Tag: discussion

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I Suffer From Depression and I Refuse To Stigmatize It.

Depression is real.

This month, I talked a lot about the self-talk in our heads.

I want to take a break from that and encourage anyone who is feeling that anxiety and crushing self-doubt to seek help from a certified counselor or therapist.

Therapy has helped me navigate those feelings. I can mitigate my risk because someone can give me a hand through.

So, before this month closes, I want you to consider seeing a mental health professional. If you have health insurance, there is a good chance your insurance covers it.

See someone and be better for it.

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Distraction and Compromise

Be OK with Weird – Progress Matters

If you saw my work, it might look insane to you.

When I arrive, I start writing on post-it notes, scribbling on notepads and drinking coffee.

I then throw my cell phone into a bag and put it in another room while getting a bottle of water.

Finally, I close every window and turn on “Freedom.”

When I do that routine, it is a way for me to trick myself. I remove distractions and wall myself off.

Above my monitor, I have the words “distraction” and “compromise.”

Both of them are my friends. Both want fun. Compromise tells me I can do 15 minutes of twitter and then come back. Distraction reminds me to text someone.

I look at the two “post it” notes and go right back to work. I know I can’t listen if I plan on turning ideas into impact.

How are those two friends stopping you?

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Is it falsifiable?

Just cut through the nonsense

If you want to discuss, argue, or debate a topic, it is helpful to ask each other how you could be wrong.

This question, “is it falsifiable?” lets you know, immediately, if someone is curious or if they just want to vent.

Venting doesn’t help you reflect; it just keeps you on an emotional treadmill.

If no one knows how they could be wrong, it’s functionally the same as venting.If it can’t “be wrong” then there is no room for the discussion to develop. At best, you stop at a brick wall. At worst, you say hurtful things and damage the relationship.

If it can’t “be wrong” then there is no room for the discussion to develop. At best, you stop at a brick wall. At worst, you say hurtful things and damage the relationship.

If they can’t answer “is it falsifiable?” just walk away.

You’ll save yourself a lot of time.

On the flip side, you better be able to answer it too.

Their ego isn’t the only one in the room.

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Get the Argument Out of Your Head

Replaying discussions helps no one

We’re all guilty of it.

I don’t know what it is, but replaying arguments in my head makes me feel alive.

There is passion and anger. I get a chance to say what I would have done!

This feels all well and good, except it takes up my time. Ultimately, I end up doing nothing, and I have a bunch of anger that is useless.

Generated anger is the problem with venting. It doesn’t let things go.

To resolve anger, discuss. When you feel things are unresolved, sit down, identify what is bothering you, and then talk.

Our brains are stubborn. If we don’t find a resolution, we will replay the argument and continue to waste time.

Time is critical. As a leader, it’s imperative you don’t waste any of it.

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A Way To Make Sure No One “Finds Out” Anything

You don’t ever want someone to find out something

Surprises happen.

However, professionals find ways to minimize the surprise on their end.  The easiest way to do that is to communicate early and often.

When I take on projects, I use this, the “client discussion framework,”  to keep clients, customers and bosses engaged and aware.

How to use this

Go through it step by step. Each step requires some communication. Don’t move on to the next step until you’ve answered each question you see. Use that as your tripwire.

Framework

You keep your client in the loop with these six steps of the process.

Requirements

For a project to succeed, we must ask:

  • Who is this for?
  • What does success look like?
  • At what point do we stop/quit?
  • Are there any ways for these requirements to change?

Discussion

So now that we know what the requirements are, what can we do to make things “pop”:

  • What is the worldview of our customer?
  • What is the context for this project?
  • Do constraints exist? Should we add them?
  • How do we “wow” knowing our constraints?

Structure

How are we going to execute the plan now that we have now:

  • Is there a particular framework we use to get this done?
  • What is the team?
  • Who helps us get this done?
  • What is our check-in schedule? What do we need there?

Development

This is the work, where we test things and see:

  • What is our minimum viable product?
  • Do we have a test group of customers/stakeholders that we can show this to?

Confirmation

Let’s see if this is what we want:

  • Do we have the green light from stakeholders to put out the finished product
  • What changes would you like to see?
  • How much time do we have?What isn’t possible?

Production

Now that it’s finalized, time to ship:

  • When can we do a post-mortem?

This isn’t a perfect model; sometimes these questions spring more questions. That’s a good thing, the more you know, the fewer people have to find out.

And the last thing you want is people finding out.

Happy projects, everyone!

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Let’s Do This Thing Again

Make the first move

How many times has this happened after a great conversation:

“That was a great discussion. Feel good about what we talked about. We should do something sometime.”

You go home, think about how good of a conversation you had, and then go about doing whatever you usually do.

The moment passes and you don’t talk for 6 months.

The best intentions fall apart without confirmation. People get confused and our egos generally get the best of us ( “No one wants to hear from me” / “I don’t want to bother”  syndrome). No one benefits.

If the conversation went well, a simple, “let’s get this in the calendar” move (firing a follow-up email or verbalizing it) ensures the next step.

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The Ground Rules are Important

Discuss before discussing

The beginning of a discussion is important because it sets the table for the intellectual food that you are about to share with one another.

It often gets dismissed, but setting the ground rules for discussion and laying out what you want to say can sharpen your thinking and give some relief to the person with whom you are talking. They get to feel comfortable know the boundaries and usually, this results in a constructive conversation.

The reason why it gets dismissed is because we assume it’s silly because everyone “knows” what we “know.”

But we don’t. Isn’t that one of the reasons we’re talking?

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Questions In Conversations

Have you ever started with a question?

I rarely ever do this, and it causes me trouble. On customer service calls, I just start talking, saying what I need and my problems. I think I am making progress until I realize she can’t do anything until she has my name and some sort of number that she needs to even start the ticket.  For all the progress I thought I made, I haven’t made any. I am back at the start of the conversation waiting for her to enter my name, and I’ve wasted time on something that was easily avoidable.

I hardly learn my lesson, because on the next call, I am starting to rush through the call again, wasting both my and the operator’s time.

The wasted time is my fault

I didn’t consider the other person’s issues, problems, or concerns, I started with just my own. I wasn’t listening, I was directing. Instead of getting my thought across, I obstructed myself, all in the name of progress that cannot happen. If I start with a question, I would see what is necessary first, and then go from there. It gives me some ground to work. I am able to see without too much pressure. There is also pressure lifted off the person on the other end because they can’t direct, they have to listen first, and it leads me to talking, and this useless dance continues. If I asked a question upfront, it breaks this cycle because I learn what’s necessary first then I can talk.

Questions open discussion

This doesn’t just apply for trouble with my cell phone data, this applies to everything. When was the last time you opened conversation with questions, and what did you get out of it? How about continuing conversation with questions?  Most conversations start on uneven footing, and continue to go in different directions because people assume they are making progress and they aren’t. 

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Religion vs Spirituality

A friend of mine was at a comedy show last night when a comedian started talking about Jesus. He didn’t present the story in a way that they had heard it before, and before he knew it, after making the entire crowd laugh for 15 minutes, had 6 people stand up, point, and tell him he wasn’t funny and he was going to hell.

It happened just that fast, from full of love, to hatred – all in one shot.

This is my problem with religion.

Now, when you see that sentence, you may assume a few things about me, but let me dispel the major one. I am not “anti-God”. To a point, I believe that atheism is religion as well, and so can many other things, such as feminism, liberalism, conservatism, hell even racism is a religion, and for a lot of Americans it is.

For me,identifying religion lies in believing a set of rules, a sort of dogma, that you are not willing to budge on. In fact, these are things you are willing to die for. You wear this outside of yourself, because people have to bend to your will.

What is spirituality then? For me, it is a set of rules you believe in with a faith. An in belief instead of an out one.

You can discuss your spirituality because by the definition I set, you don’t need the world to follow you. Religion isn’t up for discussion, you either get down or lay down.

Spirituality you are willing to talk for and religion you are willing to die for.

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