“There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars.” — Mark Twain
I have an intense fear of speaking to people. I am really good at catastrophizing and in my head, the conversation ends with me being thrown out of the building. I know if I sit in my chair, stand in the corner, or just stare aloof into space the moment will pass, and soon whatever is happening can take my attention again. The danger will end, and I will be able to go home and sleep, never bothered by life.
The only problem with that scenario is none of it is true. There is a good – alright – great chance I’m not thrown (or escorted if I am being nice to myself) out the building. When I am in a place that long, chances are that the people
a) Are like-minded people who are trying to carry out the same goals I have
b) People who have achieved something I admire.
Both present a learning opportunity for my personal development.
If I sit in my chair, I will do nothing but have more mounting anxiety. When I start sitting there, all I can remember is the how I want to talk to people, and not far behind that, the self beatings begin. It kicks my impostor syndrome into overdrive, and I speed , express, into confusion on why I can’t connect. That in turn spurs me into sitting for more time, looking at the sun, until I remember I have a cell phone in my pocket that should have some decent battery life. Hello random “whats going on” texts , goodbye being present.
When I get home, I won’t sleep. I sit up and wonder what if – what if I made that connection or said hello. My acting teacher says you get constipation when you don’t express yourself, and that’s what I sit with, feeling like I missed out.
So, I am trying to deal with the nerves – seems like a far better alternative.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 