Tag: fear

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The Three Brains: Run Away With Fear

We deal with the unknown. There are consequences. We freak out sometimes and succumb to fear. These things paralyze you to the point that even simple tasks get overwhelming.

That fear is scary. We tell ourselves one false move and  its over.

In my head, I feel like I’ve built a house of cards through white lies and half-truths. One mistake, and down goes that house. 

 I go from being stable person to homeless, effective immediately, looking for change. Highlights of my new day would include free swipes on the train and a cool night that provides an empty park bench for me to rest on. 

A side effect of not having my headphones on and no cell phone is that I see New York City’s homeless. With any distraction they disappear – a reminder of the power of the brain, and whole people fade into the background

A little research has led me to see my brain differently. We don’t have a singular brain, but 3 in our heads – reptilian, mammalian, and human. They come up with different solutions and we act on all three to decide our next move.

Lets take a look at it in the context of a meeting at work.

RUN AWAY!!!RUN FAR AWAY!!!

Up first – reptilian.

Some call it the lizard brain and it represents our fight or flight. Unfortunately, due to evolution, it is the strongest part of the brain. It makes sense – for most of our history, fight or flight meant everything.

Sitting in a meeting and you feel that uncomfortable “bleh” feeling. Twitter is just one click away. (FYI: People who feel snooty with the business iPhone or Blackberry – email is the same escape). It starts down this path and gets the other two parts in on the action.

Scariest part, it doesn’t get to make any decision of nuance, it has comfortable or this is it.

I don’t want to stand out, that tall poppy gets cut every time. 

Next up is the mammalian or the group think part. This is the other part of that equation, the layer over the panic.

“Don’t stand out, don’t raise your hand, wait to be called, and don’t you see everyone else sitting quietly? Be like them and fit in.”

If they wanted me to talk they would have just asked.

Then comes the human part, where we rationalize the things underneath.

All this comes together to create this awful feeling that we aren’t supposed to do this.  The meeting you were in just ends up being a waste of time.

Don’t blame the brain. For most of our history it protected us. But now, since we deal with a different type of work, we have to prepare to deal with that same defense mechanism.

All three parts of the brain has a part to play. Think about each one next time you get uncomfortable. Write them down.  Don’t catasrophize. List them one by one and deal with the fear in meaningful terms, realizing that the lizard brain is fueling the thought of disaster as a defense mechanism.

It is a part of reality that we deal with ambiguity, and we don’t like surprises. Master yourself, and there is no limit to what you can do.

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Art – My Fear Loop And Getting Out

[bctt tweet=”The great thing about understanding a loop is that once you know you are in one, stepping out is as simple as getting off the track. “]

Art scares me.

Art happens when someone tries to do something when they aren’t “supposed” to mixed with an attempt an honesty with a dash of “why” or “why not” instead of I can’t.

That definition sits heavy on my mind.

It has effected my comedy the most. Based on the definition above, and the thoughts above I don’t think most of my comedy is art. Making people laugh is good, but doing it from an honest place matters. It has sucked the joy out of something  I once did every night.

It leaves me stuck. When I perform I reconnect for a second, and when it’s off, I am back off again. I used to fiend for the next show, now, saying no is easier than ever. I haven’t stopped completely, but I find myself at a place where I look for understanding.

Here are three thoughts that are cycling in my head.

  • Getting out of my comfort zone is…not comfortable. I am in a rut, and subconsciously when I find myself getting out of it, I stop the follow through and surrender to the fear.
  • Honesty is a tricky one because it easy on the extremes. Real “honest” honesty is uncomfortable. Far easier to tell white lies to keep people happy or just as easy be the “I’m just telling it like it is” person claiming “objectivity”. Both bother me because it’s just an excuse to avoid conflict. They also bother me because I do both.  The “middle” is difficult because it takes empathy while being objective.
  • The feeling of belonging, of being enough, and fitting in with just yourself or those around you has eluded me most of my life. In fact, when I am in places, I feel like an eternal outsider.  It makes the other two things above easier to avoid.

Trying to do art is difficult.Those three things have caused me to question everything lately.

It isn’t time to quit yet.

Self awareness hurts but it is the first step in moving forward.

That is part of the journey in trying to see. This post is link heavy because I find myself in traps often. By writing through them, I get a chance to see that stuck isn’t forever unless we let it.

[bctt tweet=”Art scares me.”]

The great thing about understanding a loop is that once you know you are in one, stepping out is as simple as getting off the track.

 

 

 

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Ownership Means Fear and Why A Plan Is A Tripwire

[bctt tweet=”Either you grab the oars, or you grab the waves. “]

As I train myself to look in, and not out,  I get more and more aware of my personal flaws. It starts to hurt. Self awareness is a painful process.

It feels like going through a jungle. I can’t see too much ahead. I feel sweaty and sticky, and with each step comes a personal challenge. Each challenge I take adds to my confidence, but with each step comes another challenge that can wipe all that confidence away and replace it with a lesson.

I forge ahead though, because with each challenge, good and bad, comes better skill. I get to “see” the world a little better. I get to hone a point of view. With each metaphysical cut and bruise I become a little more different from the rest.

I came across two ideas this week that dashed my confidence, but left me lessons that make me cherish the bruises they left on my ego.

Taking ownership is difficult, and I know when it’s happening when I get slapped with a fresh dose of fear.  I looked at ownership as taking responsibility of a process or thing. This is true, but the next step of ownership is taking responsibility for the fear that ownership can create. The fear is subtle, and effects the staff and people around you differently.

My reaction to fear is to put my head in the sand, look at my cell phone, and wonder where my support is.  I usually don’t recognize it as fear, until I look at the job ahead of me. Ownership is recognizing that fear and being proactive in developing strategies to mitigate it. Mitigate is important to me here, because I recognize that you cannot get rid of fear.

[bctt tweet=”Each challenge adds to my confidence, but another challenge can wipe all that confidence away and replace it with a lesson.”]

The army has a saying – that no plan survives contact with the enemy. Until recently, I used to take that to mean when things happen, be aware and create on the fly. This is true, adapt and evolve.  But what I am now seeing that to mean is that when you face something real, the real “enemy” your plans can fly out the window. Contact with the real issues in our lives leads us to change.  The routine has to adapt and evolve.

As a struggling perfectionist, recognizing this is scary, but as someone trying to get closer to self-awareness, this is invigorating.

Each day is a fresh day to develop  and learn.  When we get closer to the pain and our plans change, it changes into growth if we have the right attitude. Nothing that is worth gaining comes without some disruption to the system.

Either you grab the oars, or you grab the waves.

 

[bctt tweet=”With each challenge, good and bad, comes better skill. I get to “see” the world a little better.”]

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I Don’t Know Ignorant Comfortable or Fearful

Connection isn’t fun when it isn’t honest. When that honesty doesn’t happen, phrases start to drop from conversation. One of the first to go is the phrase “I don’t know.”

I don’t know is a powerful phrase. It can begin a conversation or end one. I don’t know shows gaps, it provides vulnerability, and creates growth.

If you do not hear this phrase often, one of two things are happening. You are in an extremely comfortable or fearful place. Either one of these things prohibit growth from happening.

Connection isn’t fun whenit isn’t confident. When that confidence doesn’t happen, phrases start to slip in more conversation. One of the first phrases that gets repeated is “I don’t know.”

If you hear this phrase too often, one of two things are happening. You are in an extremely ignorant or fearful place. Either one of these things prohibit growth from happening.

An easy test for any leader to do is to keep track of how often she hears I don’t know.  If you don’t hear it at all, push. If you hear it all the time, stop everything and understand the powerless through any means. Either way, there is an opportunity for growth.

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My Brain Sucks

Sitting in acting class, I heard there was a party that the class had and I wasn’t invited. I am dealing with a cold and this didn’t help my mood much. I then got caught chewing gum, and for the next 30 minutes, I had this idea that the entire class hated me and the teacher didn’t think I could do anything right.  Luckily, I was able to stop myself and cobble together some of the circumstances around me. Why did this happen?

1) When have I extended my hand out to the people who hosted the party?

2) I had left class early last time so I more than likely missed the invite if there was one.

3) Chewing Gum was against class rules. Didn’t add to what was happening.

I became happy that I stopped myself, but I realized my brain – kinda sucks.

Based on my current programming, I automatically start to judge and create circumstances on the world around me. These circumstances vary, and usually come from a bad place. I default on rejection, and assume that people have so much going on, that whatever I have isn’t worth discussing. After a few bouts of negative self talk I talk myself out of creating a connection. I then rationalize what happened and then go about my business, usually trying to grab another drink or losing myself into some email or text. I am programmed to believe in the worst of people and situations. My brain sucks, it is the number one obstacle in creating connections with people.

With this being a theme this month, I have been able to take some of that cognitive energy that I have for making excuses and do a few tests on those assumptions. After those few tests, which meant I had to go talk to people, and during one of the breaks I talked to some people in the class, I found out that  none of them are true.  I fill in the blanks way to often.

The good news is that this is easily fixable. I have to figure out how to stop filling in the blanks, and a piece of that is recognizing I don’t know anything.

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Theme For May: Networking

Networking mixers scare the bejesus of me.

Yes – bejesus. I am not the guy that loves to talk to people. I constantly fear being escorted out the building for my thoughts. It sounds ridiculous, but its the script that plays in my head, ad nauseam. Each conversation is another chance for me to step over the line, and be seen as the “other”.

Networking is pretty hard for me.  And while I am learning about how habits and systems make me stronger, I find it hard to make networking a thing. It’s always something that exists as a fringe idea, something that I happen to run into, instead of something that is next to me.

There are some associated costs. I know there are some missed opportunities, and I constantly envy someone who can walk into a room and make an impression. I used to think that this was something inbred, but the more I learn the more I realize that this is a skill, and skills are taught.

Next month I am going to make Networking the theme. Everything I do will have a networking focus, and I am open to getting any resources on the topic.  Coaching, books, and opportunities will be at a premium. I have a bit of stomach churn even typing this!

I have cheated though, I already started Never Eat Alone and finished Power: Why Some People Have It—and Others Don’t. Both books have gotten me to check some of the positions I have had before. I am open to more things as well, so please feel free to add comments or fire an email with resources that you think could help me learn.

An aside – but related:

Tonight I get a chance to go to the 99U pre conference mixer, held at the Highline Ballroom in NYC. This is a grand opportunity to mix it up with some conference people. If you are there feel free to say hello, and let me know that I am not escorted out of the building 🙂

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Fear and Moving Forward

I get scared when I improve.

Every time I get a little better at something I get nervous. I feel like there is an expectation on my improvement, that I will owe something to someone because I improved.

The fear helps me understand where to go.

It sounds silly as I read it back, but it happens without fail when I try to make life better. Expectation scares me. The fear tries to stop me from doing the work, and thinking several steps ahead, I take a look at what stops me from doing the things I enjoy. But when I beat that fear, I find myself in a way better place than before.

There are two things that help me move forward:

1) When I try to take things one step at a time, this goes away and I realize I can do just one thing in front of me. This advice has helped me a ton. One step in front of the other can get you far if you let it.

2) When I get someone else involved – guilt pushes me a little further. I get to set up goal posts to guide my journey down the road. These feel like light posts, guiding me.

Knowing things help calm me down. Keeping the picture small and having defined points also help calm me down. Cutting through the fear helps me know that I can do it…

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Convenience and Stability

I live in New York City.

I had to get dinner, and since class lets out at 10:00/10:30, that is my decision. Deli or McDonald’s. I rolled the dice with the deli. After I left I noticed that there were no restaurant health grades on the deli window.

This is the price of convenience,isn’t it. The old saying is you can either be good, cheap, or fast, and the deli has chosen cheap and fast. You cannot afford to maximize the customers safety because it cuts into the margins and slows your business. So, Caveat Emptor, and pray you don’t get food poisoning.

The price of “stability” seems to amount to the same. I say “stability” because for most of us, to hide from everyday fear have to embrace horrible bosses, terrible commutes, and ugly decisions.

The cost is high isn’t it. So I ask, what is the price of facing that fear of yours? IS it worth your health? The best part about it is you don’t have to fight them all at once or turn over your life, or quit your job. You can dance with one fear at a time.

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Fear Games

When fear is a tactic, everyone loses.

The people you manage find themselves locked into a holding pattern. Every step they take they think far to long to make. They walk on eggshells to appease and make sure they don’t incur the shame again.

It works, people start to make fewer mistakes and take less chances. This is when you pay – you have to deal with the stress energy and engagement falling off a cliff. New ideas stop as they have no room to grow.

If you want risk averse, great. Fear works wonders. Just don’t be surprised when you find yourself headed off a cliff in terms of relevancy.

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On Self Righteousness

Brené Brown wrote in Daring Greatly – "Whenever I am self-righteous I am afraid."

There is some heavy consciousness in those words – and they remind me of the fear that can take many forms, and disrupt many things happening in our lives.

It seems to be at the core of many of our decisions, and investigating it, like getting to the core of any thing, can help us understand it and overcome it to create amazing work.

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