Being defensive means you already made up what happened in your head and you don’t want to hear another one. What happened becomes set by ego, not circumstance, and instead of understanding you have a bitter peace when the conflict stops.
So, you’ve kept your ego safe, what are the consequences of being defensive?
Since you didn’t hear the other person, now they generally get more defensive. Whatever discussion that happened between both parties is over, and the point is lost. What replaces the point is more yelling and screaming, because when we don’t feel heard, we just get louder. It stops being about the truth, it’s about being right.
That bitter peace feeds into resentment. Resentment is difficult to face because it hides well and shadows every move a person makes. That resentment feeds other things, such as anger and depression, which eventually leak out. The result isn’t good. I’ve held in resentment for a long time,and hurt innocent people with it. That just leaves me with regret.
Alright, so my relationship with the other person gets damaged, I get to be alright!
Not so fast. Putting up armor to defend yourself keeps bad stuff out, but it also doesn’t discriminate against the good. Nothing gets to you, and that energy sticks with you. Instead of moving on, you end up resenting things about the fight. This is when you start thinking about good lines, and things that could have said.
So now there is resentment in the moment. That turns into misery. As much as you think that closing up makes you better, now you’re trapped.
We can’t help getting defensive, but its possible to pay attention to it. Instead of fighting it, listen to your defensiveness. Something around you is hitting on a truth you believe but don’t want to accept.
Stop the discussion and talk about that if you are with people you trust. If you aren’t, take note of it, and try to breathe. Get present.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 