Tag: fear

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Failure – Feedback, Fear, or False

Failure isn’t a choice.

Any time you decide something, whether it’s inside or outside your comfort zone, circle of competence, or philosophy there is a chance to choose failure. Make enough decisions and it’s a certainty. There is no getting out of it either. No one stays undefeated.

What is a choice is how you frame it.

  • Failure as feedback – If failure is feedback then you understand the failure as a growth point. The world has told you something and it’s time to go back into the shed, figure out the lessons, and ship something else. It doesn’t affect the who, just the how.
  • Failure as fear – If failure is fear then you understand failure as a personal hit. The world has told you something about you, and it’s time to go back into the shed and work on yourself until it makes sense.  It doesn’t affect the how, just the who.
  • Failure as “false”– If failure is false then you understand failure  as never existing. The world has told you something and you aren’t listening. It doesn’t affect anything.

The best default is the first. But there are times where the other two have use.

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“It’s Easier Said Than Done”

I hate empty phrases

An empty phrase is a phrase that someone uses to dress up emotion. There is no substance behind it, just a place where something like an excuse can kick back, relax, and spare someone’s ego the hassle of doing something that it doesn’t want to do. It’s a way to make an excuse sound plausible.

They usually come out charged and passionate. When you take a look at them, their emptiness appears, and you realize that you just heard a hot pile of nothing.

One of the empty phrases I hear most often is “It’s easier said than done.” I heard it because I often said it. 

I turn it on myself first

I used to say it a lot. It rolls off the tongue. It felt accepted because it’s the first rationalization I can think of.  It changes the conversation in a subtle way. What started off as a creative conversation begins to move into the world of “why not” instead of “why.”

I recognized the phrase as an out. Subconsciously, it felt safe. What I later came to realize is that the reason it felt safe is because I used it to shield myself from the mental and emotional labor that comes from something that might not work. If I sensed failure, I would turn try to turn it away with word tricks from my subconscious trying to shield itself from the fear.

That mental and emotional labor is usually the hardest part because you put your ego on the line. Victory is hard to quantify.

Words matter so don’t let them change you

It’s on my hated phrase/word list because what we say and how we say things matter. There is no communication path faster from thought to speech (sometimes we can’t even stop ourselves). The phrase “easier said than done” is a way to deflect from the work that needs doing. If you find yourself thinking that, or even saying it, take a minute when you can, and get to the real reason. It will make you more effective.

 

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What Professionalism Isn’t

I strive for professionalism

This isn’t an accident. Being a professional doesn’t come by luck or happenstance, it comes from deliberate action. Deliberate action is difficult, because it comes at a cost of comfort and space.  

I love being around professionals. There are some great byproducts that come from it, like getting better results, having an impressive group of friends, or being well liked by powerful people  through getting to know them. All of this is well and good, but they don’t make you one.

Here are a few things professionalism isn’t

  • Results-based – Just because I get to a million dollars* doesn’t mean I am successful. I made this first because results are the most visible. If I see a millionaire I, and the world I project, will most likely see him as professional. This is wrong. The key distinction here is that successful doesn’t mean professional, because luck plays a role in results, but not professionalism.
  • Friends-based – Powerful friends don’t make you a professional. I can’t call someone to improve my professionalism. Being around professionals helps, lets me see the model, but there is no such thing as professional osmosis. The key distinction here is that being seen around professionals or hanging around professionals doesn’t make me a professional.
  • Magic-based – You don’t just wake up one. There is no knighting ceremony or ritual. There is no time need. There is no pumpkin turning into a horse-drawn chariot. The key distinction here is that no one can make me a professional.  No one casts “a spell” and creates “a professional.”

Don’t confuse the byproduct with the product

It is far more comfortable to leave it alone and just hang out with the byproducts,  or stick around the same conferences, or buying things that will “transform” you. Becoming a professional is tough. It gets confusing. It is often a scary process, filled with dark nights and wondering if it’s worth it. If you do want it though, you should put your effort into the work.

Note: Tomorrow I will get into what professionalism is.

*Insert any resource here.

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Follow-up Questions – Intriguing, Cynical, Fearful :-)

I love asking follow-up questions.

Part of me gets intrigued when someone goes deeper.

Another more cynical part of me hopes the person can’t answer.

Another part of me gets scared that I pushed them too far.

I think all three parts create the balance in conversation, and more specifically, in follow-up questions.

What is the intriguing part?

Asking questions is a skill, one that takes time to develop. Each time I get the opportunity to ask a follow-up question, I get a chance to work on it. It’s a small window that lets me test how I ask questions.  It is usually successful, because people love to talk about themselves.

There is also a chance that the conversation takes a turn I didn’t expect. I love these moments, because they increase my knowledge base and add some fun to any conversation. Those unforeseen turns make dinner conversation exciting.

What is the cynical part?

I’ve learned that follow-up questions lead to interesting answers. In some cases, they lead to no answer at all. My inner cynic is waiting for that moment, to confirm his main thought, that “no one knows anything.”

There is a purpose for this, though: The most deft in conversation use that inner cynic to know when to move on, and not to press. If I don’t let it go, it presses me towards the third part of this post.

What is the fear part?

Fear is everywhere. I have a ton of fear in conversations, but when it concerns follow-up questions, sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to go too far. When someone loves what they talk about, they love nothing more than a follow-up question. However, if someone doesn’t know, is posturing, or is having a slow night then there is nothing more terrifying than the follow-up question.

The cynic pushes me here sometimes, and I often regret it. Nobody wins, so watch the ego.

Follow-up questions need to exist.

Even with the fear of exposing yourself, conversation gets better, generally, with follow-up questions. They give you a chance to get to know the people around you, continue conversations, and dance with some internal daemons*. When it comes to conversation and building relationships, do more, not less.

 

*Not demons 😉

 

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Focus Decisions and Fear

Focus gets scary

Decision making is difficult, but when it happens, I’ve realized that I get better with focus. Putting my energy into something, especially with the “Do-Talk-Consume” principle, really digs deep. My life becomes engrossed in whatever discipline I choose. But, to pick that thing, I have to decide, and decisions come with a level of fear I don’t get when I decide to live with no boundaries.

Some of those fears.

  • The What fear – What if I don’t do this right, what if I am not good enough, what if I don’t do enough, what if I fail publicly, etc.
  • The Why fear – Why do I want this so bad, why is everyone doing this, why am I scared, why can’t this get easy, etc.
  • The How fear – How do I do this, how do I work, how does any of this work, how much is this going to cost, how much time, etc.
  • The Who fear – Who am I to do this, who chooses this, who will like this, who will get this, etc.
  • The When fear – When will I be done, when will I win, when will I lose, when will this pay off, etc.

Eventually I realize

We can’t do everything for everybody. Time is the only resource we have, and the only way we get to make that time count is if we sit down and work through the above fears. Each one of the questions runs through our minds when we decide to give something focus because we start abstaining from “all that life has to offer.” There is an opportunity cost with everything – things we accept  and things we don’t. The fear boils down to that.  The greatest truth is, we only have time. We have to make decisions to make that time count.

 

Note: The bold questions are the biggest offenders to me. 

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Good Stuff Builds On Good Stuff – Growth Principle

Writing every day is a chore.

As much fun as it is to get this out of my head, some days I sit down, and I can’t get this blog post going. There is a fear associated with this. Every time I write an excellent post, one that people like, there is always another one that doesn’t get the love I want it to or sits there hanging in the wind.

This uncertainty builds fear that follows me writing this stuff. Sometimes it isn’t fun, and sometimes, it even gets scary.

But I know that through writing every post, I get the chance to write again tomorrow, and each post helps me do better than I did before.

The momentum helps

Every time I write, I feel like I am working out.  And like working out, going to the gym, whether it is a lucky day or not, at least keeps you in shape. There is no downside to cranking out a blog post every day. I get better with showing up.

This place helps me define my thinking. This has spread to other parts of my life, like my social networks. If you look at my Instagram, book reviews. Those were born from writing about books here, in a small way, not a big way. My LinkedIn has leadership posts, that came from the blog, and gave me the confidence to tell better stories to connect. My YouTube is a video blog. I didn’t know how to shoot video, but writing here gave them ability to synthesize ideas to put them on video.

Growth matter

Your brain isn’t a thing that grows based on what school you went to or who your parents are. It becomes better, like any other muscle, by using it. You use it by doing things or thinking deeply about the world around you. Neither of these things is passive, and both, when applied, take a ton of brain muscle to do.

Every day I post here, its growth. The material, good and bad, allow me to work longer and do better. It gives me a scratch pad, a place to learn something different.  Good content builds on good content. It’s the gym, and it gives me the opportunity to turn in better and better work.

 

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Questions Lead to Answers – Throwing It Against The Glass

Questions are scary.

They take a lot to ask. You have to get ready to answer them. They are unpredictable.  If the world fit into basket we want it to, then there is no anxiety. If no one asks questions after finishing, then we get comfort.

But I wager the scariest thing isn’t that people ask questions. The scariest thing to people is that questions lead to answers.

Questions lead to answers.

Question lead to answers, even if we don’t want to hear them.

The answers can come in many forms, based on how people treat you, what they say, or how they act afterwards, but questions lead to answers.

That’s a hard thing to swallow because we end up having to deal with not being right. The idea of not making the most of our situation, and dealing with the idea that we aren’t going to be right with our assumptions.

It isn’t an easy task, and people block questions all the time. It isn’t an easy way to ask a lot of the time. The people around you shush you, and your ego tries to do so by making your stomach hurt.

Throwing a rock against the glass

Every time we ask a question, we throw a rock. There is fear through throwing the rock, but the bigger fear is breaking the glass.

The glass is our interpretation of the world. Each layer is foggier and foggier, changing our reality.

We all see things differently, because we see with our brains, and not our eyes. It is an important distinction, because if you think you see the world as it is, there is no room for questioning anything wholeheartedly, and you have effectively shut yourself off.

They say perception is reality, but that saying is for people who do not bother to try to see reality. It is a saying of comfort. It is fear talking.

That fear is debilitating.

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Scarcity is comfortable, thats why we choose it.

This is a hard pill to swallow

We grew up being told one day we could all “be president” but as soon as that speech was over, given reminders to get “realistic”.

What the term “realistic” hides is scarcity. Scarcity is telling us not to reach so far, not to stand out, not to make too much of a ruckus.

I hate it, and I feel we kill our inner self every time we use it. The question is why do we do it?  I think we do it because its comfortable, we decide to live with the “get realistic” ideals of scarcity because its easier to keep yourself trapped then to risk your ego by going out on your own.

The reason I hate it so much is because I am as guilty of it as anyone I know.

Abundance vs scarcity

When we are younger, we learn to hold on to what we have. It isn’t a problem to keep a hold of something. In fact, it’s seen at as a way to win through life. Keep your head down, keep what you have, when its safe, get more.

That’s scarcity.

Taking the next step, trusting your skill, knowing the world has more. Learning to get involved, to count, to matter.

That’s Abundance.

Failure comes in both directions, but you have to ask yourself, which failure sounds more interesting?

But we are comfortable with scarcity

We begin to blame everything and everyone for that fear, but truthfully, its our own demons. Our communities are comfortable with the idea, so saying things like “it pays the bills” or “its a job” makes perfect sense to people.

But, greatness, and understanding scratches that itch. That doesn’t come with being safe. We have to try for more, get uncomfortable with it.

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Understand Why You Get Defensive

defensive

Being defensive means you already made up what happened in your head and you don’t want to hear another one. What happened becomes set by ego, not circumstance, and instead of understanding you have a bitter peace when the conflict stops.

So, you’ve kept your ego safe, what are the consequences of being defensive?

Since you didn’t hear the other person, now they generally get more defensive. Whatever discussion that happened between both parties is over, and the point is lost. What replaces the point is more yelling and screaming, because when we don’t feel heard, we just get louder. It stops being about the truth, it’s about being right.

That bitter peace feeds into resentment. Resentment is difficult to face because it hides well and shadows every move a person makes. That resentment feeds other things, such as anger and depression, which eventually leak out. The result isn’t good. I’ve held in resentment for a long time,and hurt innocent people with it. That just leaves me with regret.

 

Alright, so my relationship with the other person gets damaged, I get to be alright!

Not so fast. Putting up armor to defend yourself keeps bad stuff out, but it also doesn’t discriminate against the good. Nothing gets to you, and that energy sticks with you. Instead of moving on, you end up resenting things about the fight. This is when you start thinking about good lines, and things that could have said.

So now there is resentment in the moment.  That turns into misery. As much as you think that closing up makes you better, now you’re trapped.

We can’t help getting defensive, but its possible to pay attention to it. Instead of fighting it, listen to your defensiveness. Something around you is hitting on a truth you believe but don’t want to accept.

Stop the discussion and talk about that if you are with people you trust. If you aren’t, take note of it, and try to breathe. Get present.

 

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Distraction and Imposter – 2 Levels Of Fear

 

[bctt tweet=”This allows me to engage, moment by moment.”]

Feeling “I don’t know” scares me.

Whenever the work of “I don’t know” creeps in, it isn’t pretty. We used to walk with a guide, a checklist, or a boss handing us things to do, but with creative work, we get ambiguity and it makes us unsettled. We look for another preoccupation to get through it.

I’ve identified two levels of avoidance.

Distraction (Level 1)

Useless pings keep me going.

There is nothing that takes my distraction away better than a ping.

I will, when I am not aware, set my life up to receive these pings. Send out a few text messages, get in an argument on Reddit, click on a hashtag on twitter, or find a new article on the internet to investigate.

All of these things create an environment where people can respond.  Once I get the response, now I can keep the conversation going until I lose it. I get to avoid the work ahead of me.

Impostor (Level 2)

You don’t belong here, everyone else does.

 

Whenever I beat back the distraction (generally through locking myself into a room) I get to the impostor syndrome, which is all about feeling like you don’t belong or not worthy.

If I look for someone who has more “right” to write, I don’t have to look long. The internet is full of people who have a better blog than this. The writing is tighter, the content more shared, and the readership higher.

When this part wins, I settle in and lose the will to work. I see my XBOX and notice how close it is.

[bctt tweet=”with creative work, we get ambiguity and it makes us unsettled. We look for distractions to get through it. “]

 

Both of these guys lead us into excuses. Those excuses lead to inaction. When dealing with risk and shipping things, I am getting involved with both of these concepts almost every night.

My best defense lately is to recognize them. Engage with them. Ask questions to myself such as:

  • Why do I want to run?
  • What don’t I know?
  • Whats the next action?

This allows me to engage, moment by moment. I don’t always win, but I get closer to honesty – which makes the next step easier.

The jitters are going away when I don’t have my cell phone. Feels embarrassing to say that. But its proof that this cell phone rehab is working. 

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