to work on just that. Clean up time is over, now its time to bat for the win.
In Conclusion
This was a good year. I ended up fixing a lot of the problems I had. It led to huge development, not just in my self, but network and community.
I think the 5 themes for 2016 only help building those three things and in a year, I will be back here, revisiting how that worked, and how it makes me work. If you have any questions, please tweet me and lets discuss your goals and plans.
Every week I do a video blog (of VLOG). This week I talked about rest.
When I started this, I was very scared of putting myself on video, so I got the courage and put myself in the arena, killing a lot of bad self talk.This gives me the chance to work on my communication skills, start a new medium, and experiment!
Once a week, after I have thought about them, I will give them a day here on the blog.
These aren’t just promotion posts (although they are, please watch and share 🙂 ) I want to take the time to break them down and try to clarify what I want to communicate and the tactical things I learned through doing.
Rest is important. We often put it off, relying on the idea that “you sleep when your dead”. This puts us at a serious disadvantage. Our minds don’t grow when we don’t let them recharge.
I hit on three bullet points
Slowing down at work to give yourself the mental room to deal with new, different types of stress
Volunteering, allows you to rest some of the other muscles you train often (through work).
Sleep. We often don’t get enough of it.
What I Learned Doing This Video
Don’t use auto focus, it makes the picture jarring (Thanks Wale!)
I can use editing software on my phone to learn the basics.
It’s ok to cut things up, and make mistakes. Better to go long then to go short.
Mark Goulston is phenomenal. I watched him on the Zo What Morning Show, and after listening to his book Just Listen being plugged 20 times, I finally took the plunge and read it.
It is now in my top 5 reads of 2015.
So, if you love the book, the next step is to get to know the man. I scanned YouTube and came up with this video of an interview on the This Week In Startups Show done by Jason Calacanis.
Here he talks about some of the anecdotes from the book and takes some time to give Jason some advice. If you are looking for a way to get better with communication and listening, this is a great first step.
People are not mind readers. There is nothing more frustrating than someone saying one thing and meaning another. It leads into several bad places, chief among them an expectation on someone who doesn’t know what you want. It leaves both the communicator and the communicated upset. It just leaves everyone confused including the communicator. When I hear it it’s often layered in false humility or humor.
We hate when it happens to us, but we seem to do it to others with impunity. We tell everyone else about our issue, but not the person we communicated with. And we begin another cycle of embarrassment and resentment. When questioned, we become masters of body language and cultural edicts. The phrase “they know” is often thrown around. Someone else actions become layered in our thoughts, creating all types of anguish.
Good communication has a level of feeling in it. We are natural BS detectors. We are able to discern something honest and not honest subconsciously. Our lives used to depend on it for most of human history. We have to connect to our emotion and be honest about what we feel as we talk about what we want. This doesn’t mean harsh either. The truth is not license to let off steam. We can talk about how we feel without going to extremes.
You can discuss any emotion with a little practice. Anger, disappointment, resentment – all these things are valid feelings. When you communicate with those feelings, your message becomes more powerful.
The basis of great communication lies in truth. When we open our mouth, make a gesture or write, we are responsible to try to do our best. Bad communication doesn’t allow us to do that, and it muddles our energy. When we communicate effectively, it improves every other aspect of our actions and , most importantly, things get done.
When we talk effectively, we do so with our emotions not in the driver’s seat, but in the passenger seat. What we think should flow with passion, and defended with vigor, this speeds us up. There is nothing wrong with driving fast.
It is a lot better than the layers we put on our communication to fit in. Layers are stop signs. For me, that leads to depression and negative self talk. The “well I should have said” conversation happens in my head and I can’t help but feel bad as I slow down.
Honesty is given lip service and shamed when the spotlight is on. This is trained behavior. The “don’t rock the boat, don’t make any waves, don’t upset anyone” is the way you stay where you are. Its cutting off your right turn signal – and because of that, no matter where you go, you can only make a circle.
Growth is painful, and because of that, people shy away from it. It is easy to get off the bus when the a/c doesn’t work and your house is right there.
It is because of that pain, you have to keep your emotions in the passenger seat. You will feel a lot of pain from other people, and in time, you will even feel self pain. It is very difficult to hide that from your emotional center and easy to succumb to dishing it right back.
If you drive with emotion in the front seat, you may go fast for a while, but that pain will catch up with you and force you to take a right into a wall. If you don’t drive with emotion at all, you miss the insight and the passion to go at any real speed. In the passenger seat, you can consult with it, but ultimately you get to make the choice.
They use that term when describing child rearing. Parents look to the school, athletics, church etc. to help bring their child the change he or she needs, however – the truth is the foundation of the change has to start with the parents.
I am looking at problems like this now – and I have to recognize that for the most part, I find myself as the parent in that scenario.
In the past I have found myself looking at other people, circumstances, and luck as the reasoning for my success and failure – when it should fall on my shoulders.
I am starting that change – it is going to take some time – but hopefully, it leads to a breakthrough.
There is something about communication that is a struggle with me. It has effected me in everything that I do – comedy, work, life and I really want to put an end to it.
Lack of communication skills is the start of a cycle that creates an environment of distrust and ends with me self sabotaging to the point where I think the world is fighting against me – when in reality in fear, I have made a mistake and haven’t put in the time to build a relationship with those who want with me.
I am going to try to open the bridges and see what floods in.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 