Tag: reactive

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“Say What You Mean” Might Not Mean What You Think

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There is freedom in clarity, so take opportunities to make it

At the moment, sometimes it’s hard to say what you mean.

Think about the last time you talked to a coworker, spouse, or friend and the phrase “say what you mean” hopped into the conversation.

Did that make things clearer or did you come up with something based on the moment that would satisfy the people engaged with you?

I am betting on the latter.

We have complicated brains. Sometimes they work too fast for our good. A phrase like “say what you mean” can get us to focus on all the stimuli at the moment and concoct a response.

We then hold that response to the truth, even if it was just fleeting and in the moment.

It makes things complicated and in response to the phrase “say what you mean,” we often do the opposite.

It’s hard to break that programming – to say something unclear – because our lizard brain likes to play fight or flight.

Don’t React.

When you can, take a step back, and restate the points in the conversation.

Exercise:

When you hear “Say what you mean:”

  • Ask the other person what they are perceiving
  • Listen to how they understand the conversation
    • Don’t fight it or fix while they explain
  • When you hear it all, paraphrase what they said back to them, so they feel heard
  • Fix the gaps with this “I didn’t mean ‘X‘ when I said ‘Y,’ My intention was ‘Z.'”
    • I didn’t say that you were awful when I stated that you didn’t bring call, my intention was to let you know I care about those things.

“Say what you mean” is a trigger .Take a break when you hear it. Give both sides the opportunity to catch up.

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Don’t Rush – Box Breathe and Chill :-)

How do you get out the bed?

Your technique matters:

  • When you leap, you are on a one-track, emotionally led mindset. When you jump out of bed on Christmas morning or race to catch your international flight, the energy behind them is the same. It’s frantic, and you miss everything except your objective (oooh presents…)
  • When you slither, you are groggy, and you meander. You spend a lot of time trying to orient yourself. Your mind isn’t healthy yet. You hope you don’t crash into anything on your way to the bathroom. It’s not fun, and potentially painful (ouch!)
  • When you do so calmly, you are alert. You smoothly get out of bed as you stretch, check the clock, and yawn. You feel like you have a choice.  This form of waking up is ideal. (Yay!)
The first two ways of getting up are reactive states, either by prompt or circumstance.
The last way is a proactive state, where you have the energy to decide and the head space to think through it.
This mindset doesn’t just affect getting up, but everything we do.  Sometimes the other two states are necessary, but only in emergencies. In life, being proactive is better.

Exercise

  1. Think about the act of what you are doing, is it reactive or proactive?
  2. If it’s reactive, ask yourself, do you have to be?
  3. If it doesn’t have to stop for a second breathe deeply for 4 seconds in, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 seconds (if you are curious – this is box breathing, and it’s a Navy Seal technique).
  4. Reassess and get proactive 🙂
 Every once in a while, just ask yourself if you are reactive. If you are, this exercise gets you back into that working space.
Drive slow, homie :-).
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Time to Dismiss the Default of Reactive

Reactive isn’t memorable.

We all have 24 hours in a day. There isn’t anyone who has 23 or 25. You can’t “save” time. You only spend it.

Time’s consistency combined with its scarcity is a major reason it’s the most valuable resource we have.

Our default state is to react to time:

  • Wait for an email to tell me what to do
  • Get that text to show us who to talk to
  • Find “fires” so we can feel effective

All of these things are reactive. None of those instances create memories. You won’t tell people at the bar later about that email that started you on a project. It isn’t a life that is memorable. When someone asks about what you were doing, all you say is you were “busy.”

When one is reactive, they rely on the word busy. Busy is a buzzword designed to protect your ego. When you say your busy, you don’t have to think about why you decided to do something.  You take away your personal responsibility.

At the end of the day, would you rather be busy or memorable?

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Reactive

I don’t believe in tit for tat.

It’s reactive. The behavior usually comes from a belief that something is “owed.” If you didn’t initiate the issue, it’s time to return fire.

Reactive behavior creates a cycle, because if both people are reactive, there is no resolution, only tallying.  

If you give me something, and I don’t give the same amount in return, the tally is on.

The tallying doesn’t stop with that conversation. It combines with the tally you’ve had in your head all day, and then you shift that over to the next person, and the game continues ad infinitum. Those original problems get buried so deeply that you forget them, but the feelings and tallying stay and affect everything.

Eventually, nothing is what it seems.

Have you ever seen someone screaming at the printer in your office? It’s never the printer…

 

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Choice, Notifications, And PUT THE CELL PHONE AWAY!

choice

I hate notifications

I am like a dog. Whenever notifications come on my phone, I turn my head and get obsessed with everything about the phone. At first, it starts with whatever that notification is about, then check email, then Twitter, then Facebook, and and and… several minutes go by.

Each decision you make leaves a few decisions on the table. By looking at my phone, I decided not to connect with someone I am talking with, losing concentration on one of these posts, some meditation, or anything else that doesn’t have to do with my phone.

It’s why I cut off the notifications to my phone, but the break in period for me is always a rough one.

There is always a choice

In everything we do, there is always a choice. Our emotions may lie to us, tell us we have to react to any and everything that happens to us, but that puts us in a severe disadvantage. We get as deluded as we want to, especially when it comes to this. I’ve seen people throw away million dollar opportunities to get loyal to things they didn’t need to especially if it’s a reaction.

We lose ourselves, in the motion or the energy of change, that we end up losing ourselves in reaction.

Get proactive.

We aren’t robots. Choice isn’t something that just happens, we all have that ability, we just need to cultivate it.

 

A great way to explore is with your cell phone. Try to turn it off for an hour. Leave it in a dresser, and just walk away.  When this gets normal, try it for two, then three, then a day etc.

This builds up the proactive tolerance, avoiding the problems that come with looking for something to happen. Its hard at first, but step away long enough, you eventually find life much more satisfying, just because you got proactive with your attention.

It’s a small start, but that’s the best way to do it.

Proactive example:

A great example is Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring.While everyone is trying to go for the knockout blow and reacting, Floyd is rolling his shoulders and jabbing.  He creates this tension, and gets the fight to come to him. 

 

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