Why do we do this?
Especially when we are rarely “fine” and since we are absorbed in our demons, don’t care about “you.”
A cycle of superficial conversation begins, moments we can’t get back.
“No, I’m not fine, I’m scared of…” OR excited, anxious or anything else.
Don’t fear the moment.
You’ll breathe deeper afterward.
When you use those three tactics, every word you use matters. Instead of dancing around the point, you hit it out of the park.
How does this fit with over communicating?
Imagine how much more you could communicate in the same amount of time if you cut “the pork,” used hard numbers, and wrapped it in a story.
It’s reactive. The behavior usually comes from a belief that something is “owed.” If you didn’t initiate the issue, it’s time to return fire.
Reactive behavior creates a cycle, because if both people are reactive, there is no resolution, only tallying.
If you give me something, and I don’t give the same amount in return, the tally is on.
The tallying doesn’t stop with that conversation. It combines with the tally you’ve had in your head all day, and then you shift that over to the next person, and the game continues ad infinitum. Those original problems get buried so deeply that you forget them, but the feelings and tallying stay and affect everything.
Eventually, nothing is what it seems.
Have you ever seen someone screaming at the printer in your office? It’s never the printer…
There is an urge to jump on the first thing someone says that you don’t agree with.
Don’t.
It is a form of control.
You start a power struggle where someone either fights back or gets discouraged.
Either way, you transform the energy from the conversation because you’ve switched the terms. Instead of flow and understanding, it’s war.
When it happens to you, there is an urge to go back on offense to get it back or defensively protect yourself.
Breathe.
Let the conversation sit there for a second. Just listen.
Your patience will guide will the conversation back to flow.
You might even learn something.
The beginning of a discussion is important because it sets the table for the intellectual food that you are about to share with one another.
It often gets dismissed, but setting the ground rules for discussion and laying out what you want to say can sharpen your thinking and give some relief to the person with whom you are talking. They get to feel comfortable know the boundaries and usually, this results in a constructive conversation.
The reason why it gets dismissed is because we assume it’s silly because everyone “knows” what we “know.”
But we don’t. Isn’t that one of the reasons we’re talking?
I rarely ever do this, and it causes me trouble. On customer service calls, I just start talking, saying what I need and my problems. I think I am making progress until I realize she can’t do anything until she has my name and some sort of number that she needs to even start the ticket. For all the progress I thought I made, I haven’t made any. I am back at the start of the conversation waiting for her to enter my name, and I’ve wasted time on something that was easily avoidable.
I hardly learn my lesson, because on the next call, I am starting to rush through the call again, wasting both my and the operator’s time.
I didn’t consider the other person’s issues, problems, or concerns, I started with just my own. I wasn’t listening, I was directing. Instead of getting my thought across, I obstructed myself, all in the name of progress that cannot happen. If I start with a question, I would see what is necessary first, and then go from there. It gives me some ground to work. I am able to see without too much pressure. There is also pressure lifted off the person on the other end because they can’t direct, they have to listen first, and it leads me to talking, and this useless dance continues. If I asked a question upfront, it breaks this cycle because I learn what’s necessary first then I can talk.
This doesn’t just apply for trouble with my cell phone data, this applies to everything. When was the last time you opened conversation with questions, and what did you get out of it? How about continuing conversation with questions? Most conversations start on uneven footing, and continue to go in different directions because people assume they are making progress and they aren’t.
What happens?
Does the world stop?
Do we stop?
Do we cease to exist?
I’ll stop the dramatics here because I think we always have something to say. We all have a point of view. So that isn’t the problem. We always have something to say, so there is no need to worry, the world won’t stop any time soon. Asking if you have nothing to say is the wrong question.
Timing matters. Don’t bring up your hangover story at the conference lunch, that is more of a cocktail hour conversation (and after a few pops there at that). Timing brings along a wealth of context with what we say. Nothing exists in a vacuum, especially our words. This is the question you ponder before you begin a dialogue, and one you question often. The answer lies in listening to the conversation and putting in your fair share. Someone who has contributed a lot to the conversation can have misstep or two. It is counter-intuitive, but by adding value to a conversation, you can trip up a time or two without being exiled.
I’ve worked on listening, and it has improved my timing, stumbles and all.
Fear and ego are the gatekeepers here since usually this is our brains doing mental gymnastics. If you feel uncomfortable in any way during the conversation, this internal question comes up often.
This one is a lot more tricky than the first question because there are a ton more variables. The timing question is about a conversation already at hand, while this question asks if you have any right to join or stay.
My favorite way of fighting this question is to have something valuable already at hand.
When I was a kid, I was very shy. I spent most of my life being scared to express my ideas unless I thought it was absolutely necessary.I only talked if I had to and knew the answer. Silence was the easy way out, because it allowed me to hide. That shyness came from fear, and an assumption that everyone I met knew as much or more than I did. I thought I wouldn’t add anything to the conversation. My insecurity kept me from investing everything I had.
I didn’t realize it when, but I did myself a severe disservice. I didn’t understand that talking through ideas is one of the best ways of understanding if I knew them. I had to talk to see if I had it, and I had to trust the people around me would help if I didn’t get it right.
You have to have trust to start real dialogue.
If you know something, you know how to say it, and to borrow from Richard Feynman, say it in your own words. What better way to do that then through talking to people?
This is pretty tough because in most situations we are in, it is easy to shrink and hide. If we soak it up, sit in the back, and avoid the discussion, we get to walk out unscathed and fight another day. This is a double-edged sword, because since it is so effective, it gets easier to hide in future meetings. You create a cycle of comfort, hiding until you are absolutely certain you can’t lose. By waiting until we get it right, we miss opportunities to get to the point of understanding.
It is difficult, too because to feel comfortable, you have to trust people enough that they won’t leave you hanging out there.
The difference between understanding and ‘thinking you understand’ is huge. That gap remains large if you don’t talk about what you know to other people. Through talking, you get a chance to build understanding and catch up on ideas you thought you knew.
I think everyone knows what I know. When someone talks, I assume that they have more information than me, and it can cripple me in conversation. I spend time trying to think of something else, and sometimes this means I am 7 steps down a road of conversation that no one wanted to join me on. They have moved on, and I am still stuck thinking about the last topic.
It sucks.
Especially when I know that relationships are critical, and how I communicate ultimately determines how much impact I have.
One thing I’ve realized through writing this blog, and connecting with the newsletter, is that my problems are not unique. I am betting that this affects another person who reads this. If so, I would love to share the exercises I do to fight this feeling.
The truth is difficult to figure out. Once it is however, be prepared to find push back. Arrows will be slung at everything but that truth, but in the end, that is how you know that the truth is the truth.
Armor up.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 