peace – From the desk of Adam Thomas

So, you’ve kept your ego safe, what are the consequences of being defensive?

Since you didn’t hear the other person, now they generally get more defensive. Whatever discussion that happened between both parties is over, and the point is lost. What replaces the point is more yelling and screaming, because when we don’t feel heard, we just get louder. It stops being about the truth, it’s about being right.

That bitter peace feeds into resentment. Resentment is difficult to face because it hides well and shadows every move a person makes. That resentment feeds other things, such as anger and depression, which eventually leak out. The result isn’t good. I’ve held in resentment for a long time,and hurt innocent people with it. That just leaves me with regret.

Alright, so my relationship with the other person gets damaged, I get to be alright!

Not so fast. Putting up armor to defend yourself keeps bad stuff out, but it also doesn’t discriminate against the good. Nothing gets to you, and that energy sticks with you. Instead of moving on, you end up resenting things about the fight. This is when you start thinking about good lines, and things that could have said.

So now there is resentment in the moment. That turns into misery. As much as you think that closing up makes you better, now you’re trapped.

We can’t help getting defensive, but its possible to pay attention to it. Instead of fighting it, listen to your defensiveness. Something around you is hitting on a truth you believe but don’t want to accept.

Stop the discussion and talk about that if you are with people you trust. If you aren’t, take note of it, and try to breathe. Get present.

[bctt tweet=”At one point that would scare me, now it gives me calm when I get impatient. “]

Inner peace makes my stomach hurt. The idea of inner peace is lovely. For me, it’s the ability to reconcile any and every external and internal idea. It would signal a lot more peaceful nights and active days. But when I think about it, it brings me a lot of turmoil.

It starts with the future.

I look at the work in front of me and feel awful for not starting sooner. Looking at the pile feels like Mount Everest. Tallying up the external and internal future work is scary. What about the things ahead that I can’t account for? What happens when I get screwed?

Then I go backward.

I look back at the past and feel awful for the things I done.I’ve hurt people, I’ve done wrong, and I left people feeling awful. I think we’ve all done it, but that is never an excuse. I know I will want to do it again. Revenge always feels good in the moment.Getting the best of someone makes me feel alive – for the moment. Then I feel awful and start feeling sad.

After dealing with both, I try to reconcile that the present has nothing to do with either. Being present is the hardest because both the future and past tug at you, waiting to grab your energy and attention. Its standing between two people playing tug of war, just hoping they equal out for a moment’s peace.

So, the thought makes my stomach hurt. But that’s progress, I think. Recognizing the work ahead is the first step in getting something done.

I am currently rereading Prometheus Rising – and one thing I missed (embarrassingly) is that the exercises that Robert Anton Wilson suggest take years to complete, not weeks. Inner peace, or any semblance of it, isn’t present in the time it takes to read a book, but only through application, and these days dealing with the tug of war, will I even come close.

At one point that would scare me, now it gives me calm when I get impatient.

Maybe its closer to inner peace?