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Android To Do Fear

I like that I have no where to go with this blog.

It gives me freedom to go where I please.

And that is where today’s post comes from. I have a fear of to-do lists.

I really would like to add them to my daily routine – both day and night, but I get apprehensive when it happens.

My nervousness stems from the fact that I will fail on things I ut on the list.

Its difficult to sit and look at failure. It stares back at you, no matter how long you look. It knows your insecurities, and helps create more. It is a battle you know you will lose – no matter how you try to avoid it.

And yet still I do. Like my depression, I try to hide from it. It I don’t make note of it, it doesn’t exist.

It doesn’t work, hasn’t for my lifespan of 26 years, but still I try to shoehorn it through my habits.

I am going to start making my todo lists at night this week. Ill see where it gets me.

I reset my android phone last night, and I don’t know how I should feel on that.

It was necessary – but I don’t want to lose what I had. Almost feels like a relationship I am losing. Don’t want to get rid of it. I don’t think I will, but this phone that I have now is really annoying me.

It almost makes me want to transfer over to Sprint , just to get my hands on the Galaxy IV. That would mean I will be leaving Verizon as well.

Who knows where that can go.

Paul Mooney got fired for bringing up Boston, saying they had it coming. I am proud he brought it up. I may not agree —- I don’t even know where he was going with it, but I agree with his right to work it out.

He is fearless. That’s where I want to be. I almost got mad at my roommate for not being completely on board – he seemed a little scared.
I can’t be mad at someone for keeping their truth sacred. He has a path as do I.

16/8 Done. 8 Second Water. 3Things Done.

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Trust Myself and Process

Now – this post may sound insane, but I think I want to get closer to unloading my mental process out on paper….or screen, or whatever you would call this medium. I want things I write to have an impact…leave you with something.

So I think the first step is to start with myself.

Cleaning up.

Its difficult to figure that thing out you know – at what point can I stop the procrastination and just clean up.

Its all that is on my mind today. Just organizing.

I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but I guess that’s a way I can convince myself I tried.

That mind state has got to go. I am going to clean up today. That is all there is to it.

Keyboard shortcuts save lives. I don’t know how I worked before that. I start to feel like I am losing something the minute I touch a mouse. To be honest – for the small reach it gives, it tends to get in the way of a lot of work.

I am going to try to learn more about keyboard shortcuts this week.

I had 3 good sets of comedy last night – 10 minutes each. All different material. A lot of new stuff…some throw away stuff… and a little old. It was me trusting myself. Just jumping as they say , knowing I have the material in the back pocket to hang with the big boys.

That was fun.

Met a few people, made a few fans last night. Even a few comics. Its an interesting process some times. Ari Shaffir’s stuff has been working like gangbusters so far. Smaller things. That video may be what helps me propel to the next level of my career.

I missed a little with the 16/8…not by much…started eating at 5, stopped at 2 or so. An hour, but I have to make sure I am aware. Can’t let it slip again.

3 Things were logged.
Enjoyed Water.

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iPhones and Fate

I have a new iPhone today. Just stated using it.

I never thought I would be able to do such a thing – chalk it up to reasons and a blind loyalty that shouldn’t exist.

Apple always represented a closed system to me. I distrust them – a closed system means information from one source – and thus beings the propaganda.

A lot of Apple users buy into to propaganda.

My mistake, however, was to let their zeal ruin what could be a connection to me finding a device that fits me.

After a day – I have to say, the iPhone really feels good to use.

Am I giving up android? No – I have this iPhone because of the T-Mobile 30$ prepaid plan – which really allows me two phones really cheap. I still plan on upgrading to a new phone on Verizon – The Galaxy iv or the HTC One – when I have an opportunity – both Android phones. However – I am finally being open to all sides.

I would love a Windows phone and a Blackberry, for no other reason than to check all things out and be knowledgeable.

There was some discussion on the Ari Shaffir video that I posted last night.

First – congrats to that information getting out there (it is close to 4,000 views as of this post, and no thumbs down, which is amazing considering someone hates EVERYTHING)

A few comics are scared – they consider funny will carry them to fate – and from there they will create a career.

That video pointed it out, succinctly, that it doesn’t exist. No one is going to see you be funny and say, here is a sitcom. It just doesn’t happen anymore, and i feel like…it never really happened that way.

I don’t believe in fate…or maybe I should say I don’t trust it.

I believe that given a choice, anything – given it physical or not – will take the easy way out. And the easy way out is to not do any work.

If you believe fate took you to where you need to be – then I feel like that is where it will leave you.

Ambition means something. It seems hard not to confuse ambition with something that is harmful. Do your best and make connections. Who knows where it may take you. It never harmed anyone to be nice, shake a hand, and ask at a spot at the table when things became comfortable.

16/8 – 3 Good Things – 8 Seconds of Water – Cleaned Clothes off Floor

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Procrastination Networking

My arm hurts.

Its funny how procrastination can sting you when you feel that wall in front of you.

We all know that wall of self doubt.

I have been doing well with this blog lately. Every day I have been banging out 300 words. Output is increasing – and my mind is growing. I tried to throw litany into this post (I did there) but in context before I realized that maybe I am going too far.

This is a good place to be. I think. But then I still have this feeling of procrastination waiting right behind me.

Everything tells me to stop, but I have to keep going. There is a story to tell, but it isn’t going to go out until I get used to getting out feelings once a day.

I am feeling good about networking this week. My spot last night went very well, and instead of going home, I connected with comics at Caroline’s and at the Comic Strip. I met two comics from DC, and I gave them some spots.

I didn’t do this in exchange for anything more than friendship. I don’t want them to owe me. I just want to build relationships.

That Ari Shaffir Youtube – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k43XcdlO22s is worth looking at if you want to make it in show business – or any business for that matter. I don’t know if he knows it, but his discussion on topics like this sound like the same things I hear in business all the time.

Business is business – networking is a part of it. We build ourselves up. Open yourself up to things. A lot of things in there that make a ton of sense.

I hope I can keep this attitude going. I felt helpful last night, and it felt it reciprocated.

Another 16/8 down BTW. I still hope red bull doesn’t ruin this.
3 joyful things are logged.
8 Seconds of Water
1 Red Bull Before leaving.
1 Blog Post down.

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Understanding Depression?

In writing this I almost opened up another window in order to procrastinate. I stopped short of it. I touched something that makes me want to wander. Tough questions tend to do that – lead you to a softer place. That isn’t something that is necessarily to be fought either – it exists because we want to be in a state of homeostasis at all times, and stress eliminates that.

I discussed my week with my therapist – and it allowed me to stumble upon a question worth asking.

At what point does positivity become lying and negativity become wallowing?

The genesis of the whole thing came from a discussion between my roommate and I about Eminem. In a song he talks about how he felt like quitting, even though he got a ton of money doing something he loved.

It made perfect sense to me – His depression was still there.

I have depression.

My depression really catastrophizes things- and nothing is there to stop it. Not money, comedy, music, anything. Those things tend to be panacea to the actual issue at hand. My depression is a lingering thought, a demon that exists whether or not things around me are great or terrible.

For that reason and that reason alone, it is apparent that it is something I have to work with.

Yes, work with.

It is no different than anything else within me that creates this blog, or writes code, or investigates startups, or even makes me people laugh. I wouldn’t fight against any of those things or even for them. They are what they are, and they exist within me as part of a sum.

My depression is a part of that.

How do I work with something that seems to be fighting me at every step? Well, understanding works.

Its something I want to try. I don’t quite know how I want to go about it, but I want some sort of understanding.

Day one of 16/8 went successfully. I am going to go with day 2 today. Lets see where I end up.

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A Simple Thank You

Late again – This time roommate left keys. Stayed up until 2.

Its annoying when people don’t appreciate what you do. Smaller things. I feel like these are the things that make the humanity shine through the bullshit, where life tends to make its home.

No apologies. No thanks. It angered me a bit. Just a thank you goes a long way.

And through that I realized how little a thank you takes to say but can mean the world to someone. It is the small piece that can make the bridge to a connection, a relationship, work. Its something that I am going to try to do as a habit every day.

Creating connection is something I haven’t quite been good at in my life. Its something I want to improve – something I want to bring to the table, especially as I begin the process of venturing out on my own.

Speaking of that – I recently received a video from Andrew Themeles – from Ari Shaffir – about making it in stand up comedy. What he says in it seems to work in anything, however. After a cursory look it seems that the main focus is to not place your eggs in one basket , work hard, build relationships and make your impact felt when you are given a chance.

Everything means something. Use it to build, especially if you plan on being in something for life. One thing does not make or break you – its all growth into your next adventure.

I am doing intermittent fasting now. 8 hours to eat – 16 hours to rest. A Redbull in the morning to get me going and then all quiet until 12 to 1. This is supposed to turn my body into a weight loss machine. I know I need to try something. This seems like a simple enough place to start.

I feel like I am getting back into my speed. It’s amazing how quickly things come back when you simply just start and get back into the habit again.

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Habit of Late

Late – this morning has me sitting around later than usual.

Because of it, I have to work until 7 PM tonight – and the rest of my day tends to spiral out of control.

My tardiness is a problem, and i would love to get to the bottom of it. There are excuses of course – I was out late last night with friends, but it was something I didn’t need to go to.

How did this end up this way? I made it happen with me not taking this stuff seriously. Its a habit I built up through years of just not creating boundaries. To lack control seems to lead to a lack of sanity. To be wild is not to be free, it is to be chained by your own emotions.

I have been reading a lot of stoicism lately. The theme that pops up throughout the reading is that control is the way to freedom.

Control and habit seem to be the way I will get the rest of my life done right.

It isn’t all bad though. For the last week I have held fast to several habits. One being the write three things I am thankful for and another being writing in this blog every day and showering as soon as I wake up.

I am thankful for that, and hopefully I can start to add some more routine to the evening and morning. Then I can always be sure that something gets done and there is movement.

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Restarting Design

Monday morning is here and I don’t like it.

I hate Monday mornings. It never quite feels like a fresh start- more like the old one gets loped off and we gotta start from the beginning.

I want to make it so my Monday is a continuation of Sunday – get into something where the work healthily goes into my life all week long. No need to stop something that is constantly in motion.

Maybe I need to start in with a project I own. The plan is to do some design work soon. I don’t know when it will be done, but I hope putting it down on paper( or I guess screen) will get something going.

I have no old work to show to prove what I can do.

I have to rebuild my portfolio – I used to have stuff socked away, but I have deleted and loss passwords to more accounts than even I care to know.

It is going to take some time to get it back, and part of that stops me dead in my tracks. Where will I go, who wants to start fresh after feeling like there was a foundation before?

But that is the thing isn’t it – the way design moves, no one cares about my old work – or my old design, it would be outdated, and look terrible considering what I have done.

Either way, the feeling is damning. I guess I just have to start don’t I.

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Sunday Funday

Sunday – I have to confront my feelings on something.

I wonder why I feel like I just can’t cut it. I am scared of failure.

My question is why? I have been told I should just stick to a day job, but, I am getting better at a lot of the things I am doing outside of it, including comedy,design, trading.

But I never want to put myself to the test. I want that to change – if I had to decide on a birthday present, it would be that.

So, in honor of it, the minute I get a third good joke, I am putting myself out there and I am going to see what happens. This includes writing, and trading and any other venture I want to accomplish.

Hopefully in a year, I will look back at this and smile.

Worst case scenario – I’ll look back at this and become more determined.
*
Success doesn’t wait for those who wait for it.*

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Another Saturday – I made it.

I would like to be able to take a shower as soon as I get up.

That is one habit I would like to start getting into, as a method to start my day.

It seems gross….what do you mean you don’t take a shower? Well – I mean I don’t do it as soon as I get up. I’ll lay in bed, go watch TV, talk with my roommate about sports, and next thing I know, it’s early afternoon, and I have to figure out some time to get up and take a shower, eventually delaying my process in getting out of the house.

Work during the week usually forces me to do this, but when I get up early or anything else, I tend to go back to sleep or lay around and do nothing until I am forced to take a shower.

If I can get myself into it this weekend, and build throughout the week, I think it will be one more step in recapturing my day.

Saturday is here, and I am blogging once again. This makes me feel better. Just trying to hatch those routines I do at work into my weekend. Will make me feel better, and I hope eventually take those habits out of work and bring them just into morning.

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