[bctt tweet=”Stupid ends the conversation and allows us to toss that person into the trash the metaphorical trash and move on without thought.”]
Let’s think about the words “should” and “could”. I think they are at war with each other, and internally, affects everything – especially how we see the world.
When I experience anguish, I used to think it was just putting my thoughts on someone elses actions. What I am realizing, slowly, is that anguish comes when you put anyones expectation on your actions. That includes your own and it stops you from loving yourself.
Now, loving yourself is hard. One of tenants of loving yourself includes self-forgiveness. It is hard to forgive anyone, including yourself, when you place expectation on anything.
Changing the way I think about any of this is difficult. When I think of the past, I use the word “should” often.
Why is this dangerous?
Let’s take a look at the word. When I say should, I dive right into expectation. “Should” exists as a bridge. “They should have known to take the stairs” means I expected they knew to take the stairs and didn’t. I take an action and make it a personal attack.
That personal attack turns into stupid quickly. Stupid ends the conversation. That label allows us to toss the idea and person into the trash the metaphorical trash and move on without thought.
[bctt tweet=”Anguish comes when you put anyones expectation on your actions. “]
What we think about others often transfers to ourselves, and it does so silently. Toss enough people in that “trashcan” and eventually you end up in that same heap. Language doesn’t discriminate, it controls how we see the world and how we work through it, and that includes you.
The word “could” is different. “Could” opens up the world to some creativity and objectivity. It begins by starting off with curiosity, and leads right to the word “why” (Unless done sarcastically, which turns could into a veiled should). “Why” opens up the world for us to see.
When I sit with a “could”, I start asking questions. Questions lead to understanding.
Questions make self forgiveness easier.
So, each time you engage with someone and things don’t happen as expected, think about the words you are using and then think about communicating so that expectation turns into a promise ( Expectation turns into promise when both sides have agreement)
Examples:
“He should have known about that report being due” think “Could he have known how important that was, did I communicate the importance?”
“She should have been there” – “Could something have come up?”
This is going to take time, and the key is to not beat yourself up. We live in a world of should – we hear it all the time. By changing over to could, not only do you communicate better, you treat yourself better too.
No Cell Update:
I have had no cell phone during the day for 3 days in a row. The insight for the day is how ubiquitous the phone is – we are never too far away from it, and our heads are always down in it. This affects us daily – I noticed someone tweeting while skateboarding yesterday…
From the desk of Adam Thomas 