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Don’t Freeze The Board!

I can’t see the future

I haven’t met anyone who could.*

Because of that, to help keep my ideas in perspective, I like to think about life as a game. And like most games, it comes with a board, rules, etc.

One of the most important rules of that game is that the board isn’t frozen, and won’t freeze unless I decide to freeze it.

What I mean by that is that there are multiple moves in any situation.

It helps to remind ourselves that the mind shifts its perception based on how we feel.

Instead of remembering that we can maneuver, our emotions freeze, take a snapshot and tells us to play the game as if the board is locked.

This is the point where we start making a “5-year plan” or saying things like  “forever.” We look at the world as it is now and thinks it was always this way. We stop talking to people we care about because the correspondence hit a lull and we didn’t email back.

Our abilities stay locked like the board, missing the opportunity (and fun) of life.

We make ourselves rigid in a world that rewards the flexible.

Rigid things break.

*If you see the future please tweet at me @thehonorableAT and let’s talk immediately.

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Throw It Out, You Might Feel Better

“Stuff” Isn’t Static

In Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing , she talks about her process of “tidying up” and the work she does with clients.

Tidying up usually means throwing stuff out.

How does it happen?

She has the client touch everything one by one and asks them “Does this spark joy?” If no, it’s tossed. Usually, that means almost everything the client has.

As scary as that may sound, the result is a home or office that makes the client happy because everything they own is a reminder of something good.

How much better would you feel if everything around you made you feel good?

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Don’t Apologize Too Much

When I was younger, I would apologize a lot.

Like most, I assumed that more meant better, so if I said sorry long enough, I would address the issue. I got to wipe my hands clean and we get to move on.

When I started working for and working with people, I began to understand just how wrong this was.  Just saying sorry is inadequate, and after a certain point, is just offensive. Sorry isn’t a magic word that lets you off the hook.

What makes people feel better is knowing that you both understand what bothered them and your assurance that it will change. A sorry doesn’t do that.

What does, however, is a task that takes more work than a sorry, and that’s a plan that goes with it.

Laying out what you think, along with adding detail is a way to show people you care. Not only because it takes time, but it forces you to think over the mistake.

Some questions to ask:

  • What am I apologizing for?
  • Why did it happen?
  • How can we (include the other person, an offense is a two-way street) make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Once you have this down, think of a way to carry out this going forward.

This is much harder than just saying sorry because you see why the other person gets offended. We hate to think of ourselves as wrong, and this exercise puts us in that uncomfortable place. Even so, learning about the other person, and figuring out how we went wrong, help us grow just as much as the other person.

We don’t get to decide if people feel hurt. But, we do decide how we make them, and ourselves, feel better. We all make mistakes, but learning through them separates the people who grow and those who stay stagnant.

 

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