Tag: Focus

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Three Lessons From Being Sick

Being Sick Is Awful

It’s been a long time since I’ve been sick.

As a kid, I used to get sick often, about once every 2 months. It used to come like clock work. Some of it was self-induced (imagine giving yourself stress headaches in the third grade…) . I got used to the idea of sickness. I had methods and a plan. By the time I got to college I had a “sick kit” always ready. I walked with Dayquil at all times.

The Change

In the last year or so since I decided to eat better, I stopped getting sick. In fact, before this week, the last time I remember getting a cold was early last year, January of 2015. I ended up getting confident. I threw away most of my medicine. When my roommate was sick, I didn’t care. I used to laugh, because he made light of my decision to not wear a coat this winter and swear I would catch a cold. I would just watch him get sick at the usual rate.

Well, my ego caught up with me and I caught it this week.

I forgot how debilitating it is.  When you are in the middle of the worst of it, it feels like a mental and physical block. Your reserves are done. You can’t think. You are in pain.

It sucks. I learned something.

Three lessons

  • Ego gets you no where – I was a jerk to hold that over my roommate. What did I gain from that?  He might have helped me this week if I had helped him when he was sick.
  • Focus is the ultimate key – Being debilitated forced me to think through what I wanted to do.  I accomplished some things (kept my altMBA assignments in order) by annihilating everything else on my schedule (even this blog in some respects – using my altMBA assignments to fill in)
  • You can’t appreciate recovery without being sick – Like the yin and the yang. I don’t appreciate change if I am always the same. The best part of life is the dynamic. I was sick but ultimately I get well, and my immune system is stronger.
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Avoiding What I “Deserve”

I keep a list of words to not use

There are a few words and phrases I am not fond of. I don’t like them because I find that the act of using them changes my mindset, allowing me excuses instead of investigation. I’ve struggled with this internal fight, dealing with words that stir my ego into protecting itself.

I try to understand these words and make an effort not to use them by putting them on a mental list (one I should admittedly write down) while I use the blog to work out why I don’t use them.Lately, I have thought about the word “deserve,” and how it feeds my ego  and keeps me blind to possibility.

I deserve…

  • Ego – When I say the word “deserve,” I turn whatever conversation we are having into a conversation about me. I turn the discussion into a projection into what I want and instead of compromise, this now turns into a war*. Instead of a listening mindset, I am now working with a wanting mindset.  
  • Blind – The wanting mindset gets me focused on one thing, “what I deserve.” I turn off my awareness and now I “lock in,” thinking about things that are completely abstract, such as what I’ve “earned” and missing out on what is in front of me. 

Excuse words get you no where

I realize that “deserve” is an “excuse word,” or rhetorical device I’ve made to get out of dealing with the real underlying issues I have at the time. They keep me in the “yes” space, a place where I live on unintentional scarcity. Scarcity puts me in the mindset of taking what I see instead of learning what I need. 

*In my experience this is not the same as boundary setting. When I say deserve in a conversation I have already missed the boat with establishing what I need. I more than likely went into that conversation unprepared and scrambling for something

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Some Things Professionalism Is

Professionalism has a wide berth

Yesterday I went over some byproducts of professionalism, but not professionalism itself. I did that because I am a huge fan of subtraction. Getting rid of the stuff around you is a great way to increase focus, and by focusing on what professionalism isn’t is a chance to increase the focus.

So, once you’ve read that post, take on this one.

The great thing about adding things with focus is that you can experiment. I’ve seen professionals in a lot of disciplines, and a lot of their habits are different. Since I have that experience, this is by no means an exhaustive list. There are just too many things I see professionals do. With that said, I consistently see these three behaviors.

These are the three behaviors

Rituals – Rituals get professionals in a mood to work. The great thing about rituals is that they are anything you want. Maya Angelou famously got a hotel room to sit in and work. Twyla Tharp gets a cab every morning to work out.  George Gershwin wouldn’t take off his pajamas when he sat to compose. Rituals work – because they get you to execute without expending precious willpower. [Read this: Daily Rituals: How Artists Work]

Questions – Professionals question as often as they need. Questions bring understanding, allowing the professional to see boundaries.  If you take what someone gives you without investigation and you allow fear to creep in and take over your decision-making (by not asking questions) then it’s the opposite of professional. [Read this: A More Beautiful Question: The Power of Inquiry to Spark Breakthrough Ideas]

Respect – Professionals use respect to build relationships. Respect people’s trust, time, and energy. Saying thanking, having gratitude, keeping negative energy away, and most importantly, listening all give professionals the chance to keep the people around him feeling and working well.   [Read this: Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone]



It takes some time


I’ve had trouble with all three of those behaviors throughout my life.  I am striving to add more professionalism in my life daily. They aren’t easy to maintain, especially when trouble strikes. I’ve noticed, though, if I follow those three things, I get through troubling situations with much less headache. To keep them up, through, I have to stay vigilant and recognize that when they do fall apart, how can I  get back on and get back to work.


The great thing is, this isn’t an exhaustive list. Some professionals are big on calendars, some are big on assistants, some need to run every day, and some need to get some Call of Duty gaming time in. There are a ton of behaviors that make professionals tick.  That gives you a wide berth to try things out, understand your own ticks, and build on this list to make your own professional chart.


But, there is no better place to start than the list above. If you want to become truly professional start here.  


 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	






	



	


		
			

				
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Focus Decisions and Fear

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
Focus gets scary


Decision making is difficult, but when it happens, I’ve realized that I get better with focus. Putting my energy into something, especially with the “Do-Talk-Consume” principle, really digs deep. My life becomes engrossed in whatever discipline I choose. But, to pick that thing, I have to decide, and decisions come with a level of fear I don’t get when I decide to live with no boundaries.


Some of those fears.


    

  • The What fear – What if I don’t do this right, what if I am not good enough, what if I don’t do enough, what if I fail publicly, etc.
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  • The Why fear – Why do I want this so bad, why is everyone doing this, why am I scared, why can’t this get easy, etc.
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  • The How fear – How do I do this, how do I work, how does any of this work, how much is this going to cost, how much time, etc.
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  • The Who fear – Who am I to do this, who chooses this, who will like this, who will get this, etc.
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  • The When fear – When will I be done, when will I win, when will I lose, when will this pay off, etc.
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Eventually I realize


We can’t do everything for everybody. Time is the only resource we have, and the only way we get to make that time count is if we sit down and work through the above fears. Each one of the questions runs through our minds when we decide to give something focus because we start abstaining from “all that life has to offer.” There is an opportunity cost with everything – things we accept  and things we don’t. The fear boils down to that.  The greatest truth is, we only have time. We have to make decisions to make that time count.


 


Note: The bold questions are the biggest offenders to me. 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	






	



	


		
			

				
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No Is Powerful, So Figure Out The Balance

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			


Go Get It?


 


When I grew up, my parents instilled a sense of need in me. I had to “go get it”, find opportunity, any opportunity, and say yes to it. Keep what you have, give what you can spare, and make sure before you walk, the way is firm before you go.


It is wise advice in the world they grew up in, especially as Black Americans.  No is a word saved for yourself. Spare it for the worse of the worst. Yes is a word that gets you far.


But that “no” word is just as powerful


No is the s**t


No is a very powerful word.


It’s power lies in the way it denies.




“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”


― Steve Jobs


I can’t say it better than Steve Jobs there.  While yes is the word that lets us go and attempt the world breaking things around us, saying yes too much doesn’t give us the chance to focus.


No is the word that allows us that focus.. It allows us to be proactive. It gives us the energy to make the impossible possible. It  to the email that just came in means I can spend time on this blog post.


No to the last text means I can shoot this video. Denying that Facebook fight (bad conflict) means that I get the chance to get to the next great idea that will push my idea further.


So why avoid it


“No” means that you have to decide. Decisions are hard. “Yes” generally makes people happy, allows you to kick the can, and not think about things fully.


When you have to create priority, that’s when life gets tricky, because you could end up picking the wrong thing. People use that as ammo against others. Its awful, but it happens.


But that’s the price of ingenuity. It takes being uncomfortable to get there.


The next time you find yourself saying yes all the time, ask yourself these questions:


    

  • What am I afraid of?
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  • What really happens when I say no?
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  • Is it worth cutting off the other things I have on my plate?
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FOCUS! Getting Into November, a lot! What I Learned This Month.

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
 


Focus is hard.


That is why we avoid it. That is the biggest insight I came up with during this month. November is a busy time. People scramble to get the big “work” done before the holidays. Plans get drawn up for the travel that we do.  T’s get crossed and i’s get dotted, at least the ones we remember, so the focus is on family and some of the other stress that comes from that.


So, in the midst of all that, I decided to focus on “focus”. I ended up learning a lot, crafting some frameworks, and made an upgrade on my writing. I got to understand myself a little more, and I think taking what I learned from this month is a force multiplier that helps everything else I do.


Wins:


    

  • Fear–I went after fear a lot this month, and took it on in different ways. From breathing techniques, to frameworks, to meditation, I learned a ton about fear and some of the things that scare fear itself (preparation especially)


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  • Video (New Thing) –  Like my newsletter last month, I started a video blog series. I think it gets better each week. Check them out here.

      

    • Lesson: Just do it.  Ship, and see the results. Experimentation is fine, no one is going to get you for shipping. If the world doesn’t like it, they will reject and look for the next thing you do all the same.
      • 

    

    • 

  • Vulnerability–I read a quote this month – “There are no boring subjects, just boring writers” that I used to just compartmentalized to writing, but it means a lot in conversation, work, and anything else we do. Taking responsibility makes for vulnerability, and we shy away from that.

      

    • Lesson: Talk to people and be honest and be interested. 
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Losses:


    

  • Mediation  – I didn’t mediate. As much as negative visualization helped, I didn’t do a regular practice.

      

    • Lesson: Put something on your habits. Make them strong.
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  • Anger–I didn’t make this a priority to deal with. I don’t know if any work got done.

      

    • Lesson: Start using the signs around me to help me focus. 
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  • Habits – I fell out of a few habits this month.

      

    • Lesson: Add accountability.
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Important Posts



Books



Habits


    

  • 5 Minute Journal–  Back in!
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  • Doodling – In the morning.
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Closing The Loop


    

  • Setting Aside a Time – Just set aside a time to do this every week. Try to keep a copy of things in front of you and batch this.
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Emotional Intelligence


    

  • Negative Visualization – this one is a lot harder than it looks, and when it happens, feels painful. But it makes life easier.
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Network


    

  • Barbershop Books – Board meeting and new plans.
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  • Harlem Tech – Working on something interesting…can’t say too much.
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Organization


    

  • Slowly GTD – Keeps going.
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  • Buffer – Just keep it filled and learn some stuff.
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Can’t Step In The Same River Twice – Or We Are AWFUL @ Memory & Prediciton

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
[bctt tweet=”The way we think about ourselves … is as real as ghosts, and generate based on “bedtime stories” we tell ourselves.”]


A thought  kept coming back to me – based on a saying from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus


You can’t step in the same river twice. 


The river has changed permanently because you’ve interacted with it. You have changed permanently because the river has interacted with you.


We worry too much about the past. Outside of discrete lessons, everything else is fungible.  Plainly speaking, most of our memories are wrong.  In most respects, our past self is gone, and it isn’t coming back. We change when things happen to us. We can’t go backwards.


In the same breath, we think of the future. Our anxiety gets the best of us and we catastrophize. But, luckily, we get that wrong too. We are horrible at predicting the future.


The way we think about ourselves in the future and the past come from how we feel, what we ate, and what happened to us recently. They are no more real than ghosts, and they generate based on the “bedtime story” we tell ourselves.


All we have is the present. That is the gift. The river is the lesson, each time something happens to you, you change. Most things we brush off, but each instance comes with a teachable moment. Pay attention to it, and you just might find something interesting.


The past is the past and the future is the future. It already came and went. Your time is better served paying attention to the present, and listening to now. Take the lesson(the river) and recognize that you(the person) changed. That other person is dead.  Embrace it. If you don’t like it, another lesson is coming shortly.


 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	






	



	


		
			

				
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A Few Thoughts On Purpose

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
[bctt tweet=”Purpose turns things from fluff to stuff.”]


Purpose matters.


It doesn’t hit you when you are knee-deep in a game that you love, or a project that extremely fun. Purpose begins to matter when you hit the slog.


Anyone doing creative work has hit the slog – the time when what you do seems useless. There is very little feedback.


It makes the daily grind becomes unbearable.


When you connect a purpose to a task, it gives the task energy. The more the purpose means to you, the more energy you feed it. A great purpose makes work in the shadows bearable, even for years at a time.


So why is it hard to think of one for the work we do?


It’s difficult because it begins the accountability process. It puts some skin in the game. You aren’t able to sit back and make it an academic exercise – the failure will hurt.


It means a lot. Purpose turns things from fluff to stuff.


So why not give everything purpose?


A purpose filled life is a life that requires great energy. Most people work best when they only have a few to call on. If you find yourself with too much – think about getting rid of a few. There is a ton to gain by subtraction.


 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	






	



	


		
			

				
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Hiding Foolishness Through Hiding Questions

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
[bctt tweet=”Only by opening his mouth can a fool actually become a fool can become wise.”]


“Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”


This bible verse sucks.


I hate it because I lived it for a very long time.


If you saw me in meetings with people years ago, you would think I was a statue. I thought it was best to not “rock the boat”. Silence was golden.I invested in comfort. As I write about often, comfort isn’t free. 


There was a toll. I didn’t get away scot-free, because instead of becoming the lead actor(wise) in my movie, I ended up a silent extra(foolish).


Yes,I was a silent extra in my movie. 


By not talking, by not demonstrating what you know and don’t, miscommunication runs rampant. Your actions become foolish because you don’t know what people want. When you start down a road no one asked you to go down, you cannot hit the undo button. It is time wasted, and time is one thing you cannot get back.


One of the great tools to stop miscommunication is the art of asking questions.


Yes, there is an art to asking questions.


Questions are difficult to get right. One of the principle reasons why we don’t ask them starts with  the fear of being wrong. It leaves us vulnerable and we’ve all been in a situation where our questions are held hostage – and used against us when possible.


 I’ve been in teams where leaders do this, not realizing how great of a gift a question is!


Unfortunately, like with most skills, you get better by doing. Luckily, there are places to practice this skill with very little risk. Here are a quick few to get you started.


    

  • If you are in a major city, take the opportunity to check meetup.com and go to a random free meetup, and just start asking questions. For 2 hours, you will be far more informed about a topic than when you came. (If there is a Q/A part, raise your hand immediately and go!)
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  • Start asking questions on Reddit. Make a throwaway account and just start asking and see your response.
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  • Interview family and friends. This seems obvious, but a ton of things we don’t know about our own families. I am betting you come out of this closer than when you started.
    • 



As you get comfortable, start raising your hand more. It is a great way to learn, manage the gaps of your understanding, and decide your real level of interest.


You are the only one that lives your life. If a fool keeps his mouth shit, he can appear as a wise man, but only by opening his mouth can a fool actually become  a fool can become wise.


 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	






	



	


		
			

				
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“To Be or Not To Be” or The War On Being Invisible.

		


			

		


		
	





	


		


			
[bctt tweet=”Invisible is normal.”]


“To be or not to be that is the question”


That question drums around in my head before, during, and after I create.It isn’t because I have fond memories of Shakespeare, but I have fond memories of being invisible.


Sometimes it’s nice.


Execution is difficult.  Creation is difficult. Every time we push something into the world, we are dealing with both external and internal forces that make us turn back.Doing anything, especially when there is no instructions and no boss to cover for us, means leaning into the fear – fear of inadequacy,irrelevance,and indifference.


We become visible to the world around us because it involves stepping up and saying – as Seth Godin says – “here, I made this.”


It goes into the world, and we don’t get safety anymore.


Fear has agency here. It’s easy to fall into “it isn’t finished” mode.


It hits me like a ton of bricks. Every blog post, video, or email – it never feels done. But I hit the button anyway.


Why is that?


You learn much faster when you become “visible”.


There is a sense of normal when you stay where you are. When I stick in the same routines long enough, there is a chance at life feeling “normal”. Normal means comfortable, at least in our heads.


But the hidden cost of that normalcy is complacency.  Anything complacent is replaceable – they become a statistic in a world where things are that much cheaper.


Invisible is normal.


So, each time I hit that button, each time I ship, I get to come out of my bubble and say “hello, I am here”.


If I get hit, I learn a lesson. If I get love, I learn a lesson. If no one cares, I still learn a lesson.


So, if you ask yourself that question, try to err on the side of “to be”.


 


		


	


	

		
		


			

		


		
	


	



	
	


		

		
	
	


	




			

				
		





	

		

	

		
		

		
		



		
	


			
		
		
	






		
				
		 


		 	
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