Tag: life

Categories
Blog Post

Listen To Yourself

Vantage Points

Sometimes your body is screaming for attention.

There are many reasons why we feel unsettled.

We can’t deny these things, even though sometimes we try our hardest.

It’s best to deal with it the first time. When you deal with an emotion immediately, there is far less chance of lashing out and pushing that energy elsewhere.

We can try to ignore it.

The best thing that comes from ignoring ourselves is a temporary respite. This moment of “bliss” comes with a cost. There is nothing free, and the penalty for shoving things down often is worse than dealing with the emotion in the first place.

Take the time to take care of yourself, because this stuff does not go away.

When we try to hold them down, we end up holding ourselves back.

 

Categories
Blog Post

Add Context, Big Impact

Adding some context makes us feel better

Take a look at these two sentences:

  • Go to the store and get some milk.
  • Go to the store and get some milk, I’m working on my taxes.

Which one feels better?

The ask is the same, yet, the second option seems better. It seems like the person asking isn’t just asking to ask; there is a reason. As a result, I feel there is some respect for my time.

And, I bet you feel the same way too.

That isn’t just your intuition; rather, there is science behind it.

A Harvard study found that adding a reason to a request makes compliance more likely. This behavior happens with every ask, and as a result, it is in your best interest to always add context.

The next time you make an offer, take the time to add an idea and some context.  As a result, more of the things you ask for will happen, and you’ll have a greater impact.

 

Categories
Blog Post

Supercharge with Forcing Functions

Forcing Functions Push You Further

I’m not a betting man, but I bet parachutes aren’t on your mind.

In fact, I’m sure that you haven’t thought about parachutes in a long time. I am betting that you are like me in a sense that you don’t ever think about parachutes.

Well, rarely.

The only time I think about parachutes is when I am on a plane.

You know what would make me obsess about parachutes?

If I jumped out a place.

That is a forcing function.

A forcing function is a tool that forces a decision some kind. And they are powerful.

They don’t have to get to life or death though for effectiveness.

Let’s bring the camera in a little more to something that isn’t so extreme; your alarm clock.

Alarm clocks force you to decide as they go off. It isn’t a life or death decision (most days), but it is useful in making you decide.

You might select snooze, but you do decide.

There are frameworks like the LEAN Framework that build on this concept to help people do amazing things.

I want to make things even simpler.

There are two tools that you can build into your starting small toolkit that will push you further. They both work with reminders and deal with uncomfortability.

Exercise:

Forcing Deadlines:

For your idea, select a date for you to do something public with what you learn. (Reminder)

When you decide the time, tell your friend that remembers EVERYTHING (we all have one, it was the person you didn’t want to tell when you read “tell”). (Forcing Function)

ex. I want to learn how to write HTML, I promise to make a website for my photos by November, I am going to tell Bobby along with the date.

Forcing showing your work:

When you work on something, use a Porodomo timer. (Reminder)

During the “long break,” snap a picture of what you are doing and put it on Social Media. Start an anonymous Twitter handle if you worry about identity. (Forcing Function)

 

Categories
Blog Post

You Can’t Run From Problems (or Fight…or Ignore…)

Fight or flight only stops you from finding solutions that work.

Quicksand scares me.

What is quicksand? Quicksand is loose, wet sand that yields easily to pressure and sucks in anything rests on it.

At first, you don’t notice, the quicksand drags your feet. You ignore it.

You’re trapped. 

There is nowhere to go. You’re stuck.

  • Running won’t get you out.In fact, running makes it worse.
  • You can’t ignore it anymore; ignoring got you in this mess. 
  • Fighting the facts won’t change the situation.

Sound familiar? It’s the same structure as most of our problems.

You don’t notice a problem at first. Then it nips at your heels. You ignore, run away or fight it.

Like quicksand, all of those things make the problem worse.

The solution to quicksand, like that of solving problems, is to understand your environment. Tactics, such as breathing, help slow you down. It allows you to take in more information. Information helps you craft solutions that matter.

Breathing allows you to take in more information. Information helps you craft solutions that matter.

If you allow yourself to default into fight or flight, you stop the flow of information and drastically drop the amount information you receive. That means your solution, if you get to one, isn’t ideal.

If you are wondering about the solution for quicksand, it’s simple.

Float.

Simple, right?

How many problems in your life are solvable by a simple solution?

You won’t know unless you slow down and face things as you see them.

Categories
Blog Post

Let People Know

Hiding thoughts

Getting away from the world at the first sign of danger can give temporary peace of mind. You’ve avoided conflict, so that’s a win in most people’s eyes.

Except you haven’t avoided anything.

Hiding thoughts only delay the inevitable. Either the conflict resurfaces with that person later or one arises in one’s self.

Talking through your issues,with tact upfront, avoids that feeling.

Honesty is the best policy.

Categories
Blog Post

Can I Get Your Attention, Please!

Attention matters.

Your attention is one of the greatest gifts you have.  Your attention is the key to the depth you get out of the time you spend.

If time was a car, your attention is the gasoline.

Your car can run on regular, and most cars do.

However, if you consider your car high-end (and you should since time is the only thing you can’t get back) it suffers when you use regular gasoline. You would get so much more out of your car(time) if you used the best fuel(attention).

Whenever you are focusing, consider each text, IM, email etc.  lowering the quality of attention (gas) to your time (car).

It’s important because that understanding will take you where you want to go.

All of our cars eventually break down.

Categories
Blog Post

When It Rains, It Pours…

“Flooding” is bad for your health and sanity.

In the book “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well”, the authors describe “flooding” as the psychological event that multiplies the impact of a negative feeling. For example, “flooding” is when you find that the printer isn’t working and somehow that feeling becomes everyone here at the office hates me.

Yes, I’ve seen that example happen. It also may have been me.

When I notice the oncoming “flood” happening there are three things that help me get out of it.

  • Breathe – watch your breath, let things settle. Exercise is good here too.
  • Get context – Write out everything that is happening to you and read it back. The printer broke, not you.
  • Get thankful – The fact that you zipped up your pants before you left the house? That’s a win.

Floods are going to happen based on your disposition. I know a lot of creatives are on the “open” side of that scale, meaning we tend to “flood” more often. It’s OK when it happens, it’s human, but the key is to not stay there. 

Categories
Blog Post

Nothing To Say – I Bet You Do

What happens when we have nothing to say?

What happens?

Does the world stop?

Do we stop?

Do we cease to exist?

I’ll stop the dramatics here because I think we always have something to say. We all have a point of view.  So that isn’t the problem. We always have something to say, so there is no need to worry, the world won’t stop any time soon. Asking if you have nothing to say  is the wrong question.

The right questions are:

Is it the right time to say this?

Timing matters. Don’t bring up your hangover story at the conference lunch, that is more of a cocktail hour conversation (and after a few pops there at that). Timing brings along a wealth of context with what we say. Nothing exists in a vacuum, especially our words.  This is the question you ponder before you begin a dialogue, and one you question often.  The answer lies in listening to the conversation and putting in your fair share. Someone who has contributed a lot to the conversation can have misstep or two. It is counter-intuitive, but by adding value to a conversation, you can trip up a time or two without being exiled.

 I’ve worked on listening, and it has improved my timing, stumbles and all. 

Do I have the right to say this?

Fear and ego are the gatekeepers here since usually this is our brains doing mental gymnastics. If you feel uncomfortable in any way during the conversation, this internal question comes up often.

This one is a lot more tricky than the first question because there are a ton more variables. The timing question is about a conversation already at hand, while this question asks if you have any right to join or stay.

My favorite way of fighting this question is to have something valuable already at hand.  

 

 

Categories
Blog Post

You Feel How You Feel – So Do They

feel

Listening is critical to get to feel.

Not just to hear what the other person is saying audibly, but how that other person is feeling. Learning how to deal with Emotional Intelligence isn’t just a nice to have, but a need if you really want to get to know people.  It builds trust in relationships, and that is critical when you want things to go deeper than the surface. You feel how you feel, and conversation bares it out.

The other side of that honesty is that emotions now feel like they have a better place to release.

I think most of us get confused about emotions because when we see them from other people, it comes form a place of exhaustion. The great thing about being in a place of trust is that those emotions are coming out to let you, the listener, get a 360 view of how the other person feels.

Don’t make this mistake.

No matter how you hear it – it is not your place to decide if its right or wrong. The minute you cross that line, you lose the trust and now superficiality comes right back. The key is not to get defensive, even if it’s about you, and just listen.

The last thing you want is people closing up. If that happens, that energy sticks around, and it just becomes resentment.

Recognize it takes courage.

Know that the idea of showing how you feel is scary, and ultimately leaves you vulnerable. The best move, as someone listening, is to just sit and understand. The emotions at play let you in on a deeper truth, and ultimately give way to a better relationship.

Judging people might feel good in the moment, but ultimately, the things you feel for others end up landing back on you. This holds true even more if this is a relationship, business or personal, that is important.  It’s not up to you to decide if its right or wrong. It’s just up to you to listen.

 

 

Categories
Blog Post

Trapped By The Old Opinions

 

I was talking to a friend about someone they knew, and how that person let a past transgression from 10 years ago effect their behavior to this day.

Life throws us trouble. It isn’t fair. But, when we take the ideas of the past and hold on to them unjustly, we end up troubled. The anger we have for someone else, or a situation doesn’t end up effecting them, it ends up effecting us. That hate gets turned in.

Our anger for others ends up only effecting us. That’s why I like to journal. The journaling gives me a chance to look at old opinions.Old opinions are great to look at.  They give you the chance to look back at the past, and notice the changes you’ve made.

We are constantly growing as people. The old carries some weight, but only the amount of weight that we allow it to. Acknowledging that you change is the first step to doing it, and a great way to do that is to periodically look back at those old opinions and see how you’ve developed over the course of a year.

I spent some time looking at old posts on this blog and some older journals. I had some shocking and surprising positions. It was interesting to go back down “memory lane” and remember some of my older feelings.

After reading a few, I thought about how change happens, and how we are always evolving. The person in those posts and notes is gone, lost to the history on those pages. The person here recalling them is a different person, with different goals and accomplishments.

We don’t wake up the same person we were when we went to sleep. We change everyday, and if we don’t acknowledge that, we stay trapped by the past. Acknowledge that we are constantly growing helps you leave pain where it belongs.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started