Tag: fear

I feel apprehensive.

The first thing is first – and that is have a few sips of water, and start to write this blog.

I am sitting here, typing with a little bit of a hangover, and I have a big to-do list in front of me. Something I don’t really want to deal with, something I kind of want to ignore, something that I wish shrunk while sitting here typing this blog on a wonderful Sunday Morning.

But it isn’t. So I am breathing, trying to figure out the first thing to chop down, and then I realized, I just have to follow my system.
My boss told me the other day that I have this duality – one guy that is full of confidence, and another guy that has boundless self doubt. It is hard for either one to trust anything.

The system is working, because I have given myself a little bit of confidence, I am learning to just lay my self on something.

I realize things aren’t going to go away. For most of my life, I would just wait things out. My natural inclination is to hide from anything that means work that doesn’t align with my desires, even if it make me better as a person and a professional.

For example, getting a good video and sharing it with the world scares the living crap out of me, because I am scared to be judged by those who aren’t in the moment with me.

I don’t want to put up a professional website, because I don’t feel like it would ever be right. My perfectionism comes in and tries to put a hand on my shoulder, and with a high success rating, stops me from even starting stage one on my website.

Same with head shots, networking, and just all and all being around people. For a comedian, I hate to be judged. Even though I ask for the right to be, and I have the delusion that I will be right in all situations.

Its something I am trying to get over. But it is hard. And I find myself falling into my old tricks again. For example my to-do list is about 40 items long. Long enough for me to ignore. Long enough for the any.do app to gather dust and for me to just forget it, pick it up months later, and start anew.

What is going to stop me from doing it this time? Well, I am hoping for this blog. Writing things down increases accountability and if I have this thing to look back on, there is no way I can just will myself to forget it. It is here everyday, and it isn’t going anywhere.

The other habits I am trying to build force accountability into my day. Writing out that to-do list and then listing what I have done, along with pushing tasks around make sure that they just don’t disappear.

It forces me to be conscious of them. I am hoping through that they eventually become second nature – and I can record them like anyone records their name on a piece of paper.

I hope it works out well for me there. I am pursuing a better self. One day at a time.

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Black Jesus is loud. He doesn’t know his range and never is on time.

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I played my saxophone last night after watching someone on the train put his away. It was an odd moment, but watching that ritual made me want to play again.

It brought me back to music, what i used to enjoy, and work hard at learning. It turned my brain back on to something it had missed.

I ran through my scales as soon as I got home. I ad not picked up my sax in years, but it was like riding a bike. The notes were still there, and it still played true. My ritual of testing the reed, using cork grease, and tightening my ligature was there.

It brought me some sort of odd peace. I want to schedule lessons. I filed it under my someday catagory, and we will see where I am with it when some of the other habits shore up.

16/8 Done Yesterday
Water Missed (expaning this to 8 solid cups a day)
Todo Done
Wrapup done
3 Things Done.