One of the secrets to using your time effectively is being ready and willing to ask this question as often as you can.
Don’t fall for the ego trap either. When someone asks that of you, the question isn’t an attack. Time is worth fighting for and is valuable.
Don’t make the mistake of taking it personally.
Time doesn’t have time for ego.
There is a mistake most of us make when talking about questions.
We think of simple questions as “dumb.” This thought process is a major mistake.
There is a great value to someone who asks the simple questions. Simple questions aren’t “dumb.”
There is beauty in pure simplicity. Simple questions are clear and as a result, those questions make sure everyone is on the same page.
It also helps everyone in the room.
Simple questions open the world around us. They create change and show a gold mine of value when we revisit them.
The primary education system in the United States sucks.
When you head to school:
This behavior reinforces itself throughout your time there. Once a child reaches a certain age, the students take over the reinforcement. It’s important to “fit in.” This behavior leaves everyone with a sense of cognitive dissonance, even the popular kids.
The entire class is looking; I’d better get this right.
They reinforce the “raise your hand” and “shut up and don’t stand out” method of control. The system teaches you not to ask questions, just the “right” ones. It intellectually slows us down.
It’s like driving in the slow lane and not realizing a simple lane shift makes you faster.
This programming follows us from college to the first “adult” job. This programming “kicks in” during a meeting, where no one has to tell you not to talk. Ditto the “open door policy” most places say they have.
This programming is dangerous. It stunts our intellectual growth and, even worse, makes us fear a powerful tool that helps us to leverage. That tool is asking questions.
Note: If you wonder about the title – may I introduce you to classic black cinema from a master director, Spike Lee?
What is a long no? Instead of being upfront and saying “no,” (short) you delay the inevitable by using half answers or “maybe,” (long).
Say you want to find a gym, and you have a buddy that wants to refer you to his favorite one. You know the gym is out of the way for you and doesn’t have a heavy bag (you want to work out some frustration!). Instead of saying no, “This gym doesn’t suit me,” you tell him “Let me get back to you” or “I’ll keep it in mind.”
And now you deal with that decision until he forgets or you can tell him you found it (or lie about it).
It’s wasted energy.
A short “no” short circuits al of that and allows either party to reframe into something that matters.
He might know something that fits your specifications if you ask.
Questions like:
These are “selfish” questions and are great if you feel stuck. As much as they focus on you, they allow one clarity to start working on the right things.
I rarely ever do this, and it causes me trouble. On customer service calls, I just start talking, saying what I need and my problems. I think I am making progress until I realize she can’t do anything until she has my name and some sort of number that she needs to even start the ticket. For all the progress I thought I made, I haven’t made any. I am back at the start of the conversation waiting for her to enter my name, and I’ve wasted time on something that was easily avoidable.
I hardly learn my lesson, because on the next call, I am starting to rush through the call again, wasting both my and the operator’s time.
I didn’t consider the other person’s issues, problems, or concerns, I started with just my own. I wasn’t listening, I was directing. Instead of getting my thought across, I obstructed myself, all in the name of progress that cannot happen. If I start with a question, I would see what is necessary first, and then go from there. It gives me some ground to work. I am able to see without too much pressure. There is also pressure lifted off the person on the other end because they can’t direct, they have to listen first, and it leads me to talking, and this useless dance continues. If I asked a question upfront, it breaks this cycle because I learn what’s necessary first then I can talk.
This doesn’t just apply for trouble with my cell phone data, this applies to everything. When was the last time you opened conversation with questions, and what did you get out of it? How about continuing conversation with questions? Most conversations start on uneven footing, and continue to go in different directions because people assume they are making progress and they aren’t.
Yesterday I went over some byproducts of professionalism, but not professionalism itself. I did that because I am a huge fan of subtraction. Getting rid of the stuff around you is a great way to increase focus, and by focusing on what professionalism isn’t is a chance to increase the focus.
So, once you’ve read that post, take on this one.
The great thing about adding things with focus is that you can experiment. I’ve seen professionals in a lot of disciplines, and a lot of their habits are different. Since I have that experience, this is by no means an exhaustive list. There are just too many things I see professionals do. With that said, I consistently see these three behaviors.
Rituals – Rituals get professionals in a mood to work. The great thing about rituals is that they are anything you want. Maya Angelou famously got a hotel room to sit in and work. Twyla Tharp gets a cab every morning to work out. George Gershwin wouldn’t take off his pajamas when he sat to compose. Rituals work – because they get you to execute without expending precious willpower. [Read this: Daily Rituals: How Artists Work]
Questions – Professionals question as often as they need. Questions bring understanding, allowing the professional to see boundaries. If you take what someone gives you without investigation and you allow fear to creep in and take over your decision-making (by not asking questions) then it’s the opposite of professional. [Read this: A More Beautiful Question: The Power of Inquiry to Spark Breakthrough Ideas]
Respect – Professionals use respect to build relationships. Respect people’s trust, time, and energy. Saying thanking, having gratitude, keeping negative energy away, and most importantly, listening all give professionals the chance to keep the people around him feeling and working well. [Read this: Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone]
I’ve had trouble with all three of those behaviors throughout my life. I am striving to add more professionalism in my life daily. They aren’t easy to maintain, especially when trouble strikes. I’ve noticed, though, if I follow those three things, I get through troubling situations with much less headache. To keep them up, through, I have to stay vigilant and recognize that when they do fall apart, how can I get back on and get back to work.
The great thing is, this isn’t an exhaustive list. Some professionals are big on calendars, some are big on assistants, some need to run every day, and some need to get some Call of Duty gaming time in. There are a ton of behaviors that make professionals tick. That gives you a wide berth to try things out, understand your own ticks, and build on this list to make your own professional chart.
But, there is no better place to start than the list above. If you want to become truly professional start here.
Part of me gets intrigued when someone goes deeper.
Another more cynical part of me hopes the person can’t answer.
Another part of me gets scared that I pushed them too far.
I think all three parts create the balance in conversation, and more specifically, in follow-up questions.
Asking questions is a skill, one that takes time to develop. Each time I get the opportunity to ask a follow-up question, I get a chance to work on it. It’s a small window that lets me test how I ask questions. It is usually successful, because people love to talk about themselves.
There is also a chance that the conversation takes a turn I didn’t expect. I love these moments, because they increase my knowledge base and add some fun to any conversation. Those unforeseen turns make dinner conversation exciting.
I’ve learned that follow-up questions lead to interesting answers. In some cases, they lead to no answer at all. My inner cynic is waiting for that moment, to confirm his main thought, that “no one knows anything.”
There is a purpose for this, though: The most deft in conversation use that inner cynic to know when to move on, and not to press. If I don’t let it go, it presses me towards the third part of this post.
Fear is everywhere. I have a ton of fear in conversations, but when it concerns follow-up questions, sometimes I hold back because I don’t want to go too far. When someone loves what they talk about, they love nothing more than a follow-up question. However, if someone doesn’t know, is posturing, or is having a slow night then there is nothing more terrifying than the follow-up question.
The cynic pushes me here sometimes, and I often regret it. Nobody wins, so watch the ego.
Even with the fear of exposing yourself, conversation gets better, generally, with follow-up questions. They give you a chance to get to know the people around you, continue conversations, and dance with some internal daemons*. When it comes to conversation and building relationships, do more, not less.
*Not demons 😉
I think everyone knows what I know. When someone talks, I assume that they have more information than me, and it can cripple me in conversation. I spend time trying to think of something else, and sometimes this means I am 7 steps down a road of conversation that no one wanted to join me on. They have moved on, and I am still stuck thinking about the last topic.
It sucks.
Especially when I know that relationships are critical, and how I communicate ultimately determines how much impact I have.
One thing I’ve realized through writing this blog, and connecting with the newsletter, is that my problems are not unique. I am betting that this affects another person who reads this. If so, I would love to share the exercises I do to fight this feeling.
Every week I do a video blog (of VLOG). This week I talked about Questions.
When I started this, I was very scared of putting myself on video, so I got the courage and put myself in the arena, killing a lot of bad self talk.This gives me the chance to work on my communication skills, start a new medium, and experiment!
Once a week, after I have thought about them, I will give them a day here on the blog.
These aren’t just promotion posts (although they are, please watch and share 
) I want to take the time to break them down and try to clarify what I want to communicate and the tactical things I learned through doing.
If you enjoyed the video, and if you want to get on the ride, please,subscribe to the YouTube channel, and join the Facebook page where they post every Sunday night.
Questions are the backbone of gaining knowledge. There is a real art to being a better questioner and being better at answering them. There is an art to both, and this week I give a few tips into the world.
If you enjoyed the video, and if you want to get on the ride, please, subscribe to the YouTube Channel, and join the Facebook page where they post every Sunday night.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 