You aren’t around the best.
If there is no conflict, there is no growth.
You aren’t pushing each other.
Stop smiling in the hallways and start saying what is on your mind.
Before your next venture, give some thought about how you’ll find conflict and resolve it.
Pushback happens.
When you delegate, it is inevitable.
Pushback isn’t the issue, in fact, it’s a good thing. A difference of opinion is the bedrock of growth. New perspectives mean new ways of “seeing.”
The issue is how you handle it.
Our initial reaction is defensive. We get nervous, and our inner critic sees an opening to verify “conclusions.”
It feels like the inner critic has control, it doesn’t. Let it pass.
On the other side, there is room to listen. When you listen, you enhance trust.
The quality of the pushback doesn’t matter. If it’s bad, then you can respond with research and help align the team. If it’s good, then even better.
Trust leads to better quality pushback because your team is ok with telling you their bad ideas.
Bad ideas + trust = better ideas, more alignment, more buy-in. This is an equation for growth.
Don’t let your inner critic stop your success.
In The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, timing, as a theme, pops up over and over.
For the uninitiated, The Book of Five Rings is a short book on the art of “strategy” or sword fighting. I think the lessons inside apply to far more than just life and death battles. It is an excellent treatise on conflict.
For example, in discussing the art of parrying someone’s attack, a great warrior defends after the offensive launched.
This strategy is counter-intuitive. We like to “prepare” for an attack to rally a defense. Defending before it’s necessary gives the attacker insight. You’ve given the enemy an opportunity to maneuver.
This idea doesn’t mean “wait to defend” until the last-minute. Waiting too long to rally a defense gives the attacker strength to throw you off-balance.
The best defense comes at the moment right when the attacker decides and commits, and before he gathers strength. He becomes vulnerable because he is locked into his decision, and cannot change. His decisiveness is a weakness, not a strength.
He summarizes this beautifully by saying wait for the “At” of attack.
This tactic is invaluable when on the other side of the desk in front of a boss or a competitor or negotiating. Learning when to jump in and do “conversation judo” (letting the others momentum strengthen you) gives you the ability to create leverage when there wasn’t any.
This method is powerful in any conflict.
The Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi is a short read, and each word is impactful. This book is useful for anyone who finds themselves dealing with pressure and confrontation.
Sometimes we label things good or bad because of the experiences that happen to us. Conflict isn’t bad, but bad conflict is horrific.
I like the concept of force multiplier. It is a military concept that talks about how factors other than troops create strength for an army. If you know the terrain, it’s a force multiplier, an experienced army is a force multiplier, and so on and so forth.
Bad conflict is the opposite. It is a force divider, making your team less trust worthy, less vocal, and more secretive.
It’s hard to avoid because people are comfortable with it. Ever see a Facebook “fight”, does it not break every rule I put above? There are great tools available (I love Facebook Feed Eradicator!!!) and it pays to get vigilant about things.
It’s horrific, not because it’s just bad, it’s a force divider, meaning it is worse than no conflict at all.
Good conflict is a tremendous growth engine for teams. It accelerates the gestation process, gets people engaged, and improves your teams knowledge base all at the same time. I recommend it for everyone running a group.
Most people see the term and think of the worst of it. Take a look at the list above, and think about the last meeting you went to. Was all of that done? Did even one of those actions happen?
We practice how we play, so getting out the idea that you are making something sharper by engaging in bad conflict is not only counter productive, but ruinous to your ability to grow.
Being defensive means you already made up what happened in your head and you don’t want to hear another one. What happened becomes set by ego, not circumstance, and instead of understanding you have a bitter peace when the conflict stops.
Since you didn’t hear the other person, now they generally get more defensive. Whatever discussion that happened between both parties is over, and the point is lost. What replaces the point is more yelling and screaming, because when we don’t feel heard, we just get louder. It stops being about the truth, it’s about being right.
That bitter peace feeds into resentment. Resentment is difficult to face because it hides well and shadows every move a person makes. That resentment feeds other things, such as anger and depression, which eventually leak out. The result isn’t good. I’ve held in resentment for a long time,and hurt innocent people with it. That just leaves me with regret.
Not so fast. Putting up armor to defend yourself keeps bad stuff out, but it also doesn’t discriminate against the good. Nothing gets to you, and that energy sticks with you. Instead of moving on, you end up resenting things about the fight. This is when you start thinking about good lines, and things that could have said.
So now there is resentment in the moment. That turns into misery. As much as you think that closing up makes you better, now you’re trapped.
We can’t help getting defensive, but its possible to pay attention to it. Instead of fighting it, listen to your defensiveness. Something around you is hitting on a truth you believe but don’t want to accept.
Stop the discussion and talk about that if you are with people you trust. If you aren’t, take note of it, and try to breathe. Get present.
Taking your time to understand the other side of the argument can give you the chance to understand the person across from you.
From there, great conversations can happen that help build a more interesting view on the life you lead.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 