Our lives are complicated, beware of simple superficial solutions
One habit I am trying to get out of doing is telling someone:
“All you have to do is…”
Usually, the thing I say after that is simple. Situations are rarely that simple. When I make the mistake of saying something so “matter-of-factly” I miss steps. Usually, that makes someone feel worse.
Often, my answer comes from my experiences.I haven’t taken a moment to think about what they see, what information they have, or how they feel. I’m charging head first, often thinking of just me instead of the other person.
Then, its “solutions driven.” Solutions put you in a “firefighter mentality” where you start problem-solving. We love “problem-solving” because it’s easy and lets us wipe our hands of something. We get to go “on to the next.” Unfortunately, since life is a connected, complex symptoms, we lose context.
Instead of jumping in, it might just be better to listen.
Telling someone to “get happy” when depressed is like treating just the headache when someone has the flu.
Humans are social creatures, and odd things happen when we get disconnected.
This is what makes depression an awful thing to deal with. Instead of thinking, “There is a place for me somewhere with some people,” you feel alone, out of place, and discarded.
It started as a one time thing, and now I find myself engaging back into old habits. Its funny, as I write this, I find myself trying to claw for excuses. I keep centering myself back on this because there are none. I have to come to grips with the fact I am dependent on my phone as a hiding mechanism, and it’s a black hole when I need to work.
That urge to hit Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat is solid. I use those products often because I am learning how to understand them, but I know there is a difference between learning and hiding, and I get nervous because I notice I am hiding.
The good thing though, is with a relapse, we get the opportunity to find our humanity, and the chance to rebuild. If we are lucky, we even get a dash of empathy when we realize how quick addiction happens, and how ubiquitous it is.
Addiction is everywhere, but so is empathy
It’s really easy to judge. Empathy is much harder. It requires us to go outside of ourselves to understand that we all make mistakes, including us. It takes much more energy.
But, the good news is by exercising it, you end up much happier along with the by-product of understanding people more, which makes your interactions more pleasant. It also works with your own issues. When you slip, you can forgive yourself.
It is the key to getting over anything.
Don’t beat yourself up, its a process
With my cell phone usage, I recognize how easy it is to allow myself to get back into old routines. Change is an active process, and one that requires much more vigilance than going with the flow. You will slip.
I also recognize that I am a human being, and things happen. Mistakes get made, but how we deal with them ultimately make us better. So, the next time someone is falling, help them up, because you help yourself too.
[bctt tweet=”Compassion is hard work, the opposite of compliance. “]
I think we simplify the term compassion, so much so that we lose a lot of its meaning.
I am guilty of it. One of the statements that brings me back on track is remembering that compassion is not compliance.
For me, the idea of compassion instantly brings up Buddha or Jesus. Both figures were known for their compassion.I think of the parables of forgiveness that both have. What I often forget, is that the reason they got to the forgiveness part of the stories is because they sought to create change.
Compassion meant understanding, and that understanding often left them at the opposite side of the things as they are. It gave them, and the people who lean on compassion, to ultimately understand and decide what something meant. If it meant change, they would go about making that change. The base of that energy was compassion, and I think it’s a super power.
Even so, it isn’t comfortable. Questioning people or the way things done never is. Often there is a price to pay for clinging to your convictions, even if it comes in a beautiful package.
It isn’t a clear path to get there. There is a mistake, where people confuse empathy with sympathy. There isn’t compassion to understand, just using willpower to tolerate.
Tolerating, and feeling sorry for someone isn’t a path to compassion, it routes people back to this road of ego. It is easier when you see people who you think are “worse” off than you, but it takes its toll nonetheless.
It becomes a ticking time bomb, a run on your feelings that can’t help to expose itself when the time isn’t right, and the world is annoying you.
That tolerance is just another way of compliance. Its allowing something to happen, which has nothing to do with understanding.
It isn’t a growth measure, it’s a stop-gap, designed to keep people at arm’s length.
Compassion cuts through that, and connects your inner value with your understanding. It isn’t complying to the world around you, its being patient to understand it, and being a change agent when necessary. That leaves people extremely vulnerable, and sometimes, people angry.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 