Tag: Habit

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Tired

I am off of work today.

To be honest, I work my best when I have 4 days to do instead of 5. This flies in the face of most people, because people assume you need to work the 5 day a week schedule to get things done.

I work as a creative and a programmer, both things that require a lot of brainpower to make the move to do something great.

If I wanted to do mediocre work, I would crank the headphones and go slowly, spend x amount of hours, and I suppose look like a champ, considering that is what some of my coworkers do.

I don’t get how anyone can listen to music and work…especially with lyrics, how do you concentrate.

I have a lack of sleep today, mostly because I hung out and had bad things with a bunch of comedians. It was a fun night- but I am left a little drained for the whole experience.

In short, this is the reason this will be so short. I am tired, a little distracted, but I have to put something down, something to paper, to keep the habit going.

Besides, I am actually starting to like this.

16/8 done
reminder done
todo done
water not done
3 things done

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Imperfect Comedy

Sometimes we ask people to be perfect in light of our imperfect selves.

I have my fair share of flaws. I am compulsive, I lie unnecessarily, I am a bit of a narcissistic prick depending on the day. Sometimes I have to make everything about me, and when I don’t I want everyone to be selfless. I take a lot of things personally when I shouldn’t.

Even so, I look to people to be better than the struggles that they have faced in their lives. I expect them to be better than themselves when dealing with me. How dare you not be a good person to me, I am ADAM THOMAS.

This has been bothering me for a little bit now. It’s something I really have to change.

When I can’t tell anything about someones background, or what they had been through to get to where they are now, judging them on that behavior doesn’t award me anything. I should be able to take a break, and hold people to a standard that is in the moment.

I’ll be honest, there is a bit of a selfish motivator for me to try to frame myself in that state of mind.

To be able to be that detached can allow me to be a more caring thoughtful human being. Learning how to take that force, and like judo, guide opposite energy to energy for my cause should be something that pushes me to be a better person.

I think the perks of being that person is a little more contentment.

Being able to just go to work, come home, and be happy when I have a chance to be.

I would be able to make more connections, turn more friends instead of making more foes, and just be a helpful person.

I have realized when I am being genuinely helpful, I get things a little more. I get what I put out, so to speak.

I am hoping that I can make something like this happen. I don’t know how, or have a method yet, but I do feel like I can create some positive movement.

I was talking with Phil, my roommate yesterday. He had just returned from a show, and we were discussing comedy as a business, and where he is as a comedian.

We discussed two things that stuck in my mind today, both things effect me as a comic, and would work well for me to know in anything else I do for the rest of the time I share this earth.

The first was shame.

He had just watched Kareem Green, another comic who works the club that he does. He watched him destroy the room, really put his foot into making the crowd laugh. He watched this after his own set, where he did well, but not as well.

Kareem seemed to be shameless.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, by the way. There is a freedom in being shameless in comedy. All the great ones were, from Carlin, to Pryor, to Rock.

What people seem to forget though, is that they all had dignity as well. Those two things aren’t tied at the hip. Great comics have no shame but are loaded with dignity. They are not clowns, but philosophers on the world that have taken a beating to get to where they are, and aren’t afraid to show the scars from it.

Letting go is what all of this is, the key to being a better comedian once you have the basics down. Being unafraid to let go, leap, forget the bounds of shame that try to hold you back and just trust that you are going somewhere. Takes years to master, but once you do, you have your shot at greatness.

The other thing is being able to take a loss. That is making me hurt. AS I said before my narcissism is going to have to eat this…Taking chances and asking people for things isn’t illegal. There is no extra prize at the end for making things harder on yourself.

Just go perform. Be friendly. And tack on ambition.

3 Things done
Wrap up done
To-do Done
Water not done
16/8 not done – 15/9.

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Apprehensive Old Glory

I feel apprehensive.

The first thing is first – and that is have a few sips of water, and start to write this blog.

I am sitting here, typing with a little bit of a hangover, and I have a big to-do list in front of me. Something I don’t really want to deal with, something I kind of want to ignore, something that I wish shrunk while sitting here typing this blog on a wonderful Sunday Morning.

But it isn’t. So I am breathing, trying to figure out the first thing to chop down, and then I realized, I just have to follow my system.
My boss told me the other day that I have this duality – one guy that is full of confidence, and another guy that has boundless self doubt. It is hard for either one to trust anything.

The system is working, because I have given myself a little bit of confidence, I am learning to just lay my self on something.

I realize things aren’t going to go away. For most of my life, I would just wait things out. My natural inclination is to hide from anything that means work that doesn’t align with my desires, even if it make me better as a person and a professional.

For example, getting a good video and sharing it with the world scares the living crap out of me, because I am scared to be judged by those who aren’t in the moment with me.

I don’t want to put up a professional website, because I don’t feel like it would ever be right. My perfectionism comes in and tries to put a hand on my shoulder, and with a high success rating, stops me from even starting stage one on my website.

Same with head shots, networking, and just all and all being around people. For a comedian, I hate to be judged. Even though I ask for the right to be, and I have the delusion that I will be right in all situations.

Its something I am trying to get over. But it is hard. And I find myself falling into my old tricks again. For example my to-do list is about 40 items long. Long enough for me to ignore. Long enough for the any.do app to gather dust and for me to just forget it, pick it up months later, and start anew.

What is going to stop me from doing it this time? Well, I am hoping for this blog. Writing things down increases accountability and if I have this thing to look back on, there is no way I can just will myself to forget it. It is here everyday, and it isn’t going anywhere.

The other habits I am trying to build force accountability into my day. Writing out that to-do list and then listing what I have done, along with pushing tasks around make sure that they just don’t disappear.

It forces me to be conscious of them. I am hoping through that they eventually become second nature – and I can record them like anyone records their name on a piece of paper.

I hope it works out well for me there. I am pursuing a better self. One day at a time.

Black Jesus is loud. He doesn’t know his range and never is on time.

I played my saxophone last night after watching someone on the train put his away. It was an odd moment, but watching that ritual made me want to play again.

It brought me back to music, what i used to enjoy, and work hard at learning. It turned my brain back on to something it had missed.

I ran through my scales as soon as I got home. I ad not picked up my sax in years, but it was like riding a bike. The notes were still there, and it still played true. My ritual of testing the reed, using cork grease, and tightening my ligature was there.

It brought me some sort of odd peace. I want to schedule lessons. I filed it under my someday catagory, and we will see where I am with it when some of the other habits shore up.

16/8 Done Yesterday
Water Missed (expaning this to 8 solid cups a day)
Todo Done
Wrapup done
3 Things Done.

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Quick Thank You

Forced brevity.

I am currently late to an appointment, mostly because I needed to sleep, mostly because I missed it yesterday, mostly because friends were in town.

Even so, I feel like i still have to log something down today, because this blog has been a bit of a rock for me. An area where I have to record my feelings down, and go back and deal with them when I do.

It makes me happy that this thing exists, and this habit is being picked up. I feel like through that I will be a better writer. Being able to expose things here, means I will be able to leave more things down on the the stage – what ever stage that may be.

I think you have to practice being vulnerable, it hurts to imagine it though, because being vulnerable just sucks. There is no real glamour in it. Even so, as I write this, i feel like being vulnerable has provided me with the most opportunity and the most gains in communication and building relationships.

Anyway, this is a thank you to my blog – I hope to write more in the coming weeks, to people and to things in my life. Make it a part of my day. Be vulnerable and see where the chips may fall.

It may be painful, but i feel like I will gain a lot.

I missed out on 16/8 yesterday by doing a 12/12. I think I will try to make up for it today, by simply juicing most of the day. Let my stomach rest a bit.

16/8 missed
3 things written down
water drinking
To-dos in progress
Wrap up done.

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Better Fitting Shirts

16/8 seems to be working quite well.

I have to admit, all my shirts are fitting a lot better after two weeks.

It doesn’t even matter what I eat really, although I have been a bit more conscious, but I have been doing quite well.

I am hoping to take the next step by logging what I eat in the next week. I think that is my next logical step in this war on fat that I am currently waging.

If it all goes well Ill move on to the next step, but I will say instituting a binary switch on how I eat instead of fudging numbers or doing math seems to have made a world of difference.

I feel better about life, to be honest. Maybe I can make something happen with it.

I have been missing with to-do’s lately. I seem to miss doing them in the morning. I realize tat I can plug them in with my laptop, but I don’t quite know how to make the entry point easier.

I have seen that if I make the to dos on the train, it is possible, but it is awkward and I prefer to read then. however, if I don’t get it done, I tend to let them go.

Ill more than likely do it after this post, but I think that is on my to-do list next week mentally. I have to figure out an easier process to get that done.

On the other hand, doing the nightly reminders at night has been fantastic. I have noticed that coming up with followups and fleshing things out is a lot easier when you write down your accomplishments for the day on paper, and from there, I can be a lot more effective, and a lot better at fleshing my day for the next one.

I want to continue that process, because I see it happens with my jokes as well. Writing things out is a boon to my creativity. I just have to keep it up, because I can only imagine where I can go if I keep this up. It takes the stress off the mind, and allows me to focus on other things.

I headlined a hostel show last night. It went well. I had some editing done to my jokes. I cut them down. The beats came a lot better. I connected with the crowd. I showed what i could do. And I impressed a bunch of comedians that happened to be ont he show.

When I got home, I had a conversation with my roommate about comedy, about the events this week, and how it reflects in our careers.

In short, we beat ourselves up a bit.

After a nights sleep, I realized that we need to connect more with our peers. I need to connect more with the industry. I realized that I have to start taking this a bit more seriously.

Try to build walls of protection around me, if for no other reason, I can be scared of failure. In a creative world, where trying things are key, I cannot be. I have to stop trying to shield myself from the lumps, because that fear of failure is the thing that keeps me here in this day job, and expecting a check every two weeks.

*”If there isn’t a hall of fame for what you are doing, what are you doing?” – Phil Hunt
*

I’ll get there. Just need to keep working. This last month was a good start, and hopefully I can keep making progress.

Random Thoughts:

Chloe asked if I want to write for AHH again. I will think about it.

I need to finish Phil’s website and start my own.

Head shots – I need them.

16/8 Done
Water drunk
Reminder List complete
Todo In progress
3 Things Written.

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Come Join The Party?

I have a friend in town.

He has created a bit of a life for himself.

At 26, doing the work that pleases him. Everyday seems to be exciting for him. It is a journey that I envy.

My life seems regimented, I think that is the reason for my perpetual lateness. I tend to not want to go to work. It feels like a place where people are not in it to build together. There are factions, and infighting, and people just trying to hold on to things that aren’t theirs. They don’t own it or have no stake, yet they feel an allegiance to it. I don’t want to turn into that guy. I want to build on something I own, and not fear that I am going to be fired for coming in late.

We work at factories still, which is weird  considering we call ourselves evolved. The modern workplace is still based on what time you clock in and what time you clock out, building widgets to accomplish a goal. If you are there 12 hours, surely you are building more widgets than someone who is there 8. I mean, its the hours.

It isn’t lifting boxes, although it is treated as such. Time given to walking around, chatting, “checking email”, and doing meetings are chalked as work, when a majority of the time, it is just the avoidance of it.

My friend seems to have avoided it. He is doing it his way, and again, it is something I want to do. I want to be able to take the scars that come along with it too. Part of me says I need to just leap. Part of me says I should just stay put until I have a nestegg. But how far will that nestegg go? Will I stay in perpetual need mode – always saying I need more and more and more, until I am 40? Stick around to keep that solid paycheck coming in? If I do, what am I doing when I live in a city that gives out opportunity to those who want to achieve more.

I want to give myself a strict deadline. I think that will help me avoid the fate of sticking in a cubicle, living with the fact that I could have given my all at anything, but I chose to go with a safe paycheck, and the stress of people who seem to have a need to get over to get ahead.

With that said, I am happy for my friend, and even my roommate  who are bold enough to experience the freedom to do what they want, consequences be damned.

It feels good to see people doing real good things, building their own brands, and making a way for themselves.

I want to do that.

I have a want to be a creative that plows his own destiny, for better or for worst.

It has revealed a need for me to go do something. But when, I am not sure. What, I do not know. But it has inspired me. This was supposed to be less than 100 words, and now it exploded into this.

With that said…

He and my roommate really talked a lot, and I hope that they connect as well. Building connections between worlds seems to be the way to go.

James Altucher talked about doing that for the rest of his life. I am starting to understand it. Allow these partnerships to flourish and let them grow where they may.

With that done, who knows where the world will take them. Hopefully one day I will have the balls to join them.

16/8 Done Water Done 3 Things Done Morning Todo Not done Evening Wrapup done.

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My Anger

I got disrespected yesterday.

A comic asked me if I was in at a certain club – out of no where. I let him know I never auditioned. He then promptly turned his back on me.

I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense, but in a literal sense, his back actually turned and he stopped talking to me.

This behavior is bothersome because I know who the guy is, he isn’t anywhere else really, and he was begging me for advice before his audition.

I explained this to my roommate, who then says he didn’t mean it, and after about 45 minutes of arguing, he realized I wasn’t making the story up – which got me angry. Why would I just pull that one out of my ass so to speak. What would I have to gain by creating such a story, when you were right there.

He thought I was mad because I didn’t get respect, however, the whole reason I was angry, was because of disrespect. A club or someone saying yes doesn’t change you, you are the same person, the same comic you were the day after the audition.

It also pisses me off because I feel like he has got to ride for his “team”, and I know this business isn’t based on teams, or crews, or friends even. It’s a business, and people will try to get separation when they can. Even if its small, and especially if they are at a lower level.

I really hate comedy at the lower levels because people try to create barriers. I try to be nice to everyone, regardless of level, say hello, and shake hands. If I am in at a club or two it doesn’t change where we are, we are all trying to get better.

I guess it bugs me the most because in my head, a lot of this plays out like a sunk cost. I helped so and so for no reason, and in the end, he burned me for helping him. There is nothing more crushing to admit that what you did, at the end of the day, was a waste of your time, because they used your help to get ahead, and not to help you or others.

Its a bit of a pessimistic view, but its honest.

I think it is a part of everyone’s struggles, regardless of what profession, hobby, or luxury you happen to indulge in, is figuring out when to help. The pessimist says that that will happen 9/10 times. You will help, and when you do, they ‘t even have the decency to wave to you when you once they are through with you.

The optimist says it is a freak occurrence, an aberration. Most people do appreciate it, and sometimes, they just don’t know how to show it. Its a tough pill to swallow, but there is some merit to it. helping people and being nice is something that never hurts.

I think the truth is in the middle. it does hurt for the niceness to dejected. You put yourself out there and was rejected, for no other reason to help. I think of this when family reaches out and you ignore the call, or you delete texts. I’ve been on both ins, and on the helpee side anger absorbs it all, so I don’t feel a thing. On the helper side, I am crushed.

However, rejecting all comers stops you from the experiences you may have. Who is to say that helping one person may just improve their day, brighten their outlook, and make them help someone else. You can help people for the chance that it may come back and help you, but I think sometimes that is a losing proposition because you become slave to people reciprocating.

I guess the best possible thing to do is to help and shield yourself from the slings that may come from the other side. Jesus , Gandhi, and Dr King did it, and whatever faults they may have had elsewhere, that niceness helped millions.

I am sure someone turned their back on them too at some point. I just wish to have the stability and the confidence to help the very next person, and not let it hurt me, like the comic did yesterday.

Some Random Thoughts:

I finished Marc Maron’s Attempting Normal. Very good book.
Don’t eat Morton Williams Sushi (stomach ache)
I found Juicing yesterday. I think i will incorporate it
How come there isn’t any White porn section

3 Things Done
Night Checkout completed
Todo Done
No Water
16/8 became 14/10. Hope to fix that.

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Little Steps

After a crazy night where PATH train service decided to quit in the middle of rush hour, and added an extra two hours into my commute, I was able to go home.

At the end of it, I was thankful that I actually did get a chance to make it there. Sometimes it takes something being taken away, for you to realize how things work without it. No PATH train means no connection to the city that takes less than an extra 30 – 45 minutes.

In short, it is good to see that all works again, and its interesting how fast people forget things. Tragedy can cripple, but for the smallest of them, they tend to be forgotten about.

That’s what made Mad Men’s episode this Sunday work so well. The episode was wrapped in the death of Martin Luther King, but in a sense, peoples lives really didn’t change. A major moment in country seems to float away, just as fast as it came.

I love Mad Men.

I did a few style upgrades to the blog. I don’t know if I have any readers, but it is a bit more readable. I will be adding a few more bells and whistles in terms of CSS in a little bit, but for the most part, it is there.

To tell the truth I don’t write my posts in the Tumblr word processor – I write them in Draft – (draftin.com).

I love the simplicity that Draft gives me. It allows my words to just be on the page.

I have become a huge fan of minimalism, and because of the blankness here, there is a only room for my thoughts. I can get lost in my writing. In a few minutes, I can blaze through a couple hundred words, without any popups or colors to distract me from the goal.

I have been more angry the last two days. I don’t know what triggered it, but I find myself being defensive over the last couple days, and I don’t like the feeling. It may have been triggered Saturday, when someone I worked with stepped out of their place and said a few things.

It made me think, do I have a problem with authority, or is it just tone. Thinking back, I just don’t mind being pushed, I even don’t mind being pulled, but just do so with the right tone.

My group at work, from the outside looking in, seems pretty good. We all sit together, we work our time, and we win awards. However, inside of it all, there is an ugly underbelly. People are praised privately and shamed publicly, there is a lot of bullying going on. People are clock watching, and looking to catch anyone’s faults just to look above. People undercut.

It is very Lord of the Flies-esque, and it makes my stomach hurt just coming into work.

The truth is, I think my reason for coming in late is I just hate coming into this atmosphere. I hate looking over my shoulder, it is mentally taxing. I can’t thing because there is constant noise. You can’t find a moment to breath, and people occupy the quiet rooms as if they are their own cubicles.

I have a talk with my boss tomorrow about all of this, the fact that I fell marginalized in the group, the ugly underbelly that he isn’t really shown, but I doubt it will go well.

I feel like I will be looking for something new soon. Until then, I will take the time to build my skills and find a situation that fits me. One that I like… Until then, I guess it is time to build career capital as Cal Newport(http://calnewport.com/) says.

3 Things Done
Water Done
Todo Done
Wrapup Done
16/8 Done.

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Todo List Completed

I wrote my wrap up paper last night. In turn, I made my todo list today.

I am very happy about that fact.

I feel like a todo list can keep me honest. I jus thave to get used to doing one, and living with one, every day.

The problem for me in terms of tasks tend to be I forget. As much as I say I can remember, I just plain forget. I feel like I am very smart, and with no shame, I can say people tell me that all the time, but I just realized there is no way to even begin to hold all those thoughts in your mind.

I feel like your mind is a road. Each thought is a car. When you empty the road, and allow cars back on it,all the cars drive very smoothly. So if there are three cars on the road, everything has enough space to sort of move along.

When you try to keep everything up there, then everything gets constricted. Everything gets tight. Its harder to focus, and you add pressure to yourself. Inevitably things start to slip, and you start having to say your sorry, then you get calloused to the sorry, and then people get calloused to your sorry, and things start to slip.

The highway gets full, and every single car gets angry, they get infused with bad thoughts, and your depression, fear, and stress can take hold and get the best of them.

Last night when I wrote down what I did, my todos for the next day sort of just came tumbling out. It was easy to figure out what my next moves were. I woke up this morning, then placed them in my any.do app.

Now I have a lis tof things, and a system that I can refine. I felt more powerful.

I keep the pad by the bed now. I hope through this, I can make it a part of my night, like writing my three things down. Maybe it’s time to start breaking down my evening – take thirty minutes and just go into the silence to ponder my day.

It felt good. Maybe I can get that in the morning’s, if I can only just get up on time.

I am slipping on the silence at night. I started listening to podcasts again. I am making a note of it now, and hopefully I can go back to silence.

It is a very slippery slope, and it is something I don’t want to go back down into.

I am thinking about waking up early again, and it is something I want. Birds chirping in the morning as I can get some writing done. I feel like I can start my blog writing before work, knock down some rss reading, and just start in at the job with a full mind ready to start blasting at the problems I have here.

I just have to figure out a way to start making that happen.

I hate coming to my dayjob I think. There has to be something here that I want to do in the mornings. Something that makes me want to come in the mornings and get things done.

It is something I have to really thing about. This is becoming a recurring theme, and I feel like my life gets a lot better if I can get this sorted.

My foot feels better.

I think I am about to donate the rest of my clothes. Start over.

Lets see.

3 Things Done
Todo List done
Night List done
Water done
Teeth Done

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Slimming Saturday

Big surprise yesterday

A pair of pants I had fit way better. I was surprised, but only after about a week of the 16/8 thing, my clothes are fitting me better.

I am not even doing the no-carb portion of the deal.

This bodes well for it, getting tangible results. I was looking at a picture of a comedian I had worked with in the past, named Matt Kazam. He was a pretty big guy, and decided to lose weight. He took another way to get it done, as he chose juicing but the results have been undeniable, as he has lost almost 100 pounds in 4 months.

I am really considering that once I get the 16/8 philosophy down. It is almost habit at this point, and with the positive motion, I can see myself going further with it.

I have a dream of being a slimmer guy. I want to be around to experience my grand kids, and not being overweight. It would be a great feeling.

I would love to shop in normal stores again, and get normal sizes, and all that good stuff. Being a big dude in my life has resulted in me having to go online or to another part of the store, and hoping that they had it in my size. It sucked, quite simply. That is part of my motivation too, getting there.

I don’t want to be the fat kid forever.I want to give my personality a break. Ha.

It was painful typing that part, but it initiated my zone for a second. And I think that’s all i want. I just want to write the truth. Get into my feelings a little bit. the more I meander, the more I sort of dawdle on the page, and the words sort of sit there.

I was reading Anne Lamont and in the book Bird by Bird, she talks about letting the kid come out in your writing, and I think that’s what it is. For me, maybe my kids lock is honesty and pain, and from there, I can write a thousand words an hour to get to the actual truth.
I feel like it is coming.

I did over 30 minutes of material on stage yesterday, and it felt good. It is a slow reminder that I actually have jokes, and I can hang for a long period of time. Not only that, I did it in a room of comics, and I had their attention. No one went to their phones, or walked out, or went to go take a quick glance of their notes, I was ale to just run.

I really felt like a comic yesterday, even if it was in a basement with 4 other comics and two audience members. I felt like there was some room to grow there, and become someone who can actually matter int his show business thing.

With that said, I still need to focus on getting that dynamite five minutes. If I can do that, I feel like the rest will fall into place. The long sets are for personality, but the shorter sets are for writing.

As Alonzo said, you don’t have a lot of time up there to let them get to know you, so o better kill and kill hard. It is that time to show the bookers and the managers of the club that you are worth investing in your personality. If you can clean it up that way, then you can build out from there and get the great 15 and then the great feature set.

That open mic in the basement helps though. Gotta thank Tino for giving that space for me to grow.

16/8 done
Water Drunk
3 Things Written
Plotting Not Done
Shower Done
Sunday Organizing Done.

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