Helping someone find clarity
Shipping a project before I have to market it.
The moment after I finish marketing the project (omg, it’s done!)
A great coffee conversation
Eating great food in silence
Writing time and gym time, followed by a great shower before 1 PM.
A morning, full of rest from the night before.
Being well hydrated
Peace
When we speak, we intend to have it perceived in a certain way. That is one track. If we are effective communicators, the message we send gets recognized the way we mean it too.
Effective communication is difficult and requires more than just making sure you use the “right words.” Emotions, among other things, have to be acknowledged as well.
Emotions are a layer on our perception and frame how we see the world.
If we don’t acknowledge them, our emotions can hijack a conversation. The hijacking happens subtly and creates what I call the two-track effect.
The two-track effect is when communication occurs between two parties, and they walk away from it with two wildly different perceptions of the outcome. At some point, effective communication stopped, and the message got on a different track then speaker thinks.
The two-track effect compounds. If left alone, it can destroy relationships and culture.
Our emotions are real. They are the pots and pans of our “life kitchen.”
If you don’t wash the dishes, they pile up. They don’t escape. They don’t disappear. We have to take the time to acknowledge them.
We have to recognize our emotions because they do exist.
However, we must not confuse venting as an acknowledgment.
They are two separate things.
One gives an emotion the room to breathe.
The other keeps us trapped.
When we make decisions, hopefully, we aren’t just thinking about the very next step.
Unless it is simple (rare) our decisions affect many people after the initial reaction. There are second order effects, sometimes third or fourth.
Emotions, as good as they can be, often just consider the next step.
For example, when we are angry about something our business partner does, we may think, “I’ll get revenge.” This act doesn’t consider the relationship or the business. We are just satisfying our emotions (which is venting). We miss out on what happens “after next.”
One positive from acknowledging and settling our emotions is we get the chance to stop living in the moment and consider a few moves in advance.
However, they can go away.
Emotions don’t just drift away though. Often, we make the mistake of thinking we can ignore them out of existence.
We can’t.
Thoughts, like actions, can’t resolve themselves.
Just because we don’t feel them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
They need acknowledgement and a decision.
Decide.
Take the time to understand them.
Even better, take the time to listen to them.
Even better than that, take the time to hear to them from another person.
Few things help build trust than listening to someone and hearing how they feel.
You are preparing a beautiful feast. You went to the store and got all the ingredients you need, talked to the guests, and cleaned the house. Now all you have to do is cook it, and to do so; you use dirty pots and pans.
Do you think that is going to affect the meal?
Your emotions are the pots and pans of our projects.
Every time we act like they don’t exist after the meal, we end up leaving yesterday’s “gunk” on them. Even if its light “gunk,” one or two days mean that every meal is affected.
Why pots and pans
When setting up a meal, the guests don’t usually see how you prepare it. They notice the house, the ingredients, and the other guests. The cookware is important because they determine the look, the taste, and the texture all the while not being seen.
Our emotions determine the look, the taste, and the texture in all the problems we take on.
Ignoring your emotions
We are often told to ignore our feelings. Famous sayings like “grin and bear it” are repeated over and over and drill it into our heads that emotions just “float away” if you deal with them.
Meanwhile, they continually color what we see and how we deal with the problems ahead. When we don’t deal with them, we lose out on the ability to think straight.
I saw this study that stated that emotional pain lights up the same places as physical pain.
If someone slaps you, do you tell yourself you didn’t get hit?
There are many reasons why we feel unsettled.
We can’t deny these things, even though sometimes we try our hardest.
It’s best to deal with it the first time. When you deal with an emotion immediately, there is far less chance of lashing out and pushing that energy elsewhere.
We can try to ignore it.
The best thing that comes from ignoring ourselves is a temporary respite. This moment of “bliss” comes with a cost. There is nothing free, and the penalty for shoving things down often is worse than dealing with the emotion in the first place.
Take the time to take care of yourself, because this stuff does not go away.
When we try to hold them down, we end up holding ourselves back.
It’s not wrong.
Don’t blame your emotions. Don’t try to shut them out. It’s a normal occurrence.
You aren’t a robot. Trying to shut down your emotions like a robot has awful consequences. They don’t just go away; they just hide elsewhere.
So, feel free to experience them at the moment. But only in that moment.
They start small, but those emotions grow if you let them. If you do let them, they also have terrible consequences.
Think of it as a fuse to a stick of dynamite.
It’s no problem if it burns for a second, but if you let it go long enough…
Language is very powerful.
When you hear “no,” you often perceive that someone doesn’t want you, when what he or she actually doesn’t want is your service or the service that you’re currently selling.
It is an example of the power of language. Switching one word out changes how you accept and deal with “no.”
Don’t make the mistake of taking it personally, but when you do, remind yourself of the switch perception.
Service. Not self.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 