I’ve never felt proud of not “showing up,” and I doubt you have either. You create regret. Regret is a “shame engine,” an act that generates shame. The thing about a shame engine is that while it feels like a terrible burden, secretly you love it.
It completes a narrative.
The thing is, there is no story to end.
The result of shame isn’t us “acting better,” it is us acting worse. There is nothing good that comes of it.
Since we are shameful, anyone else that hangs around us must be a disgrace as well. As a result, shame just damages all of our relationships.
Don’t succumb to making a shame engine; destroying our relationships is a form of hiding.
This isn’t an accident. Being a professional doesn’t come by luck or happenstance, it comes from deliberate action. Deliberate action is difficult, because it comes at a cost of comfort and space.
I love being around professionals. There are some great byproducts that come from it, like getting better results, having an impressive group of friends, or being well liked by powerful people through getting to know them. All of this is well and good, but they don’t make you one.
Here are a few things professionalism isn’t
Results-based – Just because I get to a million dollars* doesn’t mean I am successful. I made this first because results are the most visible. If I see a millionaire I, and the world I project, will most likely see him as professional. This is wrong. The key distinction here is that successful doesn’t mean professional, because luck plays a role in results, but not professionalism.
Friends-based – Powerful friends don’t make you a professional. I can’t call someone to improve my professionalism. Being around professionals helps, lets me see the model, but there is no such thing as professional osmosis. The key distinction here is that being seen around professionals or hanging around professionals doesn’t make me a professional.
Magic-based – You don’t just wake up one. There is no knighting ceremony or ritual. There is no time need. There is no pumpkin turning into a horse-drawn chariot. The key distinction here is that no one can make me a professional. No one casts “a spell” and creates “a professional.”
Don’t confuse the byproduct with the product
It is far more comfortable to leave it alone and just hang out with the byproducts, or stick around the same conferences, or buying things that will “transform” you. Becoming a professional is tough. It gets confusing. It is often a scary process, filled with dark nights and wondering if it’s worth it. If you do want it though, you should put your effort into the work.
Note: Tomorrow I will get into what professionalism is.
When I was a kid, I was very shy. I spent most of my life being scared to express my ideas unless I thought it was absolutely necessary.I only talked if I had to and knew the answer. Silence was the easy way out, because it allowed me to hide. That shyness came from fear, and an assumption that everyone I met knew as much or more than I did. I thought I wouldn’t add anything to the conversation. My insecurity kept me from investing everything I had.
I didn’t realize it when, but I did myself a severe disservice. I didn’t understand that talking through ideas is one of the best ways of understanding if I knew them. I had to talk to see if I had it, and I had to trust the people around me would help if I didn’t get it right.
The talk principle
You have to have trust to start real dialogue.
If you know something, you know how to say it, and to borrow from Richard Feynman, say it in your own words. What better way to do that then through talking to people?
This is pretty tough because in most situations we are in, it is easy to shrink and hide. If we soak it up, sit in the back, and avoid the discussion, we get to walk out unscathed and fight another day. This is a double-edged sword, because since it is so effective, it gets easier to hide in future meetings. You create a cycle of comfort, hiding until you are absolutely certain you can’t lose. By waiting until we get it right, we miss opportunities to get to the point of understanding.
It is difficult, too because to feel comfortable, you have to trust people enough that they won’t leave you hanging out there.
Talking out ideas makes us stronger
The difference between understanding and ‘thinking you understand’ is huge. That gap remains large if you don’t talk about what you know to other people. Through talking, you get a chance to build understanding and catch up on ideas you thought you knew.
There aren’t any frills that come with this post, because I am still figuring these things out. They will take time, and eventually I will say much more about them.
Programming is real.
Time is precious.
Relationships are critical.
I will expand on these things with posts, and if I don’t please remind me, because I think they are critical ideas.
As I said earlier though, the rust is wearing off, and it feels different. Not good, not bad, but different.
From the desk of Adam Thomas 