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Come Join The Party?

I have a friend in town.

He has created a bit of a life for himself.

At 26, doing the work that pleases him. Everyday seems to be exciting for him. It is a journey that I envy.

My life seems regimented, I think that is the reason for my perpetual lateness. I tend to not want to go to work. It feels like a place where people are not in it to build together. There are factions, and infighting, and people just trying to hold on to things that aren’t theirs. They don’t own it or have no stake, yet they feel an allegiance to it. I don’t want to turn into that guy. I want to build on something I own, and not fear that I am going to be fired for coming in late.

We work at factories still, which is weird  considering we call ourselves evolved. The modern workplace is still based on what time you clock in and what time you clock out, building widgets to accomplish a goal. If you are there 12 hours, surely you are building more widgets than someone who is there 8. I mean, its the hours.

It isn’t lifting boxes, although it is treated as such. Time given to walking around, chatting, “checking email”, and doing meetings are chalked as work, when a majority of the time, it is just the avoidance of it.

My friend seems to have avoided it. He is doing it his way, and again, it is something I want to do. I want to be able to take the scars that come along with it too. Part of me says I need to just leap. Part of me says I should just stay put until I have a nestegg. But how far will that nestegg go? Will I stay in perpetual need mode – always saying I need more and more and more, until I am 40? Stick around to keep that solid paycheck coming in? If I do, what am I doing when I live in a city that gives out opportunity to those who want to achieve more.

I want to give myself a strict deadline. I think that will help me avoid the fate of sticking in a cubicle, living with the fact that I could have given my all at anything, but I chose to go with a safe paycheck, and the stress of people who seem to have a need to get over to get ahead.

With that said, I am happy for my friend, and even my roommate  who are bold enough to experience the freedom to do what they want, consequences be damned.

It feels good to see people doing real good things, building their own brands, and making a way for themselves.

I want to do that.

I have a want to be a creative that plows his own destiny, for better or for worst.

It has revealed a need for me to go do something. But when, I am not sure. What, I do not know. But it has inspired me. This was supposed to be less than 100 words, and now it exploded into this.

With that said…

He and my roommate really talked a lot, and I hope that they connect as well. Building connections between worlds seems to be the way to go.

James Altucher talked about doing that for the rest of his life. I am starting to understand it. Allow these partnerships to flourish and let them grow where they may.

With that done, who knows where the world will take them. Hopefully one day I will have the balls to join them.

16/8 Done Water Done 3 Things Done Morning Todo Not done Evening Wrapup done.

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My Anger

I got disrespected yesterday.

A comic asked me if I was in at a certain club – out of no where. I let him know I never auditioned. He then promptly turned his back on me.

I don’t mean that in a metaphorical sense, but in a literal sense, his back actually turned and he stopped talking to me.

This behavior is bothersome because I know who the guy is, he isn’t anywhere else really, and he was begging me for advice before his audition.

I explained this to my roommate, who then says he didn’t mean it, and after about 45 minutes of arguing, he realized I wasn’t making the story up – which got me angry. Why would I just pull that one out of my ass so to speak. What would I have to gain by creating such a story, when you were right there.

He thought I was mad because I didn’t get respect, however, the whole reason I was angry, was because of disrespect. A club or someone saying yes doesn’t change you, you are the same person, the same comic you were the day after the audition.

It also pisses me off because I feel like he has got to ride for his “team”, and I know this business isn’t based on teams, or crews, or friends even. It’s a business, and people will try to get separation when they can. Even if its small, and especially if they are at a lower level.

I really hate comedy at the lower levels because people try to create barriers. I try to be nice to everyone, regardless of level, say hello, and shake hands. If I am in at a club or two it doesn’t change where we are, we are all trying to get better.

I guess it bugs me the most because in my head, a lot of this plays out like a sunk cost. I helped so and so for no reason, and in the end, he burned me for helping him. There is nothing more crushing to admit that what you did, at the end of the day, was a waste of your time, because they used your help to get ahead, and not to help you or others.

Its a bit of a pessimistic view, but its honest.

I think it is a part of everyone’s struggles, regardless of what profession, hobby, or luxury you happen to indulge in, is figuring out when to help. The pessimist says that that will happen 9/10 times. You will help, and when you do, they ‘t even have the decency to wave to you when you once they are through with you.

The optimist says it is a freak occurrence, an aberration. Most people do appreciate it, and sometimes, they just don’t know how to show it. Its a tough pill to swallow, but there is some merit to it. helping people and being nice is something that never hurts.

I think the truth is in the middle. it does hurt for the niceness to dejected. You put yourself out there and was rejected, for no other reason to help. I think of this when family reaches out and you ignore the call, or you delete texts. I’ve been on both ins, and on the helpee side anger absorbs it all, so I don’t feel a thing. On the helper side, I am crushed.

However, rejecting all comers stops you from the experiences you may have. Who is to say that helping one person may just improve their day, brighten their outlook, and make them help someone else. You can help people for the chance that it may come back and help you, but I think sometimes that is a losing proposition because you become slave to people reciprocating.

I guess the best possible thing to do is to help and shield yourself from the slings that may come from the other side. Jesus , Gandhi, and Dr King did it, and whatever faults they may have had elsewhere, that niceness helped millions.

I am sure someone turned their back on them too at some point. I just wish to have the stability and the confidence to help the very next person, and not let it hurt me, like the comic did yesterday.

Some Random Thoughts:

I finished Marc Maron’s Attempting Normal. Very good book.
Don’t eat Morton Williams Sushi (stomach ache)
I found Juicing yesterday. I think i will incorporate it
How come there isn’t any White porn section

3 Things Done
Night Checkout completed
Todo Done
No Water
16/8 became 14/10. Hope to fix that.

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Little Steps

After a crazy night where PATH train service decided to quit in the middle of rush hour, and added an extra two hours into my commute, I was able to go home.

At the end of it, I was thankful that I actually did get a chance to make it there. Sometimes it takes something being taken away, for you to realize how things work without it. No PATH train means no connection to the city that takes less than an extra 30 – 45 minutes.

In short, it is good to see that all works again, and its interesting how fast people forget things. Tragedy can cripple, but for the smallest of them, they tend to be forgotten about.

That’s what made Mad Men’s episode this Sunday work so well. The episode was wrapped in the death of Martin Luther King, but in a sense, peoples lives really didn’t change. A major moment in country seems to float away, just as fast as it came.

I love Mad Men.

I did a few style upgrades to the blog. I don’t know if I have any readers, but it is a bit more readable. I will be adding a few more bells and whistles in terms of CSS in a little bit, but for the most part, it is there.

To tell the truth I don’t write my posts in the Tumblr word processor – I write them in Draft – (draftin.com).

I love the simplicity that Draft gives me. It allows my words to just be on the page.

I have become a huge fan of minimalism, and because of the blankness here, there is a only room for my thoughts. I can get lost in my writing. In a few minutes, I can blaze through a couple hundred words, without any popups or colors to distract me from the goal.

I have been more angry the last two days. I don’t know what triggered it, but I find myself being defensive over the last couple days, and I don’t like the feeling. It may have been triggered Saturday, when someone I worked with stepped out of their place and said a few things.

It made me think, do I have a problem with authority, or is it just tone. Thinking back, I just don’t mind being pushed, I even don’t mind being pulled, but just do so with the right tone.

My group at work, from the outside looking in, seems pretty good. We all sit together, we work our time, and we win awards. However, inside of it all, there is an ugly underbelly. People are praised privately and shamed publicly, there is a lot of bullying going on. People are clock watching, and looking to catch anyone’s faults just to look above. People undercut.

It is very Lord of the Flies-esque, and it makes my stomach hurt just coming into work.

The truth is, I think my reason for coming in late is I just hate coming into this atmosphere. I hate looking over my shoulder, it is mentally taxing. I can’t thing because there is constant noise. You can’t find a moment to breath, and people occupy the quiet rooms as if they are their own cubicles.

I have a talk with my boss tomorrow about all of this, the fact that I fell marginalized in the group, the ugly underbelly that he isn’t really shown, but I doubt it will go well.

I feel like I will be looking for something new soon. Until then, I will take the time to build my skills and find a situation that fits me. One that I like… Until then, I guess it is time to build career capital as Cal Newport(http://calnewport.com/) says.

3 Things Done
Water Done
Todo Done
Wrapup Done
16/8 Done.

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Todo List Completed

I wrote my wrap up paper last night. In turn, I made my todo list today.

I am very happy about that fact.

I feel like a todo list can keep me honest. I jus thave to get used to doing one, and living with one, every day.

The problem for me in terms of tasks tend to be I forget. As much as I say I can remember, I just plain forget. I feel like I am very smart, and with no shame, I can say people tell me that all the time, but I just realized there is no way to even begin to hold all those thoughts in your mind.

I feel like your mind is a road. Each thought is a car. When you empty the road, and allow cars back on it,all the cars drive very smoothly. So if there are three cars on the road, everything has enough space to sort of move along.

When you try to keep everything up there, then everything gets constricted. Everything gets tight. Its harder to focus, and you add pressure to yourself. Inevitably things start to slip, and you start having to say your sorry, then you get calloused to the sorry, and then people get calloused to your sorry, and things start to slip.

The highway gets full, and every single car gets angry, they get infused with bad thoughts, and your depression, fear, and stress can take hold and get the best of them.

Last night when I wrote down what I did, my todos for the next day sort of just came tumbling out. It was easy to figure out what my next moves were. I woke up this morning, then placed them in my any.do app.

Now I have a lis tof things, and a system that I can refine. I felt more powerful.

I keep the pad by the bed now. I hope through this, I can make it a part of my night, like writing my three things down. Maybe it’s time to start breaking down my evening – take thirty minutes and just go into the silence to ponder my day.

It felt good. Maybe I can get that in the morning’s, if I can only just get up on time.

I am slipping on the silence at night. I started listening to podcasts again. I am making a note of it now, and hopefully I can go back to silence.

It is a very slippery slope, and it is something I don’t want to go back down into.

I am thinking about waking up early again, and it is something I want. Birds chirping in the morning as I can get some writing done. I feel like I can start my blog writing before work, knock down some rss reading, and just start in at the job with a full mind ready to start blasting at the problems I have here.

I just have to figure out a way to start making that happen.

I hate coming to my dayjob I think. There has to be something here that I want to do in the mornings. Something that makes me want to come in the mornings and get things done.

It is something I have to really thing about. This is becoming a recurring theme, and I feel like my life gets a lot better if I can get this sorted.

My foot feels better.

I think I am about to donate the rest of my clothes. Start over.

Lets see.

3 Things Done
Todo List done
Night List done
Water done
Teeth Done

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Slimming Saturday

Big surprise yesterday

A pair of pants I had fit way better. I was surprised, but only after about a week of the 16/8 thing, my clothes are fitting me better.

I am not even doing the no-carb portion of the deal.

This bodes well for it, getting tangible results. I was looking at a picture of a comedian I had worked with in the past, named Matt Kazam. He was a pretty big guy, and decided to lose weight. He took another way to get it done, as he chose juicing but the results have been undeniable, as he has lost almost 100 pounds in 4 months.

I am really considering that once I get the 16/8 philosophy down. It is almost habit at this point, and with the positive motion, I can see myself going further with it.

I have a dream of being a slimmer guy. I want to be around to experience my grand kids, and not being overweight. It would be a great feeling.

I would love to shop in normal stores again, and get normal sizes, and all that good stuff. Being a big dude in my life has resulted in me having to go online or to another part of the store, and hoping that they had it in my size. It sucked, quite simply. That is part of my motivation too, getting there.

I don’t want to be the fat kid forever.I want to give my personality a break. Ha.

It was painful typing that part, but it initiated my zone for a second. And I think that’s all i want. I just want to write the truth. Get into my feelings a little bit. the more I meander, the more I sort of dawdle on the page, and the words sort of sit there.

I was reading Anne Lamont and in the book Bird by Bird, she talks about letting the kid come out in your writing, and I think that’s what it is. For me, maybe my kids lock is honesty and pain, and from there, I can write a thousand words an hour to get to the actual truth.
I feel like it is coming.

I did over 30 minutes of material on stage yesterday, and it felt good. It is a slow reminder that I actually have jokes, and I can hang for a long period of time. Not only that, I did it in a room of comics, and I had their attention. No one went to their phones, or walked out, or went to go take a quick glance of their notes, I was ale to just run.

I really felt like a comic yesterday, even if it was in a basement with 4 other comics and two audience members. I felt like there was some room to grow there, and become someone who can actually matter int his show business thing.

With that said, I still need to focus on getting that dynamite five minutes. If I can do that, I feel like the rest will fall into place. The long sets are for personality, but the shorter sets are for writing.

As Alonzo said, you don’t have a lot of time up there to let them get to know you, so o better kill and kill hard. It is that time to show the bookers and the managers of the club that you are worth investing in your personality. If you can clean it up that way, then you can build out from there and get the great 15 and then the great feature set.

That open mic in the basement helps though. Gotta thank Tino for giving that space for me to grow.

16/8 done
Water Drunk
3 Things Written
Plotting Not Done
Shower Done
Sunday Organizing Done.

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Good Sleep, Dreams, and Premises

I slept for 11 hours today and I feel good for it.

I know you shouldn’t really sleep for so long, but I feel like every once in a while, you gotta just put everything by the wayside and take yourself a nice long rest.

The key is not to mix it up with depression sleep, where you can end up in bed for 18 hours or more, filled with numbness. A mental place where you are so lifeless, you lack fight, where a bunny rabbit could rob you.

But good long restful sleep.

The science on it is getting more interesting, as it has been said that to work at optimum levels you should be getting 8 to 10 hours a night.

That is a large change from what we usually do, which is get along on 4/5 hours and call it productivity.

When I ask people about sleep, most people say they have to stay up passed midnight, but if you really probe them, there is nothing important that happens after 10 PM. They mostly watch TV and text or do things that aren’t too good for you anyway, like drink and eat bad food.

I don’t want to come off preachy here, because I am no saint.It’s still difficult for me, and for me to go to sleep before 11 is a challenge, there is something mixed in with modern technology that makes us feel like we have to get one more show in, have one more drink, hear one more song, even as most of these things can be consumed for no penalty at a later date.

But, lately I have been fighting the war a little better on this front.I have been trying to force myself to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night, and I have felt better. I have adjusted my work schedule, and I have made some other changes to add more sleep to my life.

My reward has been better mental flexibility. And for cutting out some of the noise in my life, like extra YouTube videos and podcasts that, looking back on it, were just used to pass time, I have a lot more focus.

Writing this post that started from nothing really just happened in almost 20 minutes because my mind has been much sharper lately. I remember I tried to start writing again several months ago and it was a struggle to even get 300 words on the paper, but after doing it for almost a month, three hundred words, without any prep work, has been relatively a breeze. I feel flow happening in my work, and I love it.

I hope I can keep this going, because this flow thing is something that i really enjoy. Being able to knock out long coherent articles of writing is also something I have come to really enjoy.

Hopefully this can translate into other areas of life, I can improve my habits, and become a real beast in these streets.

I came up with a few things yesterday by sitting in an open mic and just observing.

It is odd that sometimes as a black guy, you feel you have to mention you aren’t playing the race card.

Women taking pictures with cell phones always look odd, like you can tell that is their 8 shot in a 15 to 20 shot photo shoot.

IMing is the Disco of communication practices.

I really like the last one, I feel like it could become a signature bit. My elusive third joke. Who knows.

Had an odd dream about getting my coworkers arrested and then having to foot the bill for it. I wonder if that is my subconscious telling me something. I feel very intrigued. Ill ponder about it today. Not one that really takes stock in dreams, but this one was just to interesting to pass up.

16/8 Not done fully due to drinks
3 things written
shower done
Water knocked out
Teeth hygiene done
No to-do list
no end of night reminder
shower

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Blog Post

Short Notes

Was late again.

Woke up at 8 but just didn’t want to get up. I should address that somehow.

I have to find a reason to get up, and a reward for doing it. Time to review my habit stuff on that.

I want to start taking notes on books that I read. I am sort of curious to see what comes of it.I have heard it makes ytou remember more, and most people just end up remebering

It should help me remember what I am reading more often.

I am deciding to keep it short today.

Its Friday.

16/8 Done today
Water
3 Things Remembered.

Todo not done. Planning not done.

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Late Depression

I was late again today.

I have to really control my lateness. I think once that is handled, a lot of my other habits will fall into line. Like today, because I was late, I ended up catching a late train, that broke down, that made me even more late.

I recently had my start time at work pushed back, which works for em, but I still find myself late. I need to find some sort of hook to bring this habit under control. Pushing the time late didn’t wuite help, so I have to find something here.

Before I really put any focus on that, I still didn’t do my todo list today. That fear is really gripping me. I hope by writing about it, I can get it out into the world and just do like my other habits, but it is something I will have to just do to make it work.

There was a list of habits I wanted to start up with I wrote maybe a few weeks ago.

*
1) Exercise 2)Creating a Post in this Journal.. 3)Thanking someone via Social Media/Text/E-Mail 4)Meditation 5)Eating Breakfast.*

I haven’t really gotten started on this, other than the journal thing, something that I am getting into every day and it excites me( its why the posts are getting longer). I suppose I should take that into the win column to push me further – but sometimes it is really hard for me to do that.

I also put down hopping into the shower first thing on the weekends – which has been working. There has only been 4 days to do this but it has gone well so far.

With that said, I have revised the list because breakfast is out (with the 16/8 thing I prefer to start at around lunch time) and the post a day is about half way ingrained ( habit locks in about 45 days, I am close to 20 now). There are some more things than need to be added

1) Exercise
2) Thanking Someone via Social Media/Text/Email/Phone Call
3) Meditation
4) To Do Lists
5) Getting up 2 hours before I need to leave the house.

The last one would help with the late thing – To get to work on time, I need to leave at about 9 (for example I woke up at 9) and would allow me to do some more of my morning habit stuff at home.

I think that will get me going.

I talked about my depression yesterday with my therapist. It still haunts me, and even though as a whole, days are better – it still pops up.

It has been a struggle accepting the depression as a part of me. I wrote about it, and I felt triumphant getting it down into paper, but the part that has been most difficult has been the application.

Today I felt the depression creeping up as I got to work, and it was almost full blown by the time I sat down in my seat and started to work. A phone call from a mentor did’t quite help, and even after a phone call and some work being done, there is still a lingering feeling that floats on top of me.

Everything that has been said has been amplified, and everything positive I have done has been let go. I have fallen into a self defeatist attitude. I even had thoughts of just suddenly quitting and using some poster I saw earlier as the reason I did it from Farnam Street. (http://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2013/04/11-ways-to-be-remarkably-average/?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+68131+(Farnam+Street))

Remembering the empty boats thing has helped. I really am glad I read that post from Zen Habits (http://zenhabits.net/are-we-there-yet/)

It is a process, and a tough one. I’ll get there one day though.

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Blog Post

Speaking – Free Speech.

I got excited yesterday.

I realized at my pace, I am close to writing 10,000 words a month on this blog. I have been steadily increasing the amount of words I write per day, going from 100 to 200 to 300 and now almost 400 per post.

The growth has been organic, which is something I am proud of. I haven’t really been pushing to write more, it is something that has just flowed out of me. And for that I am thankful.

I just only hope I have the wisdom to keep it up. Everyday that I write is another chance to explore the options of the day ahead of me. Everyday I write I have a chance to bring something new to the world. And, everyday I write, I exercise the part of my brain that has long gone dormant – the ability to communicate.

I have felt lately( over the last 2 years almost) that I haven’t been able to say things as crisply as I had been before. People say I am well cpoken – but there is a level I felt I was at, where ideas were able to flow out like wine…almost.

Was I professional? No, but I had the ability to get to point and make them, without over thinking. I had become a parrot lately. Where I used to be able to talk about myself, I had changed into someone who just parroted ideas. These were things i thought about, but even so, I couldn’t quite put them in my own words to get them out.

I think a lot of this habit building stuff has helped – I would like to think that I can do more. Better sleep has helped. Soon I will introduce eating better, meditation, and organization into my life ( Still working on the organization), and through that maybe I improve.

I wrote that I was thankful for improvement last night. I want a growth mindset, and I think I am getting there.

I listened to an interview last night about the Paul Mooney incident, which proved my suspicions. In it he says he was set up – He didn’t say that white people deserved to be blown up, he was talking about Americans and terrorism – he said our chickens have come home to roost.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_co03n_hO-Q

He sounds a little frazzled in the video – and I can feel why, he knows they are out to get him. It is very easy to sound crazy when you feel like crazy things are happening.

I can believe this side of events more so than the other side because I know Mooney’s comedy – never has he wished death or people to be blown up, that seemed way to vulgar for him.

I also know the people who opened for him, I would like some verification, but I feel like they wouldn’t step up to defend him because they are young in their careers. A club is important because where else will they be booked?

It is scary how they try to murder free speech. If I ever get to that level – I wonder how my words can be misconstrued.

3 Things Done
Drunk Water
16/8 Completed

No – Todo Morning or Todo Evening.

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Technology & Process

Water is wet.

Pretty interesting demo with water here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6WZZARzpckw

Sort of made a dent into my morning with it. I found it to be quite interesting to take a look at today.

Nothing profound about it, just a simple water demonstration with a graphics card.

It’s interesting though, how technology changes I couldn’t imagine such a thing ten yeas ago, but now it is almost right in front of us, for cheap (that was done with a consumer ready graphics card that’s already a few years old).

It makes me happy for technology, I can’t wait to see what the future brings where it drives us. We have a ton of things that are around us that can be improved, and human ingenuity is going to make that happen.

It will be exciting to see what the next generation gets to play with.

I have try not to let people interrupt my process. I have to get better at that.

You learn how you learn. I sometimes tend to let people dictate that by forcing myself to go with the flow.

That isn’t whats best for me.

For Ex. I like to write out my notes, and figure out what is going on with my sets, after listening to them.

Only…I have only done this twice.

I could really make myself to be a lot stronger comedian if I follow this process. It worked for me a lot when I went down to DC last year, only because I got to step away and apply notes. I had nothing else to do but work on process.

Now I am finding it hard to implement that process here, in NYC, because it just seems like it may get in my way.

Only, it really wouldn’t. Nothing says I can’t go into a quiet room and work on what I have. Or in the weekend, take a little time in the morning and bang out some notes for my sets during the week.

I want to make this a part of my night and day routines. Hopefully, I can get this done with the to-do stuff that I tend to do. What is data worth if you can’t break it down and get what is important out of it.

I have to get better – well…I should say I have to get it in tune with my process.

16/8 done yesterday.
– woke up full of energy btw.
3 things written
Water drunk.

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