Tag: Ego

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Learning is a War of Attrition 

Show up every day

Decide your day with intention.

Once you have, show up.

Everyday.

Our biggest war is with our ego.

And we fight. We fight against the expectations that we “obviously deserve.”

And the minute you decide to show up, it is a war you fight.

Be careful.

We think it’s “easier said than done.”

This war is one of attrition. Each day wears on you, and ego wins when you quit.

Don’t beat yourself up. You’ll often lose this war. You won’t, however, become a prisoner of the ego unless you completely submit.

So, do your best to sustain your energy. The longer you hang in there, the more territory (lessons) you acquire that prepare you for the next “war.”

The goal is growth.

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Three Lessons From Being Sick

Being Sick Is Awful

It’s been a long time since I’ve been sick.

As a kid, I used to get sick often, about once every 2 months. It used to come like clock work. Some of it was self-induced (imagine giving yourself stress headaches in the third grade…) . I got used to the idea of sickness. I had methods and a plan. By the time I got to college I had a “sick kit” always ready. I walked with Dayquil at all times.

The Change

In the last year or so since I decided to eat better, I stopped getting sick. In fact, before this week, the last time I remember getting a cold was early last year, January of 2015. I ended up getting confident. I threw away most of my medicine. When my roommate was sick, I didn’t care. I used to laugh, because he made light of my decision to not wear a coat this winter and swear I would catch a cold. I would just watch him get sick at the usual rate.

Well, my ego caught up with me and I caught it this week.

I forgot how debilitating it is.  When you are in the middle of the worst of it, it feels like a mental and physical block. Your reserves are done. You can’t think. You are in pain.

It sucks. I learned something.

Three lessons

  • Ego gets you no where – I was a jerk to hold that over my roommate. What did I gain from that?  He might have helped me this week if I had helped him when he was sick.
  • Focus is the ultimate key – Being debilitated forced me to think through what I wanted to do.  I accomplished some things (kept my altMBA assignments in order) by annihilating everything else on my schedule (even this blog in some respects – using my altMBA assignments to fill in)
  • You can’t appreciate recovery without being sick – Like the yin and the yang. I don’t appreciate change if I am always the same. The best part of life is the dynamic. I was sick but ultimately I get well, and my immune system is stronger.
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Questions In Conversations

Have you ever started with a question?

I rarely ever do this, and it causes me trouble. On customer service calls, I just start talking, saying what I need and my problems. I think I am making progress until I realize she can’t do anything until she has my name and some sort of number that she needs to even start the ticket.  For all the progress I thought I made, I haven’t made any. I am back at the start of the conversation waiting for her to enter my name, and I’ve wasted time on something that was easily avoidable.

I hardly learn my lesson, because on the next call, I am starting to rush through the call again, wasting both my and the operator’s time.

The wasted time is my fault

I didn’t consider the other person’s issues, problems, or concerns, I started with just my own. I wasn’t listening, I was directing. Instead of getting my thought across, I obstructed myself, all in the name of progress that cannot happen. If I start with a question, I would see what is necessary first, and then go from there. It gives me some ground to work. I am able to see without too much pressure. There is also pressure lifted off the person on the other end because they can’t direct, they have to listen first, and it leads me to talking, and this useless dance continues. If I asked a question upfront, it breaks this cycle because I learn what’s necessary first then I can talk.

Questions open discussion

This doesn’t just apply for trouble with my cell phone data, this applies to everything. When was the last time you opened conversation with questions, and what did you get out of it? How about continuing conversation with questions?  Most conversations start on uneven footing, and continue to go in different directions because people assume they are making progress and they aren’t. 

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“It’s Easier Said Than Done”

I hate empty phrases

An empty phrase is a phrase that someone uses to dress up emotion. There is no substance behind it, just a place where something like an excuse can kick back, relax, and spare someone’s ego the hassle of doing something that it doesn’t want to do. It’s a way to make an excuse sound plausible.

They usually come out charged and passionate. When you take a look at them, their emptiness appears, and you realize that you just heard a hot pile of nothing.

One of the empty phrases I hear most often is “It’s easier said than done.” I heard it because I often said it. 

I turn it on myself first

I used to say it a lot. It rolls off the tongue. It felt accepted because it’s the first rationalization I can think of.  It changes the conversation in a subtle way. What started off as a creative conversation begins to move into the world of “why not” instead of “why.”

I recognized the phrase as an out. Subconsciously, it felt safe. What I later came to realize is that the reason it felt safe is because I used it to shield myself from the mental and emotional labor that comes from something that might not work. If I sensed failure, I would turn try to turn it away with word tricks from my subconscious trying to shield itself from the fear.

That mental and emotional labor is usually the hardest part because you put your ego on the line. Victory is hard to quantify.

Words matter so don’t let them change you

It’s on my hated phrase/word list because what we say and how we say things matter. There is no communication path faster from thought to speech (sometimes we can’t even stop ourselves). The phrase “easier said than done” is a way to deflect from the work that needs doing. If you find yourself thinking that, or even saying it, take a minute when you can, and get to the real reason. It will make you more effective.

 

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There is Freedom In Hard Work

Business is hard work

It’s easy to talk about, but hard to build on. Each dollar you collect from someone represents your mark on an economy, and the work that you or your team put in to get someone to part with that resource. It represent

When I look at my bank account, it’s a direct correlation to what I believe and more importantly invest in.

I don’t take it lightly

Although I used too. I used to think it was easy, getting money from people. It’s easy to spot someone who thinks like this, because they constantly say things like “It’s easy to do that” and when you ask them, they already have an excuse on how it won’t work.

I don’t judge them too harshly. As I alluded to above, I used to do the same.

So what changed

But I learned, when I started to put my money where my mouth was, just how hard it is to get people to part with it. And when they do part with it, how difficult it is to keep people parting with it.

It’s an ego buster.

With any product, watching people connect and disconnect is …well weird. What worked a year ago suddenly doesn’t work anymore. Sometimes it just catches fire. Sometimes people just see it and love or hate it.

It is a slap to the ego. Learning that it’s about the other person, not you, the world buster, takes a lot. But it becomes beautiful, because through that effort, you learn. When you learn, ultimately you earn the right to do it again, and again.

Freedom

This isn’t easy. No one helps you, and there is a huge cost of entry (although it’s getting lower, you still have to dedicate time), but its a constant learning opportunity.

Freedom ain’t free.

 

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In 2016, Get To Love Keeping In Touch With The Nudge

I love the quick nudge

Learning how to keep in touch was paramount for me in 2015. I learned how to take a relationship and support it. I’ve met some friends that who inspire me to work.

The easiest way to support that is the quick nudge. Its simple, a text, a quick email, a short tweet. Its low risk, spares the ego, and it holds no forced response.

Best of all, it takes very little time to do. Take advantage of a slow minute and email someone who you are thinking about them.

It holds another tremendous benefit

It makes people feel better. People rarely get emails that hold nothing but well wishes. A thank you note or text brightens my day every time it happens. It also brightens up the day of anyone else I ask. I’ve never heard of anyone that hates a nice check-in.

Building a relationship, getting closer through the quick nudge opens up the opportunity to help. People feel more comfortable in confiding in people who take an interest, and it provides you the opportunity to become a better listener.

You get the chance to bring value to people who aren’t expecting it.

This is critical for leaders. But there is something that stops us from doing this when we could.

Turn your ego off

Ego gets us every time because it expects us to get the upper hand. By extending an unrequited gesture, ego starts to panic. You won’t win every time you do this, there is a chance it goes unanswered, you get nothing, and the ego calls you a loser.

That is a scary thing. Who wants to feel underwhelmed? But the key here isn’t that you get the single action back, it’s about building the muscle to do it often. If it becomes a part of your skill set, youve acquired something that most people’s egos stop them from getting, and that leaves you ahead of the game. Keep in touch.

Note: As with all things extremes get you in trouble. Don’t harass. A simple note does wonders but a stack of them becomes a nuisance. 

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Negative Visualization & Life In Moments

When someone says prepare to fail, it used to make my stomach drop.

Ego isn’t something my mind takes lightly. Doing things to avoid failure is one of the meta drawbacks I have dealt with. I had various methods, from using my sense of humor, to quitting, to just plain making excuses to get out of things that I didn’t see myself winning. And I did this for everything, from video games to classes in college. My friends used to make me sit behind them so I didn’t “trip” and turn off the game system.

We are talking that deep.

So when I heard of negative visualization, or the act of visualizing the worst possible scenario and sitting in it, I thought it wasn’t for me. My ego couldn’t take that hit, and I couldn’t admit to that being the cause (the ego loves to hide) . I read about it,  pushed it to the far recesses of my memory, labeled it something to talk about at networking events to sound interesting , and didn’t think about it again until it popped up in another article,book,or conversation I was having.

Then, I ended up booked(I do stand up comedy)  at a show I didn’t prepare for.

Usually this isn’t a problem when it’s in some bar, where the stakes were lower, but this was a much bigger event.  And, I had to do new material, none of the things I’ve honed over the years. This added a new level of stress.

I tried a bunch of methods, and I calmed myself, but I didn’t feel ready. Then, I remembered negative visualization. I sat down, closed my eyes, and imagined, second by second, everyone at the show not laughing, none of my jokes working, and people getting angry.

I fought my ego every step of the way, but eventually I got through it. I opened my eyes, and suddenly, I felt better. The anxiety lifted.

Soon I performed, and with that baseline in my head, the second I got my first laugh, the rest was gravy.

This technique helped my life by showing me that the worst, when you think about it, and mentally live through it, isn’t the boogie man. It is just a moment in your life.

 

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Meeting Your Flaws Through Your Network

[bctt tweet=”If there is a pang in your stomach now, its normal. “]

Ego is powerful. What makes it effective is it’s a silent killer.

Ego hides in the darkness, waiting to strike when it sees an opening.  When it happens, little problems turn into big problems, finger-pointing escalates, and soon the drama is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

One way to get in front of ego, before it helps pull things to that critical level, is to put a light on it. An easy way to do that is to find out what those flaws are.

If there is a pang in your stomach now, its normal. 

If I asked you what your top three flaws were, would you know them? Could you sit and tell me, with complete confidence that you aren’t good at _____ (communicating, giving praise, documenting, training etc)

If you don’t know what they are – then now is a great time to sit back and think about them. What are the three things that you’ve failed at in the past. Can you think of any patterns that emerge? Try to write them down.

Reach out to your closest circle and ask about your flaws. Our network, especially those who are closest to us, is key here to grab some honest feedback and find out opportunities for improvement. This makes the ego scream because it is most comfortable to keep a neutral to positive spin on things. It opens yourself to criticism.

[bctt tweet=”Ego is powerful. What makes it effective is it’s a silent killer.”]

But, the silent wins for this are enormous. One, your network will love you much more – being vulnerable to the ones closest to you makes you more trustworthy. Two, the art and skill of acquiring feedback is critical for becoming your best self. Three, understanding how you are perceived and what flaws exist allow you to plan around them.

This is a great exercise to do on a normal (quarterly) basis. You cannot plan for anything you aren’t aware of, and there is a ton of power in subtraction(removing/mitigating) – maybe more than addition .

 

 

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Three Thoughts: Ego, Dignity Deficit, Sleep Apnea

It is a beautiful day in NYC and unreasonably warm. Great time to walk and think.

Since I don’t wear headphones anymore while I walk, my morning commute doubles as thinking time for what is happening with my life.

Every once in a while I will use this space to talk about those thoughts, and where they go.

Here are three that consumed me this morning.

  • Why are you constrained by the person you were yesterday?
    • Why does ego play such a huge part in the world around us, especially since the only person keeping the score is that very same ego. It is a vicious circle, and more often than not, it can stop me from doing my best work. Any need for revenge or ‘fairness’ for petty slights always results in my anger rising, and ending up with nothing resolved.
  • Dignity deficit
    • On the other hand, that ego is there. When you offend someones identity and humiliate them, it causes dignity deficit. It’s horrible because instead of moving forward, you leave a person scrambling to rebuild. There are levels to this, but every level of dignity deficit makes it near impossible to work creatively through something. If you are managing someone who feels this way, it is a far better use of your time to sit down and get them to dignity neutral to proceed. Also – a great way to gauge the trust people have with you.
  • Sleep Apnea
    • With sleep apnea on the rise, there is a great opportunity for someone to come up with a way to make the process easier and more effective.
      • Sleep studies are expensive and time-consuming.
      • CPAP Machines are expensive and require setup. Big pain to move around.
      • When all set up, masks don’t secure, so people lose the benefits, unknown because they are asleep.

 

 

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Even When Its Awful – Opportunity

Everything is an opportunity.

Everything.

When things go bad, and they have for me lately, I have to remind myself that.

Dropping my ego, taking a step back, and seeing everything is an opportunity.

My best move, any time I feel that I need to “get back”, is to take a second, breath, and reach for calm.

I’ve never felt better after “getting back”.  I’ve always felt better after changing the situation into something better. A win.

Wins come from opportunity.

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