Tag: Emotional Intelligence

I saw my self destruction in the form of a map. The idea crystallized right as I was in the middle of it.  I didn’t know what to do but to see it through.  I followed the lines the writer wrote for me as written, almost to a tee. Fitting it was in an acting class, the thing was theater.

Step One – Parsed Listening: I had to hear everything single thing that was happening around me. I wasn’t listening to see what was happening. Confirmation bias was the only thing I was listening for. In other words, I was looking for a problem and was willing to go to any length to find it. I found it in the form of a few chuckles. I flubbed a line and that laughter came in like full stereo. I froze for a second as my mind processed and connected the dots to make a story fit. It was shocking to see how fast this happened. After that second, my framing for the event was ready and I was off. Solution: Take a second, detach from the moment, watch it pass and get back to it.

Step Two – Disruption: Now with my mind ready to cause a ruckus, I’m ready to start one. I started to shut down emotionally and I pretended to not know lines. It wasn’t even pretended not to know as much as it was a complete fuck you to anyone I was working with. I willed myself to not say them.  They would come out two seconds late. It was a huge pause before every session.  If they were going to laugh then I was going to shut it down. Solution: Just try to live in the moment. Do the next thing right. Just start with making the next thing right.

Step Three – “False Breakthrough”: I wanted to get this over with, so I went along with everything to get the practice moving. This is enough to get me out of there. I generally give enough of myself at this point to redeem most of step two. The general idea here is to show that I can do it, and I just didn’t want to.  This is where I start to think how I can redo step two at another time. The false breakthrough gives me enough time to do it.Solution: Recognize that ‘revenge’ is just another form of anger. The ego bruised, acknowledge it and move on. 

Step Four – Seething Anger: This is my specialty. After its done I disconnect and leave anger around me. I unplug from everyone. I stare into space. After a while I add a cryptic layer. I don’t want anyone to know why I am mad, just mad. I look at the people who “wronged” me. I look out the window. Anything to show my disinterest. If I am in a closed space where everyone is talking, I put my headphones on.Solution: Breathe deeply, think of something you are grateful for.  Focus on that.

Step Five – Passive Aggressive Professionalism: If I have to do something after this point, I set up the next meeting immediately.  If you ask what is making me angry, I will tell you nothing. I am most vulnerable here though. If you badger me I will break. So to keep it going – I use step four to create as much distance as possible to have my emotional wounds heal. Solution: Breathe, write down my angry feelings, and spend the time breaking each one of them down. Let some time pass, apologize, and schedule something after. 

This has been the first time I wrote this. Perfect time, perfect month to start working on these issues. If I can’t show them, or offer solutions(bold) then they will stick. Self destruction happens way more often, but I do appreciate that I can finally find it.