Change the focus.
Human beings are naturally “selfish.” We think about ourselves. The brain likes to think that we are the star, and our emotions can run the show.
When we find ourselves in a corner, our brain reacts. We go into “fight or flight” mode, and it’s just a matter of getting out of there alive.
The problem with that is when we crank up that side of the brain, we don’t remember other than the threat.
Try to remember the last time you got yelled at and felt threatened. Do you remember why you felt that way and what was your next step, other than getting out of that office?
Don’t blame the boss too much. We can all think of a time we yelled from frustration. In the moment, it feels like justice, but at the end, we end up where we started.
How do you avoid this problem?
Adding “for you” at the end of open questions. This is a standout point by Michael Bungay Stanier’s book, The Coaching Habit.
It’s the difference between:
- What’s the problem?
- What’s the problem, for you?
It changes connotation, switching from a question that makes you wonder what is wrong, to one that feels like someone is thinking of your well-being.
“For you” pushes the problem away from “yelling” and survival over to story mode.
Getting back into narrative gives both parties a place to think.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 