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Fearful.

I don’t know where I stand in comedy today.

I think I have realized I am lazy.

When thinking about myself in terms of comedy and hanging out I haven’t put the work in being seen. I am doing the work on one hand, getting the sets in, improving my writing, and getting used to time and being comfortable but I am doing all of it in the dark. Everything else, I basically do it whenever it is convenient. And when I do come out it is doing the same shows.

I have to do better in this regard.

I want to ingrain the habit – the habit of being out and about in the city. I believe I have some material, so I think I have to start auditioning and getting myself out there. To put myself out on a limb. I have been scared regarding this, I wonder where it started. I have found myself getting comfortable, and being comfortable blocks process and progress.

To get myself out of this rut I find myself in, I have to figure out a game plan.

To be honest, this hasn’t just started – I have been starting to hang out a little more, shake some hands, add people on FB a little more, and put some more stuff out there, but I have to wonder, am I doing enough? Is this the pace I should be going at? Should I be going a lot harder – staying out until 2 AM if need be everyday until it becomes habit?

Either way, I will find out this summer, when I start auditioning more. I am going to shake some trees where ever I find them. I have to start leaning on old resources for stage time, and opening up old relationships.

Maybe I have been apprehensive this entire time for nothing? Maybe I should relax more. Maybe get the direction I need either way.

Who knows?

I have saxophone lessons coming. Still have to figure out a date, but once its done, I will be starting to play again.

I want to become better at the T principle that Da Vinci was doing. In short, the T Principle is to master one thing, but dip your hands into a bunch of others.

This creates an environment that trains all parts of your brain, and from there all your work increases.

It is because of that, I want to start hitting the saxophone again. I will do lessons once a week for an hour, and then practice for 30 minutes a day if I can, most likely before bed.

I feel like this is going to bring me a little more self discipline and a little more peace as well. I really miss playing music, just the ability to sort of get into a place and let my skill talk for me.

Comedy is fun, writing is fun, but music is a completely different beast. There is a sharpness to it that I love. There is a different reaction to someone that hears it. Its defined within the listener as well as the artist.

I am feeling a little apprehensive about it though. Frankly, it scares me. I am afraid to see where I am still as a player. I know I am in a bad way, because I don’t even remember how I used to read sheet music.

I guess having the teacher here would make that a lot easier. It is a guiding hand to help me get over some of my fears, and the instruction will round me back into shape.

And…

It would be nice to be able to seranade a chick or two as well, I must as admit. 🙂

Enjoy the spring weather.

16/8 done
water not done
no reminder
no task list
3 things done.

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Habit and Tests

Kind of dreary today.

I realized that a lot of my fatigue has to do with dry eyes, more than lack of sleep. I want to force myself to get up earlier, because the symtoms are much the same, and see where I end up. The weekends I will still sleep in, but on the week days, I hope this revelation will be the reason for me getting to work on time, everyday.

I would like to set it up for a 9:45 start time, and a 6:00 finish. That way, no one can say anything, I have worked my hours, and I can feel like no one is watching me anymore.

I would also like to start working out for an hour like Mike does, but that will come later, once I get the funds together to buy a yearly membership and don’t have any worry about how the rest of this will go.

I think once I do that, I can more or less automate my work schedule, which will let me do more projects, that will be clearly defined. Once things are streamlined at work, I can turn a little more of my non-habit energy to my side projects.

The 15th of the month fast approaches, and I think I will be taking the 15th of every month to decide what habits should exist, and what habits shouldn’t. I ought to put this in my calendar as well as habit day.

Reading that book, The Power of Habit [ Charles Duhigg ], made me realize that habits are the key to me generating the productivity in life. When I don’t know what to choose, I also have 52 Changes [ Leo Baubuta ] that I can peruse from to help me make those decisions.

The key here is to build self discipline. If I am to go out on my own and try to develop my own livelihood, I need the discipline to stay on target, finish things, and chase a moving target that is freelance.

This includes picking up and using my productivity apps (such as any.do and my calendar) and emplying the tricks I learned to make them easier (morning when you get up, right before bed) to help me get the basics down.

Once I become a little more settled, I would even like to add mid-afternoon to the list. I already have one habit that I am trying to build there ( Going over Comedy Sets) but there are more that can get done.

As I said earlier, the habits method is for more than just assured productivity and more willpower. It opens up my mind to go for bigger fish when it is time to attack them.

This method leaves my mind empty for when it is time to do battle with the creative problems that a person can face. Writing a manuscript, going over jokes, planning interviews, sculpting code, all of this is what will drive me to excellence, because a lot of the worlds most interesting people consciously or unconsciously use habit to make them interesting.

My roommate wonders if I am afraid of tests. I wonder if I am too. This is something I have to explore. I want to do as many auditions in the city as possible. Let me test my grit and my jokes as properly as possible.

I don’t know how its going to go, but I need to start taking more leaps of faith. I am going to try to say hello to everyone. No matter how they distant they seem to me. Nothing harmful in hello. I also don’t want to try to seem manipulative when I do it, just a handshake and a wave.

A little conversation. Nothing better than that.

3 things done
reminder list done.
todos done
water done
16/8 not done – 12/12 … not good…

Categories
Blog Post

Short Notes PT 2 this week

I kind of don’t want to write today.

Usually if my posts are short, or if they feel rushed, is because they are. My time was short, I was running to a meeting, I was tired, no sleep, something happened where I needed to run.

In other words, there was a reason. Today is Friday, I have a bit of fuzzy brain going on, and I just don’t feel like writing 600 – 750 words on a blog.

I guess my decision here is to keep pushing, or to just falter.

When I put it in such simple terms, then I guess it is easy to just write something short.

I did another 30 minutes of material yesterday. Doing that at Identity bar, and even having a smattering of audience, has allowed me to become more free on stage.

I am starting to realize I can trust myself when I get up there.

I think material comes in two forms. There is structured and unstructured, both are important in putting together a show.

There is something about being able to read an audience, and hit them with something when they are ready for it. When the crowd gets to know you. When you see who they are.

Polished material is great, when the crowd is primed for it.

When you just go into material sometimes, it is like they are being rushed into something. By them I mean the crowd. No one wants to be forced into hearing jokes. I think you are taking them hostage.

A really good comedian doesn’t have to take them hostage to hear the jokes, he knows how to gain their trust, and take them for a ride. That’s the goal. When a comic learns how to distinguish the difference, it allows him more freedom, and from there springs better material.

I feel like I am getting there with Identity. Just working 15 everyday, trusting my track selection, and hitting harder.

3 things done
water
todo done
reminders done
16/8 done

Categories
Blog Post

Praising Failure

I was talking to Phil, my roommate, about Patrice O’Neal this morning.

For those who don’t know, Patrice O’Neal was a stand up comedian who passed away in 2011. He was, in my opinion, one of the best stand up comedians to ever do it, not just in his material, but his candor, his gregariousness, and the honor that he displayed on and off stage.

It is that honor, that truth, that I want to emulate whenever I do anything in life. A lot of people said he was an asshole, and if you read some accounts, it seemed he was, but a lot of that is surface. If you got past it, there was a thoughtful man who really cared about the people he was around.

Even with what he did, there was always truth associated with it. That’s why it stung people so much. For those who could take it, they would have died for him. For those who he hurt, they hated him.

Which brings me back to Phil, we were walking to the train, and discussing comedy, as Patrice was brought up. He was talking to a comedian that had been around a long time, and he asked the comedian who was the biggest jerk to ever work in the club, and to him it was Patrice.

Now this comic isn’t quite good. He hangs around The Comic Strip, he gets up, and he is a bit of an institution there, but when you watch him – you can see it is an olive branch extended by the club, they allow him to work for the loyalty.

Patrice more than likely told him that. It hurt. It festered. And he reminded him of his own failures. He apparently rejoiced in telling a story about Patrice bombing, running over the light, and getting banned.

It made him happy, but even when Phil told me that it was obvious that the comic in question was pained that Patrice was welcomed back even when he pulled a stunt that would have resulted in a lifetime ban.

Truth hurts. Realizing that you are in a class behind, hurts. Learning that the rules are different if you are good enough…hurts. Show business hurts.

It left him bitter. He praised his death.

I hope I never end up like that. I could never be happy at a death of someone, especially if he had a family. I think of that comic, and how much hate he had in his heart for someone who from what I gathered, only remembered him when he was in the same room.

I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want this business to strip my humanity and turn me into someone who gets a kick out of peoples failures.

It is raining, and I was supposed to wear a suit today. Who knew? I have a suit that is ready to go, and I didn’t even bother to think to wear it.

16/8 Completed
3 Good Things.
Todo Done
Reminders Done
Water not

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Blog Post

Anger – Self Discipline

I was angry yesterday, as my boss called me.

He was asking to see if something was broken on a production system. In my line of current work, this means all hands on deck are looking at you, and you need to create a fix as soon as possible.

It goes without saying you are a ball of stress, especially if you have no idea that something has gone wrong – especially if its your day off, especially if you didn’t get much sleep, and especially if its a problem that was solved by you in the past.

It turned out to be a tempest in a teapot, for the most part. My boss looked at an old text message and assuming the worst, calling the vendor, calling other people, and calling me because he was sure there was a mistake.

I wonder if he really thought there was a mistake and that is how he handles everything, or was he just looking for trouble with me, swore he found it, and went to DEFCON 4 because he was sure that it was an issue.

Either way it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was angry, and still am because of the assumption. I feel like if someone is looking for trouble constantly, they are going to find it, whether it exists or not.

Gossip wins again – more on that at another time.

Another late day.

I am curious to find out what it is at this point. I wonder if it is just a lack of commitment to the life I chose, or am I just forcing my body to get more sleep based on my new habits. Either way, I have to figure this out, and do it soon.

Its one of the last stressful things in my life right now, and if I can figure it out, the guilt of doing this on a daily basis can be let go, and I can take this energy and place in on other things. I can become better with my skills as a professional, and my self discipline can improve.

That is what I want, iron self discipline. It is the one thing I have run away from, even as a kid.

I was always a rebel, and mostly I had no cause.I have come to the realization that as much of a problem some friends, coworkers, and people are, I could make things better by simply having the self discipline of a master.

How do I get that? I don’t know. I have been doing small things, such as trying this 16/8 diet, writing 3 things I care about, and typing in this blog everyday. I think those things have helped. I seem to have a little more focus at work, I retain more information, and I am making sharper writing decisions.

I understand it is a process, but I do want it to go a little faster.

I think I have to be more appreciative of the small things though. a month ago, my shirts weren’t fitting as nicely, and I was a lot more tired all the time. Regiment and process has helped me lose a bunch without even really doing anything, or making any significant changes.

Who knows where this will be by the end of the summer, once these habits are locked in and another set have been added on, making my mornings and nights full of undaunted productivity.

At the end of the month, I will be ready to add a new set. I will be trying 3 in the morning, and 2 at night. Ill see where it gets me. Hopefully I can eliminate the late thing too.

Self discipline seems to be the way out.

16/8 not done – 15/9
Water not done
reminder done
todo done
3 things done

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Tired

I am off of work today.

To be honest, I work my best when I have 4 days to do instead of 5. This flies in the face of most people, because people assume you need to work the 5 day a week schedule to get things done.

I work as a creative and a programmer, both things that require a lot of brainpower to make the move to do something great.

If I wanted to do mediocre work, I would crank the headphones and go slowly, spend x amount of hours, and I suppose look like a champ, considering that is what some of my coworkers do.

I don’t get how anyone can listen to music and work…especially with lyrics, how do you concentrate.

I have a lack of sleep today, mostly because I hung out and had bad things with a bunch of comedians. It was a fun night- but I am left a little drained for the whole experience.

In short, this is the reason this will be so short. I am tired, a little distracted, but I have to put something down, something to paper, to keep the habit going.

Besides, I am actually starting to like this.

16/8 done
reminder done
todo done
water not done
3 things done

Categories
Blog Post

Imperfect Comedy

Sometimes we ask people to be perfect in light of our imperfect selves.

I have my fair share of flaws. I am compulsive, I lie unnecessarily, I am a bit of a narcissistic prick depending on the day. Sometimes I have to make everything about me, and when I don’t I want everyone to be selfless. I take a lot of things personally when I shouldn’t.

Even so, I look to people to be better than the struggles that they have faced in their lives. I expect them to be better than themselves when dealing with me. How dare you not be a good person to me, I am ADAM THOMAS.

This has been bothering me for a little bit now. It’s something I really have to change.

When I can’t tell anything about someones background, or what they had been through to get to where they are now, judging them on that behavior doesn’t award me anything. I should be able to take a break, and hold people to a standard that is in the moment.

I’ll be honest, there is a bit of a selfish motivator for me to try to frame myself in that state of mind.

To be able to be that detached can allow me to be a more caring thoughtful human being. Learning how to take that force, and like judo, guide opposite energy to energy for my cause should be something that pushes me to be a better person.

I think the perks of being that person is a little more contentment.

Being able to just go to work, come home, and be happy when I have a chance to be.

I would be able to make more connections, turn more friends instead of making more foes, and just be a helpful person.

I have realized when I am being genuinely helpful, I get things a little more. I get what I put out, so to speak.

I am hoping that I can make something like this happen. I don’t know how, or have a method yet, but I do feel like I can create some positive movement.

I was talking with Phil, my roommate yesterday. He had just returned from a show, and we were discussing comedy as a business, and where he is as a comedian.

We discussed two things that stuck in my mind today, both things effect me as a comic, and would work well for me to know in anything else I do for the rest of the time I share this earth.

The first was shame.

He had just watched Kareem Green, another comic who works the club that he does. He watched him destroy the room, really put his foot into making the crowd laugh. He watched this after his own set, where he did well, but not as well.

Kareem seemed to be shameless.

I don’t mean that in a bad way, by the way. There is a freedom in being shameless in comedy. All the great ones were, from Carlin, to Pryor, to Rock.

What people seem to forget though, is that they all had dignity as well. Those two things aren’t tied at the hip. Great comics have no shame but are loaded with dignity. They are not clowns, but philosophers on the world that have taken a beating to get to where they are, and aren’t afraid to show the scars from it.

Letting go is what all of this is, the key to being a better comedian once you have the basics down. Being unafraid to let go, leap, forget the bounds of shame that try to hold you back and just trust that you are going somewhere. Takes years to master, but once you do, you have your shot at greatness.

The other thing is being able to take a loss. That is making me hurt. AS I said before my narcissism is going to have to eat this…Taking chances and asking people for things isn’t illegal. There is no extra prize at the end for making things harder on yourself.

Just go perform. Be friendly. And tack on ambition.

3 Things done
Wrap up done
To-do Done
Water not done
16/8 not done – 15/9.

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Apprehensive Old Glory

I feel apprehensive.

The first thing is first – and that is have a few sips of water, and start to write this blog.

I am sitting here, typing with a little bit of a hangover, and I have a big to-do list in front of me. Something I don’t really want to deal with, something I kind of want to ignore, something that I wish shrunk while sitting here typing this blog on a wonderful Sunday Morning.

But it isn’t. So I am breathing, trying to figure out the first thing to chop down, and then I realized, I just have to follow my system.
My boss told me the other day that I have this duality – one guy that is full of confidence, and another guy that has boundless self doubt. It is hard for either one to trust anything.

The system is working, because I have given myself a little bit of confidence, I am learning to just lay my self on something.

I realize things aren’t going to go away. For most of my life, I would just wait things out. My natural inclination is to hide from anything that means work that doesn’t align with my desires, even if it make me better as a person and a professional.

For example, getting a good video and sharing it with the world scares the living crap out of me, because I am scared to be judged by those who aren’t in the moment with me.

I don’t want to put up a professional website, because I don’t feel like it would ever be right. My perfectionism comes in and tries to put a hand on my shoulder, and with a high success rating, stops me from even starting stage one on my website.

Same with head shots, networking, and just all and all being around people. For a comedian, I hate to be judged. Even though I ask for the right to be, and I have the delusion that I will be right in all situations.

Its something I am trying to get over. But it is hard. And I find myself falling into my old tricks again. For example my to-do list is about 40 items long. Long enough for me to ignore. Long enough for the any.do app to gather dust and for me to just forget it, pick it up months later, and start anew.

What is going to stop me from doing it this time? Well, I am hoping for this blog. Writing things down increases accountability and if I have this thing to look back on, there is no way I can just will myself to forget it. It is here everyday, and it isn’t going anywhere.

The other habits I am trying to build force accountability into my day. Writing out that to-do list and then listing what I have done, along with pushing tasks around make sure that they just don’t disappear.

It forces me to be conscious of them. I am hoping through that they eventually become second nature – and I can record them like anyone records their name on a piece of paper.

I hope it works out well for me there. I am pursuing a better self. One day at a time.

Black Jesus is loud. He doesn’t know his range and never is on time.

I played my saxophone last night after watching someone on the train put his away. It was an odd moment, but watching that ritual made me want to play again.

It brought me back to music, what i used to enjoy, and work hard at learning. It turned my brain back on to something it had missed.

I ran through my scales as soon as I got home. I ad not picked up my sax in years, but it was like riding a bike. The notes were still there, and it still played true. My ritual of testing the reed, using cork grease, and tightening my ligature was there.

It brought me some sort of odd peace. I want to schedule lessons. I filed it under my someday catagory, and we will see where I am with it when some of the other habits shore up.

16/8 Done Yesterday
Water Missed (expaning this to 8 solid cups a day)
Todo Done
Wrapup done
3 Things Done.

Categories
Blog Post

Quick Thank You

Forced brevity.

I am currently late to an appointment, mostly because I needed to sleep, mostly because I missed it yesterday, mostly because friends were in town.

Even so, I feel like i still have to log something down today, because this blog has been a bit of a rock for me. An area where I have to record my feelings down, and go back and deal with them when I do.

It makes me happy that this thing exists, and this habit is being picked up. I feel like through that I will be a better writer. Being able to expose things here, means I will be able to leave more things down on the the stage – what ever stage that may be.

I think you have to practice being vulnerable, it hurts to imagine it though, because being vulnerable just sucks. There is no real glamour in it. Even so, as I write this, i feel like being vulnerable has provided me with the most opportunity and the most gains in communication and building relationships.

Anyway, this is a thank you to my blog – I hope to write more in the coming weeks, to people and to things in my life. Make it a part of my day. Be vulnerable and see where the chips may fall.

It may be painful, but i feel like I will gain a lot.

I missed out on 16/8 yesterday by doing a 12/12. I think I will try to make up for it today, by simply juicing most of the day. Let my stomach rest a bit.

16/8 missed
3 things written down
water drinking
To-dos in progress
Wrap up done.

Categories
Blog Post

Better Fitting Shirts

16/8 seems to be working quite well.

I have to admit, all my shirts are fitting a lot better after two weeks.

It doesn’t even matter what I eat really, although I have been a bit more conscious, but I have been doing quite well.

I am hoping to take the next step by logging what I eat in the next week. I think that is my next logical step in this war on fat that I am currently waging.

If it all goes well Ill move on to the next step, but I will say instituting a binary switch on how I eat instead of fudging numbers or doing math seems to have made a world of difference.

I feel better about life, to be honest. Maybe I can make something happen with it.

I have been missing with to-do’s lately. I seem to miss doing them in the morning. I realize tat I can plug them in with my laptop, but I don’t quite know how to make the entry point easier.

I have seen that if I make the to dos on the train, it is possible, but it is awkward and I prefer to read then. however, if I don’t get it done, I tend to let them go.

Ill more than likely do it after this post, but I think that is on my to-do list next week mentally. I have to figure out an easier process to get that done.

On the other hand, doing the nightly reminders at night has been fantastic. I have noticed that coming up with followups and fleshing things out is a lot easier when you write down your accomplishments for the day on paper, and from there, I can be a lot more effective, and a lot better at fleshing my day for the next one.

I want to continue that process, because I see it happens with my jokes as well. Writing things out is a boon to my creativity. I just have to keep it up, because I can only imagine where I can go if I keep this up. It takes the stress off the mind, and allows me to focus on other things.

I headlined a hostel show last night. It went well. I had some editing done to my jokes. I cut them down. The beats came a lot better. I connected with the crowd. I showed what i could do. And I impressed a bunch of comedians that happened to be ont he show.

When I got home, I had a conversation with my roommate about comedy, about the events this week, and how it reflects in our careers.

In short, we beat ourselves up a bit.

After a nights sleep, I realized that we need to connect more with our peers. I need to connect more with the industry. I realized that I have to start taking this a bit more seriously.

Try to build walls of protection around me, if for no other reason, I can be scared of failure. In a creative world, where trying things are key, I cannot be. I have to stop trying to shield myself from the lumps, because that fear of failure is the thing that keeps me here in this day job, and expecting a check every two weeks.

*”If there isn’t a hall of fame for what you are doing, what are you doing?” – Phil Hunt
*

I’ll get there. Just need to keep working. This last month was a good start, and hopefully I can keep making progress.

Random Thoughts:

Chloe asked if I want to write for AHH again. I will think about it.

I need to finish Phil’s website and start my own.

Head shots – I need them.

16/8 Done
Water drunk
Reminder List complete
Todo In progress
3 Things Written.

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